Deep Thinking, Baby

Had my first real insights on what people actually think of me this weekend....and I'm shocked actually. I got described stuff like "funny" and "chaotic" and "dark" among other things....See in your own head you never really have a solid vision of what you yourself is like, I guess maybe because no-one really has a personality on their own, they only have a personailty when they are interacting with others, and so I don't really see myself as any one solid thing. I guess if I did think "I wonder how I come across to other people?" which I have done, on a few occasions, I always thought they saw me as a bit annoying, fairly socially-awkward and without social boundaries. It's funny because in "real life" (fucking hate that phrase) I'm really shy until you know me I'll be the most quietest introverted person ever invented, but once you get to know me I change then and end up the opposite-with no qualms and nothing to hide-I don't get subtley or why people need to hide things from each other-I'm me, take me as I am or deal with the bits of me you can deal with and don't stick around for the bits you can't. I've been trying hard, in the past two years, to understand the way I am more, and to understand why other people are the way they are-I feel lonely sometimes, alot, when I see how others interact with each other and there's me all not interacting and being unable to connect with people except on a false level of pretence. Which is why I don't bother-why say something nice to someone if you don't mean it? Why bother having the same mind-numbing idle chit chats with strangers when niether of you could care less about the subject matter? If I have something nice to say-I'll say it. If I have something horrible to say, I'll usually make a token effort at least, to hold back and not say it, unless I feel that familiar anger rising in me and I either get out my feelings or burst trying. Wolfie tries to explain to me why people lie like they do, but I don't get it....the world seems so simple to me in some respects yet when it's full of people it becomes horribly confusing and nothing makes sense and I feel pushed out of the world in which I am in, because my mind just doesn't know how to reason everything logically.
I was a bit "oooh, people really see me like that?!" when they first said it, -I've never thought myself funny or particularly interesting, but I guess I know myself and when you know something so completely it loses some of its interest to an extent, maybe that's it? I get bored of being in my head sometimes, my mind aches to break free and go to a place it knows exists...only I on a conscious level cannot know what this place is, or how to get there. Thing is, when you strip down all the humor and all the confusion I get about myself and strip down all the dizzyness and all the insults and stuff-I'm not funny or dark or chaotic-I'm just a scared lost girl in a massive world which is full of stuff happening and all the noise and all the lights and stimulation makes me unable to think clearly and it fuddles my head up, and I get lost within myself.
In my head I see the world as black or white. Goodies and baddies. Though not absolute goodies or baddies, but relative to the persons perceptions. Like if someone does something in my favour I will see them as a goodie, but for sure there will be someone else out there who sees that person as a baddie, so whilst I get nothing has an absolute and nothing's as it seems...it kinda is, because I take things into my own perception and see them that way and since I am me, I view the world through my own eyes so my world view then becomes black and white and certainty is found where there previously was none.
This is how hard it is being in my head sometimes. Stuff makes so much sense that it stops making sense at all and the lines just get more and more blurred.