Had my first real insights on what people actually think of me this weekend....and I'm shocked actually. I got described stuff like "funny" and "chaotic" and "dark" among other things....See in your own head you never really have a solid vision of what you yourself is like, I guess maybe because no-one really has a personality on their own, they only have a personailty when they are interacting with others, and so I don't really see myself as any one solid thing. I guess if I did think "I wonder how I come across to other people?" which I have done, on a few occasions, I always thought they saw me as a bit annoying, fairly socially-awkward and without social boundaries. It's funny because in "real life" (fucking hate that phrase) I'm really shy until you know me I'll be the most quietest introverted person ever invented, but once you get to know me I change then and end up the opposite-with no qualms and nothing to hide-I don't get subtley or why people need to hide things from each other-I'm me, take me as I am or deal with the bits of me you can deal with and don't stick around for the bits you can't. I've been trying hard, in the past two years, to understand the way I am more, and to understand why other people are the way they are-I feel lonely sometimes, alot, when I see how others interact with each other and there's me all not interacting and being unable to connect with people except on a false level of pretence. Which is why I don't bother-why say something nice to someone if you don't mean it? Why bother having the same mind-numbing idle chit chats with strangers when niether of you could care less about the subject matter? If I have something nice to say-I'll say it. If I have something horrible to say, I'll usually make a token effort at least, to hold back and not say it, unless I feel that familiar anger rising in me and I either get out my feelings or burst trying. Wolfie tries to explain to me why people lie like they do, but I don't get it....the world seems so simple to me in some respects yet when it's full of people it becomes horribly confusing and nothing makes sense and I feel pushed out of the world in which I am in, because my mind just doesn't know how to reason everything logically.
I was a bit "oooh, people really see me like that?!" when they first said it, -I've never thought myself funny or particularly interesting, but I guess I know myself and when you know something so completely it loses some of its interest to an extent, maybe that's it? I get bored of being in my head sometimes, my mind aches to break free and go to a place it knows exists...only I on a conscious level cannot know what this place is, or how to get there. Thing is, when you strip down all the humor and all the confusion I get about myself and strip down all the dizzyness and all the insults and stuff-I'm not funny or dark or chaotic-I'm just a scared lost girl in a massive world which is full of stuff happening and all the noise and all the lights and stimulation makes me unable to think clearly and it fuddles my head up, and I get lost within myself.
In my head I see the world as black or white. Goodies and baddies. Though not absolute goodies or baddies, but relative to the persons perceptions. Like if someone does something in my favour I will see them as a goodie, but for sure there will be someone else out there who sees that person as a baddie, so whilst I get nothing has an absolute and nothing's as it seems...it kinda is, because I take things into my own perception and see them that way and since I am me, I view the world through my own eyes so my world view then becomes black and white and certainty is found where there previously was none.
This is how hard it is being in my head sometimes. Stuff makes so much sense that it stops making sense at all and the lines just get more and more blurred.
Saturday 11 December 2010
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Skank and the Weekend
This weekend was AMAZING! Two nights of debauchery and sleaze and desire and gaming. Okay gaming doesn't esactly fit in with the sleaze and whatnot but still; it was fun. I am Wolfie's "thing" again, (yey), and I will never again doubt him or second guess him. Well I say never, I probably don't mean it. But he showed me this weekend where I stand, and now my head is all clear again....ready to be fucked up once more heh. It was a weekend different to how we originally planned, as his ex, Skank was supposed to come over but didn't, but it was still a weekend that's going on my Good List.
So Skank was supposed to come this weekend but didn't....she was ill apparantly. Skank is Wolfie's ex. He and her lived together before me. Then, they broke up and he got with me. About a year or so ago, Skank was our sub....it was twisted, fun and it felt....good, heh. Then my feelings changed, and it just stopped. I think all three of us kinda felt.....something had changed. A short while back, I got in touch with kank again, and we arranged for her to come over (this past weekend) and....stuff. She seemed eager enough too, said she really wanted to come and it was all planned...but then she got ill. Wolfie messaged her afterwards but no reply...wtf? Never had her pinned as that type.
Thing is, it's weird. Because out of everyone or anything, I honestly believe I can go that little bit further-I just do it....hold on for as long as I need to, push myself, limits? Limits aren't really real, not to me. If I find a self imposed limit I break it down, because I don't want to limit myself; limits are for other people, not for me. Skank is the only girl I've come across that I've thought "shit...I think she has gone further than I could," in respect to D/s and stuff. Coz if I had been in her position...and she had been with Wolfie and I had been her; I highly doubt I'd have been able to submit. I'd have fought, I'd have wished that both their genitals had fallen off; I'd have suggested in am aggressive manner that they shove various objects up their own arses....even if I loved Wolfie; I doubt I could have submitted, and that kinda sticks in me, because damnit I'd go far. Kudos to her for the first time round, when she did used to come and join in the fun and games, and it kinda makes me laugh that this time round...she backed off first. Well, toys come and go...life is a game or a bus or whatever it is and experience; whatever kind of experience, is still an experience.
So Skank was supposed to come this weekend but didn't....she was ill apparantly. Skank is Wolfie's ex. He and her lived together before me. Then, they broke up and he got with me. About a year or so ago, Skank was our sub....it was twisted, fun and it felt....good, heh. Then my feelings changed, and it just stopped. I think all three of us kinda felt.....something had changed. A short while back, I got in touch with kank again, and we arranged for her to come over (this past weekend) and....stuff. She seemed eager enough too, said she really wanted to come and it was all planned...but then she got ill. Wolfie messaged her afterwards but no reply...wtf? Never had her pinned as that type.
Thing is, it's weird. Because out of everyone or anything, I honestly believe I can go that little bit further-I just do it....hold on for as long as I need to, push myself, limits? Limits aren't really real, not to me. If I find a self imposed limit I break it down, because I don't want to limit myself; limits are for other people, not for me. Skank is the only girl I've come across that I've thought "shit...I think she has gone further than I could," in respect to D/s and stuff. Coz if I had been in her position...and she had been with Wolfie and I had been her; I highly doubt I'd have been able to submit. I'd have fought, I'd have wished that both their genitals had fallen off; I'd have suggested in am aggressive manner that they shove various objects up their own arses....even if I loved Wolfie; I doubt I could have submitted, and that kinda sticks in me, because damnit I'd go far. Kudos to her for the first time round, when she did used to come and join in the fun and games, and it kinda makes me laugh that this time round...she backed off first. Well, toys come and go...life is a game or a bus or whatever it is and experience; whatever kind of experience, is still an experience.
Thursday 21 October 2010
The Wild And Unpredictable Me -vs The Straight Me
Clarity sets in. For so long I have tried to supress my rebellious nature, to not let my full real self out; I've tried to fit in, I've tried to act sleepy and normal and act like I feel the right amount of feelings but; I'm reaching a conclusion. I should stop. Even Wolfie, who supports me in every way, has said in the past I need to calm down a bit, because I'm so full on. Now, recently, like in the past week or two, I've managed to quench myself a little, managed to get a little straighter, a little self control. I've done it by learning -it was hard learning- how to not feel everything I feel. To close my feelings off for a while and to put my guts and soul away, so it doesn't engage in life's feelings, so it doesn't get to feel as much stuff as it used to. And it's made me straighter. People have commented on it. See, maybe this is why I never took part in the world...because in doing so, I lose a bit of me, I have to change a bit of myself, and that bit is an important part in who I am.
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Poems
Some poems I wrote a few years back when I was going through a really tough time.
Stupid Girl
red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up
Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today
there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries
creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts
lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes
daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine
i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today
my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take themm away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned
stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know
******************************************
My Best Friend
My best friend
The one who's always there
The one who sees me in all my pain
The one who mocks me, makes me cringe in shame
My best friend
Holds me tight in a knot
My best friend
Loves me all the same
Twisted thoughts she lets flood my mind
Can't turn my head away, for the thoughts inside
My best friend
What a joke
My best friend
The irony of it all
When I see her face my indsides churn
Love, pure hate, sadness creeping in
I'm stuck with her, for the rest of my days
My sweet self
And she is to me
Everything I hate in me
And she could be
Everything I want to be
My best friend, my worst enemy
You are me
***********************************
Daddy Got A Freebie
Daddy got a freebie
sat on the stairs
mask grrl mask grrl
wear my mask of shame
i hate you
i am you
ill become me now
Daddy got a freebie
he liked it you know
starved for affection
poor daddy had to get his
then i got mine
mould me into you
twist my guts out baby
toughen me up
protect me from the monsters downstairs
she weeps
she cries
she stands
daddy daddy
he got a freebie
a little lost innocence
a little dirty touch
tore a hole in my world
love me daddy
dont let me down
hurt me
grate my guts onto a plate of laughter
my spilled guts
sweep them up
coz daddy had his freebie
hate me im yours to hate
love me im yours to need
daddy got his freebie
pay him back some
give it away
give it away to anyone
daddys freebie aint so special now
Daddy daddy
why'd you lose it all
daddy daddy
i love you still
love you more but cant forget
not this time
rebel turned black now
rebel was the freebie
lost girl innocence
was never innocent anyway
stand alone
press out your memories
never was me
Daddys freebie bloomed
washed away the crap
left standing alone in the dark
a black pixie nymph
and i dont do it for free
daddy taught me how
how to survive
Stupid Girl
red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up
Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today
there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries
creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts
lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes
daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine
i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today
my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take themm away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned
stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know
******************************************
My Best Friend
My best friend
The one who's always there
The one who sees me in all my pain
The one who mocks me, makes me cringe in shame
My best friend
Holds me tight in a knot
My best friend
Loves me all the same
Twisted thoughts she lets flood my mind
Can't turn my head away, for the thoughts inside
My best friend
What a joke
My best friend
The irony of it all
When I see her face my indsides churn
Love, pure hate, sadness creeping in
I'm stuck with her, for the rest of my days
My sweet self
And she is to me
Everything I hate in me
And she could be
Everything I want to be
My best friend, my worst enemy
You are me
***********************************
Daddy Got A Freebie
Daddy got a freebie
sat on the stairs
mask grrl mask grrl
wear my mask of shame
i hate you
i am you
ill become me now
Daddy got a freebie
he liked it you know
starved for affection
poor daddy had to get his
then i got mine
mould me into you
twist my guts out baby
toughen me up
protect me from the monsters downstairs
she weeps
she cries
she stands
daddy daddy
he got a freebie
a little lost innocence
a little dirty touch
tore a hole in my world
love me daddy
dont let me down
hurt me
grate my guts onto a plate of laughter
my spilled guts
sweep them up
coz daddy had his freebie
hate me im yours to hate
love me im yours to need
daddy got his freebie
pay him back some
give it away
give it away to anyone
daddys freebie aint so special now
Daddy daddy
why'd you lose it all
daddy daddy
i love you still
love you more but cant forget
not this time
rebel turned black now
rebel was the freebie
lost girl innocence
was never innocent anyway
stand alone
press out your memories
never was me
Daddys freebie bloomed
washed away the crap
left standing alone in the dark
a black pixie nymph
and i dont do it for free
daddy taught me how
how to survive
Friday 15 October 2010
The Enemy...
We are not the darkest ones. Here we stand, seemingly alone and for the most part proud, but under the self-inflicted delusion that we are the darkest. That's what the enemy would have us think; paint us as the monsters so that they aren't so.
We like blood. We hunger for violence. We crave desire and feeling and we thirst after those actions which link us to our true primal natures.
Cleverly, maliciously, the enemy has taught us to believe that these desires, urges and feelings are wrong and are something to be avoided or quenched and that to feel these feelings is an indication that something is wrong with us.
And what of the enemy? Surely those in power are right-hence the reason they are in power and we are not? Question authority; it's the way forwards. How did they get to power? Lies, propaganda and riding on others mistakes and misfortune helped. Selling out their core selves and ideals in order to achieve status of power and wealth.
They do it subtley; they make people afraid. They make people angry and they teach people to aim for fame anmd fortune and financial success. When the majority of society is aiming for these purely entrinsic goals the world gets colder, harsher; making it a more suitable playground for those in power to play in. People forget. People stop caring. They start to believe things like it's acceptable to walk over people and they give up their core beliefs in order to better themselves in "the real world". Don't you hate that term; "the real world"? What is the real world? Peception is reality is what I say. The enemy wants people to worship fame, fortune and financial success and wants to make these things important to the mass. If the mass looks up to these entrinsic values, if the mass believes that fame, fortune and money are important then the small minority groups become unimportant. Turkeys voting for christmas.
The enemy tells us that our true natures are wrong, though they don't acknowledge it is our true nature because how can nature be wrong? Rather, they tell us that is is abnormal, something to be feared, hated and locked away.
We are not the darkest ones. I may be violent, blood-thirsty, twisted and hungry, but I'm honest about it and in embracing my nature I satisfy it. Denying our true natures and painting them as something abnormal and sub-human only makes us crave it all the more; look at the mob rules, the gangs of drunken thugs or the rapists and peodophiles that prey on the weak. When we try to supress our natures and put up a pretence of civilised innocence we only manage to quieten our savage natures for a little while...and it leaks out in other areas of our lives. I don't hurt society with my beasts; those in power do enough of that for everyone.
We like blood. We hunger for violence. We crave desire and feeling and we thirst after those actions which link us to our true primal natures.
Cleverly, maliciously, the enemy has taught us to believe that these desires, urges and feelings are wrong and are something to be avoided or quenched and that to feel these feelings is an indication that something is wrong with us.
And what of the enemy? Surely those in power are right-hence the reason they are in power and we are not? Question authority; it's the way forwards. How did they get to power? Lies, propaganda and riding on others mistakes and misfortune helped. Selling out their core selves and ideals in order to achieve status of power and wealth.
They do it subtley; they make people afraid. They make people angry and they teach people to aim for fame anmd fortune and financial success. When the majority of society is aiming for these purely entrinsic goals the world gets colder, harsher; making it a more suitable playground for those in power to play in. People forget. People stop caring. They start to believe things like it's acceptable to walk over people and they give up their core beliefs in order to better themselves in "the real world". Don't you hate that term; "the real world"? What is the real world? Peception is reality is what I say. The enemy wants people to worship fame, fortune and financial success and wants to make these things important to the mass. If the mass looks up to these entrinsic values, if the mass believes that fame, fortune and money are important then the small minority groups become unimportant. Turkeys voting for christmas.
The enemy tells us that our true natures are wrong, though they don't acknowledge it is our true nature because how can nature be wrong? Rather, they tell us that is is abnormal, something to be feared, hated and locked away.
We are not the darkest ones. I may be violent, blood-thirsty, twisted and hungry, but I'm honest about it and in embracing my nature I satisfy it. Denying our true natures and painting them as something abnormal and sub-human only makes us crave it all the more; look at the mob rules, the gangs of drunken thugs or the rapists and peodophiles that prey on the weak. When we try to supress our natures and put up a pretence of civilised innocence we only manage to quieten our savage natures for a little while...and it leaks out in other areas of our lives. I don't hurt society with my beasts; those in power do enough of that for everyone.
Sanctuary
And they shall be my sanctuary, the greats, those who have it, yet realise it is not important. When those who should be on your side turn from you, it is only then that you realise the flip side to being as you are; solitary, in your own mind; not one in there but a hundred or more. That knowledge means you can be alone because it's okay; you're not really alone.
So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.
The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.
What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.
The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.
I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.
So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.
The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.
What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.
The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.
I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.
Thursday 14 October 2010
Strength and Individualism
Okay so my rage feels like childish fury, spitting and angry and passionate and hot to touch -scalding- actually.
Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.
Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.
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