Sanctuary

And they shall be my sanctuary, the greats, those who have it, yet realise it is not important. When those who should be on your side turn from you, it is only then that you realise the flip side to being as you are; solitary, in your own mind; not one in there but a hundred or more. That knowledge means you can be alone because it's okay; you're not really alone.

So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.

The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.

What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.

The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.

I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.