Strength and Individualism

Okay so my rage feels like childish fury, spitting and angry and passionate and hot to touch -scalding- actually.

Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.