Had my first real insights on what people actually think of me this weekend....and I'm shocked actually. I got described stuff like "funny" and "chaotic" and "dark" among other things....See in your own head you never really have a solid vision of what you yourself is like, I guess maybe because no-one really has a personality on their own, they only have a personailty when they are interacting with others, and so I don't really see myself as any one solid thing. I guess if I did think "I wonder how I come across to other people?" which I have done, on a few occasions, I always thought they saw me as a bit annoying, fairly socially-awkward and without social boundaries. It's funny because in "real life" (fucking hate that phrase) I'm really shy until you know me I'll be the most quietest introverted person ever invented, but once you get to know me I change then and end up the opposite-with no qualms and nothing to hide-I don't get subtley or why people need to hide things from each other-I'm me, take me as I am or deal with the bits of me you can deal with and don't stick around for the bits you can't. I've been trying hard, in the past two years, to understand the way I am more, and to understand why other people are the way they are-I feel lonely sometimes, alot, when I see how others interact with each other and there's me all not interacting and being unable to connect with people except on a false level of pretence. Which is why I don't bother-why say something nice to someone if you don't mean it? Why bother having the same mind-numbing idle chit chats with strangers when niether of you could care less about the subject matter? If I have something nice to say-I'll say it. If I have something horrible to say, I'll usually make a token effort at least, to hold back and not say it, unless I feel that familiar anger rising in me and I either get out my feelings or burst trying. Wolfie tries to explain to me why people lie like they do, but I don't get it....the world seems so simple to me in some respects yet when it's full of people it becomes horribly confusing and nothing makes sense and I feel pushed out of the world in which I am in, because my mind just doesn't know how to reason everything logically.
I was a bit "oooh, people really see me like that?!" when they first said it, -I've never thought myself funny or particularly interesting, but I guess I know myself and when you know something so completely it loses some of its interest to an extent, maybe that's it? I get bored of being in my head sometimes, my mind aches to break free and go to a place it knows exists...only I on a conscious level cannot know what this place is, or how to get there. Thing is, when you strip down all the humor and all the confusion I get about myself and strip down all the dizzyness and all the insults and stuff-I'm not funny or dark or chaotic-I'm just a scared lost girl in a massive world which is full of stuff happening and all the noise and all the lights and stimulation makes me unable to think clearly and it fuddles my head up, and I get lost within myself.
In my head I see the world as black or white. Goodies and baddies. Though not absolute goodies or baddies, but relative to the persons perceptions. Like if someone does something in my favour I will see them as a goodie, but for sure there will be someone else out there who sees that person as a baddie, so whilst I get nothing has an absolute and nothing's as it seems...it kinda is, because I take things into my own perception and see them that way and since I am me, I view the world through my own eyes so my world view then becomes black and white and certainty is found where there previously was none.
This is how hard it is being in my head sometimes. Stuff makes so much sense that it stops making sense at all and the lines just get more and more blurred.
Showing posts with label Myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Myself. Show all posts
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Thursday, 21 October 2010
The Wild And Unpredictable Me -vs The Straight Me
Clarity sets in. For so long I have tried to supress my rebellious nature, to not let my full real self out; I've tried to fit in, I've tried to act sleepy and normal and act like I feel the right amount of feelings but; I'm reaching a conclusion. I should stop. Even Wolfie, who supports me in every way, has said in the past I need to calm down a bit, because I'm so full on. Now, recently, like in the past week or two, I've managed to quench myself a little, managed to get a little straighter, a little self control. I've done it by learning -it was hard learning- how to not feel everything I feel. To close my feelings off for a while and to put my guts and soul away, so it doesn't engage in life's feelings, so it doesn't get to feel as much stuff as it used to. And it's made me straighter. People have commented on it. See, maybe this is why I never took part in the world...because in doing so, I lose a bit of me, I have to change a bit of myself, and that bit is an important part in who I am.
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!
Friday, 15 October 2010
Sanctuary
And they shall be my sanctuary, the greats, those who have it, yet realise it is not important. When those who should be on your side turn from you, it is only then that you realise the flip side to being as you are; solitary, in your own mind; not one in there but a hundred or more. That knowledge means you can be alone because it's okay; you're not really alone.
So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.
The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.
What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.
The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.
I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.
So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.
The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.
What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.
The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.
I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Strength and Individualism
Okay so my rage feels like childish fury, spitting and angry and passionate and hot to touch -scalding- actually.
Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.
Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Bluesday Tuesday; POW!
Okay so after taking mandy at the weekend, today was "Bluesday Tuesday" a term Wolfie used to describe the emotional comedown you get 2 days after having MDMA before you manage to replenish your serotonin levels.
It wasn't that bad. Went to college listening to Leonard Cohen and Hole...Cohen soothed me actually, but Hole mad me sad. I read alot today too. And I even wrote on the bus, though it sounded kinda crazy when I read it back to myself, I'll post it on here when I get chance, probably. Muddled.
I have been horrible tonight though, thoroughly bratty (can I be bratty anymore, now I'm not his like that?) and bad tempered and grouchy and aggressive. Though he got me in my place in a way I felt and loved heh.
Got a very interesting couple of weekends coming up too, an alone weekend this time round, which is something we've not had for ages and ages, then the one after, well, I got me skank ("a friend") coming, which should be fun, in ways I can't or won't go into on here for now *grins*. I used to feel different about this, the first time...now I've changed and I'm more enlightened into myself these days, than before....and I see things differently. And I feel different. And also on a seperate note I'm a lot more confident in my abilities nowadays, though if anyone is reading this it will just sound a big ball of jumbly crap to them lol, but it gets stuff off my head onto paper, and I need somewhere to express myself more so that's okay. Cryptic.
So yeah Bluesday Tuesday....you didn't bluesday me so have it :p
It wasn't that bad. Went to college listening to Leonard Cohen and Hole...Cohen soothed me actually, but Hole mad me sad. I read alot today too. And I even wrote on the bus, though it sounded kinda crazy when I read it back to myself, I'll post it on here when I get chance, probably. Muddled.
I have been horrible tonight though, thoroughly bratty (can I be bratty anymore, now I'm not his like that?) and bad tempered and grouchy and aggressive. Though he got me in my place in a way I felt and loved heh.
Got a very interesting couple of weekends coming up too, an alone weekend this time round, which is something we've not had for ages and ages, then the one after, well, I got me skank ("a friend") coming, which should be fun, in ways I can't or won't go into on here for now *grins*. I used to feel different about this, the first time...now I've changed and I'm more enlightened into myself these days, than before....and I see things differently. And I feel different. And also on a seperate note I'm a lot more confident in my abilities nowadays, though if anyone is reading this it will just sound a big ball of jumbly crap to them lol, but it gets stuff off my head onto paper, and I need somewhere to express myself more so that's okay. Cryptic.
So yeah Bluesday Tuesday....you didn't bluesday me so have it :p
Monday, 11 October 2010
Oh, the feeling...it's all about the feeling, baby
It really is. I've changed. And so has mine and Wolfie's world. There is no way to describe it, but...it's different now, more fluid, interchangeable. And I feel different. More power, more magic, more feeling and more understanding. Like I said earlier, my brain seems like a time bomb, and when it goes off I don't know what will happen, but it'll be a ride, that's for sure. I've never been educated, or smart, or quick witted, yet, I'm growing. And I feel like I'm feeding my mind and my head and it feels good.
Speaking of feeling good; I had MDMA for the first time in over a year at the weekend. FUCKING HELL it was good. The night before, I resisted drugs at all-I said I wanted to and it was hard, as Wolfie did them and so did my mate, it was so hard saying no to the drugs then and being the only one not doing them, but if I had of not been able to say no to them, then I should have no business doing them at all. But go me coz I resisted. But the MDMA was amazing, it made me remember what it was like to feel on that stuff...and oh, I felt so much.
And I'm feeling so much, alot lately. My feelings and thoughts are coming together, it feels like something is building in there, not something crazy like a couple years ago, but something strong and powerful and freeing. And it's not where I end up that I'm looking forwards to, it's the ride; it's all about the ride, baby.
Speaking of feeling good; I had MDMA for the first time in over a year at the weekend. FUCKING HELL it was good. The night before, I resisted drugs at all-I said I wanted to and it was hard, as Wolfie did them and so did my mate, it was so hard saying no to the drugs then and being the only one not doing them, but if I had of not been able to say no to them, then I should have no business doing them at all. But go me coz I resisted. But the MDMA was amazing, it made me remember what it was like to feel on that stuff...and oh, I felt so much.
And I'm feeling so much, alot lately. My feelings and thoughts are coming together, it feels like something is building in there, not something crazy like a couple years ago, but something strong and powerful and freeing. And it's not where I end up that I'm looking forwards to, it's the ride; it's all about the ride, baby.
New Directions....New thoughts
"and then it felt like her brain was a time bomb; ticking, ticking, and there was no telling when it would go off. And she was scared, because now that she was doing this the world, whilst it did seem more vibrant, it was also faster. And the speed and the thought of where she was headed was frightening for her, yet, she was going to enjoy the ride."
So I started college. An access to university one, that will get me "credits" to get into uni. See all this stuff I just don't know about....I'm not equipped to deal with the grown up world, and whilst I'm very fucking excited about going to college, I'm also very scared. The world seems faster, more racier, and I seem...to have something to call my own. But I panic because it all seems so big and overwhelming and like I'm in charge of my brain and I don't know what to do with it properly. University? Me? I wonder how I'll cope.
I started the course not knowing what I wanted to be. Everyone else on the course did know, they had solid definitions and plans of what they wanted to achieve and be. Me? "I don't know what I wanna be, when I grow up. IF I grow up." But between me and Wolfie, with Wolfie's guidance, I've set myself a plan, kinda. I'm going to do this course, do university and become a journalist., Writing. Expressing myself and letting the world know stuff. What stuff I have to show the world I don't know yet, but it's there. Like the start of my post says; my brain is feeling like a time bomb at the minute, ticking, ticking, and who knows when or how or what will happen when it goes off.
So I started college. An access to university one, that will get me "credits" to get into uni. See all this stuff I just don't know about....I'm not equipped to deal with the grown up world, and whilst I'm very fucking excited about going to college, I'm also very scared. The world seems faster, more racier, and I seem...to have something to call my own. But I panic because it all seems so big and overwhelming and like I'm in charge of my brain and I don't know what to do with it properly. University? Me? I wonder how I'll cope.
I started the course not knowing what I wanted to be. Everyone else on the course did know, they had solid definitions and plans of what they wanted to achieve and be. Me? "I don't know what I wanna be, when I grow up. IF I grow up." But between me and Wolfie, with Wolfie's guidance, I've set myself a plan, kinda. I'm going to do this course, do university and become a journalist., Writing. Expressing myself and letting the world know stuff. What stuff I have to show the world I don't know yet, but it's there. Like the start of my post says; my brain is feeling like a time bomb at the minute, ticking, ticking, and who knows when or how or what will happen when it goes off.
Friday, 1 October 2010
Old stuff...
Was looking through my old writings and came across this...written nearly three years ago, and reading it it feels home...like in my mind, and it brings back mewmories of how angry and hurt and torn apart I felt back then...though I think when this was written I was getting over stuff and starting to move on. Will post some poems soon too.
it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone too. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.
it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone too. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Back :)
Okay so going to start keepinmg a blog again. This one is kinda messy, what with all the reposted posts, but...so what lol. I'll keep it tidyer starting from....now.
Having Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with Wolfie, and it's working well actually. I've started to face some of my past in a way I never did before. More on that later though.
And anger! Actually dealing with my anger properly now, so hopefully I'm turning into a less psycho-angry person.
Right that's it for this, coz I just woke up.
Bleh.
Having Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with Wolfie, and it's working well actually. I've started to face some of my past in a way I never did before. More on that later though.
And anger! Actually dealing with my anger properly now, so hopefully I'm turning into a less psycho-angry person.
Right that's it for this, coz I just woke up.
Bleh.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Delicious Memories
Okay start the blog again then! Will upload previous posts as I go along....as and when I can be arsed :) Though todays post I shall post now....here it is....wait for it.....NOW!
Delicious Memories :) Pt 1
Do drugs work? They can do, if you have the rigth attitude. For me,it's hard. I have a highly HIGHLY addictive personality, and I always want more. The first time I took a drug; MDMA. It was E. Four of them. It was amazing. A feeling like no other. My whole mind opened up, my senses intensified. I could see, feel, smell, hear, taste and experience...everything, so much more. The world was brighter, everything more vivid, everything alive and awake. I've chased that feeling ever since. What intensified the whole experience even more for me was the fact I shared it with Wolfie. I had never met him before. (okay this was originally a drugs post but now it's gonna be an I-met-Wolfie post). He was big. He was bad. I was little. I was shy. I was, essentially, a good girl. He was tall, dark, very good looking with dark eyes and a shaved head. I knew he liked nasty degrading sex. I knew he liked drugs. I had tried niether. He was like a gateway, an invitation into an exciting, dangerous new world. Desire is entrapment. That's what he had said. And I REALLY desired him. He was older than me, and better educated. I remember him stepping off the coach- my legs were shaking I was so meep and nervous. We went for coffee. He wore all black. And a long black trench coat. He drank coffee, a grown ups drink, whilst I had tea. I was quiet, shy, he had me under his spell. We walked to the bus stop. He had a bag with him. It made me nervous because I knew he had things in there, to use on me, to do to me. BDSM like. I's never done anything like that before. Though I craved it badly. At the bus stop we laughed about how shy I was, how nervous he made me. Then, he kissed me. Wowza.
At home, we chatted and stuff, as it got nearer to night time Wolfie took out the E. He had said he was bringing some. I had never touched drugs up til then. Hell I didn't even drink. I was a vegan hippy good-girl; shy nieve, yet hungry- starving- for this.
He took his E and placed mine on the table. Three small white pills to start. The time was here now: did I take them and step into "that" world, or not?
Of course I took them. I was scared- I had a big bad stranger in my house, he had already told me (via text messages online) he wanted to do bad things to me. Bad things I would like. He had brought drugs. He had brought whips. He had brought hunger and desire and all sorts of exciting feelings I had never felt before.
The drugs took about half an hour to work. In the meantime, he suggested I go "get changed" and "show him what I had bought for him". I had bought a revealing black lacy basquette thing and fishnets. Sexy clothes were not something I was used to. Niether was make up. Niether was having my body looked at in a sexual way. I came back down, wearing it. Gosh I felt small and exposed. He smiled, a kind of confident hungry predatory smile as I came in. Looking me up and down approvingly. I had nevger felt so self concious before, Ever. I felt tiny next to him-he was 6ft3 and I was 5ft1 and probably weighed about 8stone, a little heavier than I am now. I had long dark hair, and had never thought of myself as pretty before, I was always a tom boy really. But right then I felt pretty.
The E started to kick in. All of a sudden colours were brighter and there was a rush of life and awakening going on in my head. I kind of forgot how to form coherent sentences then. For a bit. Wolfie was great. He stood close to me, his strong arms holding me gently, his voice calm and low and steady.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.
That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.
Delicious Memories :) Pt 1
Do drugs work? They can do, if you have the rigth attitude. For me,it's hard. I have a highly HIGHLY addictive personality, and I always want more. The first time I took a drug; MDMA. It was E. Four of them. It was amazing. A feeling like no other. My whole mind opened up, my senses intensified. I could see, feel, smell, hear, taste and experience...everything, so much more. The world was brighter, everything more vivid, everything alive and awake. I've chased that feeling ever since. What intensified the whole experience even more for me was the fact I shared it with Wolfie. I had never met him before. (okay this was originally a drugs post but now it's gonna be an I-met-Wolfie post). He was big. He was bad. I was little. I was shy. I was, essentially, a good girl. He was tall, dark, very good looking with dark eyes and a shaved head. I knew he liked nasty degrading sex. I knew he liked drugs. I had tried niether. He was like a gateway, an invitation into an exciting, dangerous new world. Desire is entrapment. That's what he had said. And I REALLY desired him. He was older than me, and better educated. I remember him stepping off the coach- my legs were shaking I was so meep and nervous. We went for coffee. He wore all black. And a long black trench coat. He drank coffee, a grown ups drink, whilst I had tea. I was quiet, shy, he had me under his spell. We walked to the bus stop. He had a bag with him. It made me nervous because I knew he had things in there, to use on me, to do to me. BDSM like. I's never done anything like that before. Though I craved it badly. At the bus stop we laughed about how shy I was, how nervous he made me. Then, he kissed me. Wowza.
At home, we chatted and stuff, as it got nearer to night time Wolfie took out the E. He had said he was bringing some. I had never touched drugs up til then. Hell I didn't even drink. I was a vegan hippy good-girl; shy nieve, yet hungry- starving- for this.
He took his E and placed mine on the table. Three small white pills to start. The time was here now: did I take them and step into "that" world, or not?
Of course I took them. I was scared- I had a big bad stranger in my house, he had already told me (via text messages online) he wanted to do bad things to me. Bad things I would like. He had brought drugs. He had brought whips. He had brought hunger and desire and all sorts of exciting feelings I had never felt before.
The drugs took about half an hour to work. In the meantime, he suggested I go "get changed" and "show him what I had bought for him". I had bought a revealing black lacy basquette thing and fishnets. Sexy clothes were not something I was used to. Niether was make up. Niether was having my body looked at in a sexual way. I came back down, wearing it. Gosh I felt small and exposed. He smiled, a kind of confident hungry predatory smile as I came in. Looking me up and down approvingly. I had nevger felt so self concious before, Ever. I felt tiny next to him-he was 6ft3 and I was 5ft1 and probably weighed about 8stone, a little heavier than I am now. I had long dark hair, and had never thought of myself as pretty before, I was always a tom boy really. But right then I felt pretty.
The E started to kick in. All of a sudden colours were brighter and there was a rush of life and awakening going on in my head. I kind of forgot how to form coherent sentences then. For a bit. Wolfie was great. He stood close to me, his strong arms holding me gently, his voice calm and low and steady.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.
That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.
Delicious Memories Part 2
The E started to kick in. All of a sudden colours were brighter and there was a rush of life and awakening going on in my head. I kind of forgot how to form coherent sentences then. For a bit. Wolfie was great. He stood close to me, his strong arms holding me gently, his voice calm and low and steady.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.
That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.
That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
My High Ramblings
Friday, 8 January 2010
My High Ramblings
Wrote a fairly mushy thing about Wolfie but um not gonna post it all on here coz well....I don't do mushy, unless it's in secret :p But I will post a lil of my mushyness, coz it kinda leads up to my blog post, I wrote all this this morning at about 6am, after being up all night taking speed and having deviant fun :p
Okay here it is. (I'm never good with introducing myself or my words, I've noticed this).
Everyone's in bed and I feel like I should be too. Except I'm not, and no matter how tired I feel I'd never be able to sleep coz I've done speed all night tonight (last night?) and that keeps me awake for about 2 days straight. Walking zombie Faythy? Me thinks so...but hey at least I'll be a calm and centred and able to function zombie.
Wolfie has gone to bed now with a headache.
I'm so into him. In love with him? Yeah! Love him? Yeah!! He's my confidente, my friend, my lover, my teacher guide, my Master and...my husband.
(I then go on to spout mucho mushy crap which I'll leave out of this version coz um I don't wanna spoil my tough chick image :p)
....I love him for what he teaches me. I love him for who he is, I see his feelings, his heart, the dark decedant truth. And it comforts me because I get it too. And in him, I know I'm not alone.
Though I'm working on not allowing myself to rely on him. I've relied on other people for so much-relied on them to sort out mundane everyday life stuff, because I can't be arsed or "don't believe in bills or laws", relied on them to take the reins when I couldn't find it in me to do so....Hell, I've relied alot on Wolfie to keep me under control when, seeing now, I need to be able to rely on myself for that-if I can't keep control of myself, no-one else will or can either.
I need then, to learn to let go of the little things that don't matter, to not tantrum or be petulant when things don't go my way. To not scream and give in to the kids when I mean no, to laugh more, play more, be more organised and less highly strung. To learn to back down when right to do so...it's no good "winning" the arguement or causing an arguement if doing so will upset the people I love. Obviously this applies to my loved ones only though...not about to starting backing down to everyone here! I need to learn patience and self control. Calmness and confidence. To be able to stop and just listen. To stop making everything into a chore or work...enjoy....everything alot more.
At the end of all our days, no-one knows what happens, I think. We might live forever or we might die and be gone, our energy recycled back into the pool of life that makes up the universe. So we should try to live each day like it's our last. Experience...everything. My advice (hah yeah who am I to give advice?) is not to look at things in black and white, but in shades of every colour. No good or bad experiences really-just experiences. "Good" ones, are well, nice memories to hold onto, and "bad" ones....make us that much stronger and wiser. So it can't be "bad" really....it just is.
I want-need-crave and ache to be pushed. I want it to be unfair. I need to feel stripped, owned, under his power. Be unfair. Call the shots.
Yet I also need an outlet for my rage and anger....anger at.....everything yet nothing. I'm an angry grrl heh.
I want to feel small, captured, controloed, humiliated...yet I need to fight the whole way there, up until he pushes me into my submission, which I give freely and completely to him.
And I love the power. In submission I find freedom. In dominating I find power. And glee, heh. It's addictive. When I domme somebody I start by feeling nervous and a little under pressure as I always do when I feel there are expectations on me in some way. Pressure on me from myself to let go and dominate, to be hard and demanding and creative enough. Then, I focus myself and realise I'm actually having fun. Then I realise I'm having LOTS of fun and my self confidence is growing. Soon I see how damn good it feels, and their submission, their devotion, that aching need to submit- it feeds me, makes me feel so fucking powerful like I'm queen of the world. I become relaxed enough that I can let go and take from them what I enjoy most. Whether that be getting that gleeful, amused feeling when I hurt them and see them flinch or having my thirst for their shame and embarassement quenched a little. Feed my hunger and it gets hungrier. My own pet demonic raging monster; you have one too, everyone does, except most people can't/won't admit it because they have been brainwashed into thinking these feelings are wrong, somehow beneath us. How so? They are human traits, human feelings, they aren't meant to be totally quashed and "forgotten" about. Keep your darker side on a leash but let it oput to play and feed every so often or it might break its chains. Feeling superior-human trait. Wanting power-human trait. Craving hurt/pain/shame-again these are all human traits and oh wait...we're (supossedly) human too! We haven't evolved past nature, evolved past human emotions, we need to stop pretending we have. Not accept all the fluffy "respectful" ones and push the less than wholeosme thoughts away.....in order to grow and develop we need to accept all parts of us, not just the bits we are comfortable with.
The human mind is a fascinating place to explore. The universe too. So vast and endless and so many different directions, options, hope. Never settle for "okay". Always seek more, that's not saying never be happy with what you have or achieve, but I mean in fun, ina not-structured and forced way, go for more. Maybe you achieve a target-gain a pass in a course or complete a project. Don't just be content...go after something else. A content person is a person with no dreams. Nothing to strive for. How utterly boring it would get.
Pian, disappointment, anger, hurt....it all serves to teach us about ourselves and the world around us. We need to feel these things in order for us to know how to deal with them. If we never experienced pain or disappointment, we'd be very weak willed people...emotionally we wouldn't stand a chance in the outside world.
So bring on the pain. Give me something real I can feel. Good or bad-it's still an experience. And through experience, we live.
Posted by Fayth at 2:17 PM 2 comments
My High Ramblings
Wrote a fairly mushy thing about Wolfie but um not gonna post it all on here coz well....I don't do mushy, unless it's in secret :p But I will post a lil of my mushyness, coz it kinda leads up to my blog post, I wrote all this this morning at about 6am, after being up all night taking speed and having deviant fun :p
Okay here it is. (I'm never good with introducing myself or my words, I've noticed this).
Everyone's in bed and I feel like I should be too. Except I'm not, and no matter how tired I feel I'd never be able to sleep coz I've done speed all night tonight (last night?) and that keeps me awake for about 2 days straight. Walking zombie Faythy? Me thinks so...but hey at least I'll be a calm and centred and able to function zombie.
Wolfie has gone to bed now with a headache.
I'm so into him. In love with him? Yeah! Love him? Yeah!! He's my confidente, my friend, my lover, my teacher guide, my Master and...my husband.
(I then go on to spout mucho mushy crap which I'll leave out of this version coz um I don't wanna spoil my tough chick image :p)
....I love him for what he teaches me. I love him for who he is, I see his feelings, his heart, the dark decedant truth. And it comforts me because I get it too. And in him, I know I'm not alone.
Though I'm working on not allowing myself to rely on him. I've relied on other people for so much-relied on them to sort out mundane everyday life stuff, because I can't be arsed or "don't believe in bills or laws", relied on them to take the reins when I couldn't find it in me to do so....Hell, I've relied alot on Wolfie to keep me under control when, seeing now, I need to be able to rely on myself for that-if I can't keep control of myself, no-one else will or can either.
I need then, to learn to let go of the little things that don't matter, to not tantrum or be petulant when things don't go my way. To not scream and give in to the kids when I mean no, to laugh more, play more, be more organised and less highly strung. To learn to back down when right to do so...it's no good "winning" the arguement or causing an arguement if doing so will upset the people I love. Obviously this applies to my loved ones only though...not about to starting backing down to everyone here! I need to learn patience and self control. Calmness and confidence. To be able to stop and just listen. To stop making everything into a chore or work...enjoy....everything alot more.
At the end of all our days, no-one knows what happens, I think. We might live forever or we might die and be gone, our energy recycled back into the pool of life that makes up the universe. So we should try to live each day like it's our last. Experience...everything. My advice (hah yeah who am I to give advice?) is not to look at things in black and white, but in shades of every colour. No good or bad experiences really-just experiences. "Good" ones, are well, nice memories to hold onto, and "bad" ones....make us that much stronger and wiser. So it can't be "bad" really....it just is.
I want-need-crave and ache to be pushed. I want it to be unfair. I need to feel stripped, owned, under his power. Be unfair. Call the shots.
Yet I also need an outlet for my rage and anger....anger at.....everything yet nothing. I'm an angry grrl heh.
I want to feel small, captured, controloed, humiliated...yet I need to fight the whole way there, up until he pushes me into my submission, which I give freely and completely to him.
And I love the power. In submission I find freedom. In dominating I find power. And glee, heh. It's addictive. When I domme somebody I start by feeling nervous and a little under pressure as I always do when I feel there are expectations on me in some way. Pressure on me from myself to let go and dominate, to be hard and demanding and creative enough. Then, I focus myself and realise I'm actually having fun. Then I realise I'm having LOTS of fun and my self confidence is growing. Soon I see how damn good it feels, and their submission, their devotion, that aching need to submit- it feeds me, makes me feel so fucking powerful like I'm queen of the world. I become relaxed enough that I can let go and take from them what I enjoy most. Whether that be getting that gleeful, amused feeling when I hurt them and see them flinch or having my thirst for their shame and embarassement quenched a little. Feed my hunger and it gets hungrier. My own pet demonic raging monster; you have one too, everyone does, except most people can't/won't admit it because they have been brainwashed into thinking these feelings are wrong, somehow beneath us. How so? They are human traits, human feelings, they aren't meant to be totally quashed and "forgotten" about. Keep your darker side on a leash but let it oput to play and feed every so often or it might break its chains. Feeling superior-human trait. Wanting power-human trait. Craving hurt/pain/shame-again these are all human traits and oh wait...we're (supossedly) human too! We haven't evolved past nature, evolved past human emotions, we need to stop pretending we have. Not accept all the fluffy "respectful" ones and push the less than wholeosme thoughts away.....in order to grow and develop we need to accept all parts of us, not just the bits we are comfortable with.
The human mind is a fascinating place to explore. The universe too. So vast and endless and so many different directions, options, hope. Never settle for "okay". Always seek more, that's not saying never be happy with what you have or achieve, but I mean in fun, ina not-structured and forced way, go for more. Maybe you achieve a target-gain a pass in a course or complete a project. Don't just be content...go after something else. A content person is a person with no dreams. Nothing to strive for. How utterly boring it would get.
Pian, disappointment, anger, hurt....it all serves to teach us about ourselves and the world around us. We need to feel these things in order for us to know how to deal with them. If we never experienced pain or disappointment, we'd be very weak willed people...emotionally we wouldn't stand a chance in the outside world.
So bring on the pain. Give me something real I can feel. Good or bad-it's still an experience. And through experience, we live.
Posted by Fayth at 2:17 PM 2 comments
Again....and Delicious Memories, Part One
Okay start the blog again then! Will upload previous posts as I go along....as and when I can be arsed :) Though todays post I shall post now....here it is....wait for it.....NOW!
Delicious Memories :) Pt 1
Do drugs work? They can do, if you have the rigth attitude. For me,it's hard. I have a highly HIGHLY addictive personality, and I always want more. The first time I took a drug; MDMA. It was E. Four of them. It was amazing. A feeling like no other. My whole mind opened up, my senses intensified. I could see, feel, smell, hear, taste and experience...everything, so much more. The world was brighter, everything more vivid, everything alive and awake. I've chased that feeling ever since. What intensified the whole experience even more for me was the fact I shared it with Wolfie. I had never met him before. (okay this was originally a drugs post but now it's gonna be an I-met-Wolfie post). He was big. He was bad. I was little. I was shy. I was, essentially, a good girl. He was tall, dark, very good looking with dark eyes and a shaved head. I knew he liked nasty degrading sex. I knew he liked drugs. I had tried niether. He was like a gateway, an invitation into an exciting, dangerous new world. Desire is entrapment. That's what he had said. And I REALLY desired him. He was older than me, and better educated. I remember him stepping off the coach- my legs were shaking I was so meep and nervous. We went for coffee. He wore all black. And a long black trench coat. He drank coffee, a grown ups drink, whilst I had tea. I was quiet, shy, he had me under his spell. We walked to the bus stop. He had a bag with him. It made me nervous because I knew he had things in there, to use on me, to do to me. BDSM like. I's never done anything like that before. Though I craved it badly. At the bus stop we laughed about how shy I was, how nervous he made me. Then, he kissed me. Wowza.
At home, we chatted and stuff, as it got nearer to night time Wolfie took out the E. He had said he was bringing some. I had never touched drugs up til then. Hell I didn't even drink. I was a vegan hippy good-girl; shy nieve, yet hungry- starving- for this.
He took his E and placed mine on the table. Three small white pills to start. The time was here now: did I take them and step into "that" world, or not?
Of course I took them. I was scared- I had a big bad stranger in my house, he had already told me (via text messages online) he wanted to do bad things to me. Bad things I would like. He had brought drugs. He had brought whips. He had brought hunger and desire and all sorts of exciting feelings I had never felt before.
The drugs took about half an hour to work. In the meantime, he suggested I go "get changed" and "show him what I had bought for him". I had bought a revealing black lacy basquette thing and fishnets. Sexy clothes were not something I was used to. Niether was make up. Niether was having my body looked at in a sexual way. I came back down, wearing it. Gosh I felt small and exposed. He smiled, a kind of confident hungry predatory smile as I came in. Looking me up and down approvingly. I had nevger felt so self concious before, Ever. I felt tiny next to him-he was 6ft3 and I was 5ft1 and probably weighed about 8stone, a little heavier than I am now. I had long dark hair, and had never thought of myself as pretty before, I was always a tom boy really. But right then I felt pretty.
Okay well I'll type up more laters but that's it for now....part two to come ;)
Delicious Memories :) Pt 1
Do drugs work? They can do, if you have the rigth attitude. For me,it's hard. I have a highly HIGHLY addictive personality, and I always want more. The first time I took a drug; MDMA. It was E. Four of them. It was amazing. A feeling like no other. My whole mind opened up, my senses intensified. I could see, feel, smell, hear, taste and experience...everything, so much more. The world was brighter, everything more vivid, everything alive and awake. I've chased that feeling ever since. What intensified the whole experience even more for me was the fact I shared it with Wolfie. I had never met him before. (okay this was originally a drugs post but now it's gonna be an I-met-Wolfie post). He was big. He was bad. I was little. I was shy. I was, essentially, a good girl. He was tall, dark, very good looking with dark eyes and a shaved head. I knew he liked nasty degrading sex. I knew he liked drugs. I had tried niether. He was like a gateway, an invitation into an exciting, dangerous new world. Desire is entrapment. That's what he had said. And I REALLY desired him. He was older than me, and better educated. I remember him stepping off the coach- my legs were shaking I was so meep and nervous. We went for coffee. He wore all black. And a long black trench coat. He drank coffee, a grown ups drink, whilst I had tea. I was quiet, shy, he had me under his spell. We walked to the bus stop. He had a bag with him. It made me nervous because I knew he had things in there, to use on me, to do to me. BDSM like. I's never done anything like that before. Though I craved it badly. At the bus stop we laughed about how shy I was, how nervous he made me. Then, he kissed me. Wowza.
At home, we chatted and stuff, as it got nearer to night time Wolfie took out the E. He had said he was bringing some. I had never touched drugs up til then. Hell I didn't even drink. I was a vegan hippy good-girl; shy nieve, yet hungry- starving- for this.
He took his E and placed mine on the table. Three small white pills to start. The time was here now: did I take them and step into "that" world, or not?
Of course I took them. I was scared- I had a big bad stranger in my house, he had already told me (via text messages online) he wanted to do bad things to me. Bad things I would like. He had brought drugs. He had brought whips. He had brought hunger and desire and all sorts of exciting feelings I had never felt before.
The drugs took about half an hour to work. In the meantime, he suggested I go "get changed" and "show him what I had bought for him". I had bought a revealing black lacy basquette thing and fishnets. Sexy clothes were not something I was used to. Niether was make up. Niether was having my body looked at in a sexual way. I came back down, wearing it. Gosh I felt small and exposed. He smiled, a kind of confident hungry predatory smile as I came in. Looking me up and down approvingly. I had nevger felt so self concious before, Ever. I felt tiny next to him-he was 6ft3 and I was 5ft1 and probably weighed about 8stone, a little heavier than I am now. I had long dark hair, and had never thought of myself as pretty before, I was always a tom boy really. But right then I felt pretty.
Okay well I'll type up more laters but that's it for now....part two to come ;)
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