Skank and the Weekend

This weekend was AMAZING! Two nights of debauchery and sleaze and desire and gaming. Okay gaming doesn't esactly fit in with the sleaze and whatnot but still; it was fun. I am Wolfie's "thing" again, (yey), and I will never again doubt him or second guess him. Well I say never, I probably don't mean it. But he showed me this weekend where I stand, and now my head is all clear again....ready to be fucked up once more heh. It was a weekend different to how we originally planned, as his ex, Skank was supposed to come over but didn't, but it was still a weekend that's going on my Good List.

So Skank was supposed to come this weekend but didn't....she was ill apparantly. Skank is Wolfie's ex. He and her lived together before me. Then, they broke up and he got with me. About a year or so ago, Skank was our sub....it was twisted, fun and it felt....good, heh. Then my feelings changed, and it just stopped. I think all three of us kinda felt.....something had changed. A short while back, I got in touch with kank again, and we arranged for her to come over (this past weekend) and....stuff. She seemed eager enough too, said she really wanted to come and it was all planned...but then she got ill. Wolfie messaged her afterwards but no reply...wtf? Never had her pinned as that type.

Thing is, it's weird. Because out of everyone or anything, I honestly believe I can go that little bit further-I just do it....hold on for as long as I need to, push myself, limits? Limits aren't really real, not to me. If I find a self imposed limit I break it down, because I don't want to limit myself; limits are for other people, not for me. Skank is the only girl I've come across that I've thought "shit...I think she has gone further than I could," in respect to D/s and stuff. Coz if I had been in her position...and she had been with Wolfie and I had been her; I highly doubt I'd have been able to submit. I'd have fought, I'd have wished that both their genitals had fallen off; I'd have suggested in am aggressive manner that they shove various objects up their own arses....even if I loved Wolfie; I doubt I could have submitted, and that kinda sticks in me, because damnit I'd go far. Kudos to her for the first time round, when she did used to come and join in the fun and games, and it kinda makes me laugh that this time round...she backed off first. Well, toys come and go...life is a game or a bus or whatever it is and experience; whatever kind of experience, is still an experience.

The Wild And Unpredictable Me -vs The Straight Me

Clarity sets in. For so long I have tried to supress my rebellious nature, to not let my full real self out; I've tried to fit in, I've tried to act sleepy and normal and act like I feel the right amount of feelings but; I'm reaching a conclusion. I should stop. Even Wolfie, who supports me in every way, has said in the past I need to calm down a bit, because I'm so full on. Now, recently, like in the past week or two, I've managed to quench myself a little, managed to get a little straighter, a little self control. I've done it by learning -it was hard learning- how to not feel everything I feel. To close my feelings off for a while and to put my guts and soul away, so it doesn't engage in life's feelings, so it doesn't get to feel as much stuff as it used to. And it's made me straighter. People have commented on it. See, maybe this is why I never took part in the world...because in doing so, I lose a bit of me, I have to change a bit of myself, and that bit is an important part in who I am.
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!

Poems

Some poems I wrote a few years back when I was going through a really tough time.

Stupid Girl

red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up

Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today

there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries

creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts

lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes

daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine

i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today

my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take themm away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned

stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know

******************************************


My Best Friend

My best friend
The one who's always there
The one who sees me in all my pain
The one who mocks me, makes me cringe in shame
My best friend
Holds me tight in a knot

My best friend
Loves me all the same
Twisted thoughts she lets flood my mind
Can't turn my head away, for the thoughts inside
My best friend
What a joke

My best friend
The irony of it all
When I see her face my indsides churn
Love, pure hate, sadness creeping in
I'm stuck with her, for the rest of my days
My sweet self

And she is to me
Everything I hate in me
And she could be
Everything I want to be
My best friend, my worst enemy
You are me

***********************************

Daddy Got A Freebie

Daddy got a freebie
sat on the stairs
mask grrl mask grrl
wear my mask of shame
i hate you
i am you
ill become me now

Daddy got a freebie
he liked it you know
starved for affection
poor daddy had to get his
then i got mine

mould me into you
twist my guts out baby
toughen me up
protect me from the monsters downstairs
she weeps
she cries
she stands

daddy daddy
he got a freebie
a little lost innocence
a little dirty touch
tore a hole in my world
love me daddy
dont let me down

hurt me
grate my guts onto a plate of laughter
my spilled guts
sweep them up
coz daddy had his freebie
hate me im yours to hate
love me im yours to need

daddy got his freebie
pay him back some
give it away
give it away to anyone
daddys freebie aint so special now

Daddy daddy
why'd you lose it all
daddy daddy
i love you still
love you more but cant forget
not this time
rebel turned black now

rebel was the freebie
lost girl innocence
was never innocent anyway
stand alone
press out your memories
never was me

Daddys freebie bloomed
washed away the crap
left standing alone in the dark
a black pixie nymph
and i dont do it for free
daddy taught me how
how to survive

The Enemy...

We are not the darkest ones. Here we stand, seemingly alone and for the most part proud, but under the self-inflicted delusion that we are the darkest. That's what the enemy would have us think; paint us as the monsters so that they aren't so.
We like blood. We hunger for violence. We crave desire and feeling and we thirst after those actions which link us to our true primal natures.
Cleverly, maliciously, the enemy has taught us to believe that these desires, urges and feelings are wrong and are something to be avoided or quenched and that to feel these feelings is an indication that something is wrong with us.
And what of the enemy? Surely those in power are right-hence the reason they are in power and we are not? Question authority; it's the way forwards. How did they get to power? Lies, propaganda and riding on others mistakes and misfortune helped. Selling out their core selves and ideals in order to achieve status of power and wealth.
They do it subtley; they make people afraid. They make people angry and they teach people to aim for fame anmd fortune and financial success. When the majority of society is aiming for these purely entrinsic goals the world gets colder, harsher; making it a more suitable playground for those in power to play in. People forget. People stop caring. They start to believe things like it's acceptable to walk over people and they give up their core beliefs in order to better themselves in "the real world". Don't you hate that term; "the real world"? What is the real world? Peception is reality is what I say. The enemy wants people to worship fame, fortune and financial success and wants to make these things important to the mass. If the mass looks up to these entrinsic values, if the mass believes that fame, fortune and money are important then the small minority groups become unimportant. Turkeys voting for christmas.
The enemy tells us that our true natures are wrong, though they don't acknowledge it is our true nature because how can nature be wrong? Rather, they tell us that is is abnormal, something to be feared, hated and locked away.
We are not the darkest ones. I may be violent, blood-thirsty, twisted and hungry, but I'm honest about it and in embracing my nature I satisfy it. Denying our true natures and painting them as something abnormal and sub-human only makes us crave it all the more; look at the mob rules, the gangs of drunken thugs or the rapists and peodophiles that prey on the weak. When we try to supress our natures and put up a pretence of civilised innocence we only manage to quieten our savage natures for a little while...and it leaks out in other areas of our lives. I don't hurt society with my beasts; those in power do enough of that for everyone.

Sanctuary

And they shall be my sanctuary, the greats, those who have it, yet realise it is not important. When those who should be on your side turn from you, it is only then that you realise the flip side to being as you are; solitary, in your own mind; not one in there but a hundred or more. That knowledge means you can be alone because it's okay; you're not really alone.

So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.

The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.

What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.

The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.

I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.

Strength and Individualism

Okay so my rage feels like childish fury, spitting and angry and passionate and hot to touch -scalding- actually.

Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.

Papers, lies and GOSH THEY MAKE ME MAD

Okay so in college we are doing about papers and politics and where they stand. We were asked to bring in the papers that we read...I don't read papers but when I do, I read the Guardian. So I brought it in.

Everyone else on the whole entire class apart from one other lad, brought in either the Daily Mail, The Star or The Sun. I was reading some of the headlines and FUCKING HELL it made me wanna snatch the papers from their hands, rip them up, throw them onto the ground and stamp on them! Seriousl are the only stories these "papers" put out about benefit "scroungers", evil immigrants that wanna destroy our country or celebrity gossip? I mean gosh! If I took the mail, went for a crap then used the mails pages to wipe my arse on afterwards it would be better than the shit they print!

Then I'm sat over from a group of girls who were working together and this right posh stuck up lass is sat there going on about a story in her piece of shit paper about how this family on benefits were wrong to be so and they should get a job etc etc. She was saying about how when she was out of work for four months she didn't even use the benefit system as she used her own savings. What does she want, a fucking medal? She also stated how *everybody* could find a job if they looked, and when the teacher pointed out that there weren't enough jobs especially in the more old industrious areas, she just wouldn't believe her.

Thing is, these papers have all the power. They put out stories infused with poisonous propaganda and they give the general public something to hate or fear. Why? Because hate and fear sells papers, hate and fear also keeps people scared and in their place. Turn peoples attentions to something irrelevant and give them a scapegoat and the real "baddies" and people in power can carry on regardless. No-one qill question their morals or their ethics or what they are doing, because "it's in the good interests of our british nation." Fuck that. Benefit cheats? They make up about 1% of those on benefits. Immigrants? They make up about 5 million of the population; a population whos thotal is over 60 million. So gimme a break. Immigrants, drug users, welfare families...these people are not the enemy. The papers that put out fear and hate campaigns such as The Mail and The Sun and The Star; these are the enemies, they seek to keep us dumbed down and seek to rile us up over trivial matters which are not real concerns rather than to let us focus our attention on more pressing issues that really do hurt us.
The rich get rich and the poor stay poor...that's what the people in power want at the end of the day; afterall, they are the rich. And they sure don't wanna give up their power.
Thing is, if you look at the really real truth; that the papers seek to keep us dumb and to hide the truth from us, there must be a reason why. Why? My guess is because they know that if everyone were to learn the truth and we were all to stand up as one nation, regardless of colour or status or religion, that we would, as one single nation be strong enough to overcome the lies and hypocrisy of those in power and we would achieve freedom and enlightenment as one.

Bluesday Tuesday; POW!

Okay so after taking mandy at the weekend, today was "Bluesday Tuesday" a term Wolfie used to describe the emotional comedown you get 2 days after having MDMA before you manage to replenish your serotonin levels.

It wasn't that bad. Went to college listening to Leonard Cohen and Hole...Cohen soothed me actually, but Hole mad me sad. I read alot today too. And I even wrote on the bus, though it sounded kinda crazy when I read it back to myself, I'll post it on here when I get chance, probably. Muddled.

I have been horrible tonight though, thoroughly bratty (can I be bratty anymore, now I'm not his like that?) and bad tempered and grouchy and aggressive. Though he got me in my place in a way I felt and loved heh.

Got a very interesting couple of weekends coming up too, an alone weekend this time round, which is something we've not had for ages and ages, then the one after, well, I got me skank ("a friend") coming, which should be fun, in ways I can't or won't go into on here for now *grins*. I used to feel different about this, the first time...now I've changed and I'm more enlightened into myself these days, than before....and I see things differently. And I feel different. And also on a seperate note I'm a lot more confident in my abilities nowadays, though if anyone is reading this it will just sound a big ball of jumbly crap to them lol, but it gets stuff off my head onto paper, and I need somewhere to express myself more so that's okay. Cryptic.

So yeah Bluesday Tuesday....you didn't bluesday me so have it :p

Oh, the feeling...it's all about the feeling, baby

It really is. I've changed. And so has mine and Wolfie's world. There is no way to describe it, but...it's different now, more fluid, interchangeable. And I feel different. More power, more magic, more feeling and more understanding. Like I said earlier, my brain seems like a time bomb, and when it goes off I don't know what will happen, but it'll be a ride, that's for sure. I've never been educated, or smart, or quick witted, yet, I'm growing. And I feel like I'm feeding my mind and my head and it feels good.

Speaking of feeling good; I had MDMA for the first time in over a year at the weekend. FUCKING HELL it was good. The night before, I resisted drugs at all-I said I wanted to and it was hard, as Wolfie did them and so did my mate, it was so hard saying no to the drugs then and being the only one not doing them, but if I had of not been able to say no to them, then I should have no business doing them at all. But go me coz I resisted. But the MDMA was amazing, it made me remember what it was like to feel on that stuff...and oh, I felt so much.

And I'm feeling so much, alot lately. My feelings and thoughts are coming together, it feels like something is building in there, not something crazy like a couple years ago, but something strong and powerful and freeing. And it's not where I end up that I'm looking forwards to, it's the ride; it's all about the ride, baby.

New Directions....New thoughts

"and then it felt like her brain was a time bomb; ticking, ticking, and there was no telling when it would go off. And she was scared, because now that she was doing this the world, whilst it did seem more vibrant, it was also faster. And the speed and the thought of where she was headed was frightening for her, yet, she was going to enjoy the ride."

So I started college. An access to university one, that will get me "credits" to get into uni. See all this stuff I just don't know about....I'm not equipped to deal with the grown up world, and whilst I'm very fucking excited about going to college, I'm also very scared. The world seems faster, more racier, and I seem...to have something to call my own. But I panic because it all seems so big and overwhelming and like I'm in charge of my brain and I don't know what to do with it properly. University? Me? I wonder how I'll cope.

I started the course not knowing what I wanted to be. Everyone else on the course did know, they had solid definitions and plans of what they wanted to achieve and be. Me? "I don't know what I wanna be, when I grow up. IF I grow up." But between me and Wolfie, with Wolfie's guidance, I've set myself a plan, kinda. I'm going to do this course, do university and become a journalist., Writing. Expressing myself and letting the world know stuff. What stuff I have to show the world I don't know yet, but it's there. Like the start of my post says; my brain is feeling like a time bomb at the minute, ticking, ticking, and who knows when or how or what will happen when it goes off.

Old stuff...

Was looking through my old writings and came across this...written nearly three years ago, and reading it it feels home...like in my mind, and it brings back mewmories of how angry and hurt and torn apart I felt back then...though I think when this was written I was getting over stuff and starting to move on. Will post some poems soon too.

it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone too. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.