Had my first real insights on what people actually think of me this weekend....and I'm shocked actually. I got described stuff like "funny" and "chaotic" and "dark" among other things....See in your own head you never really have a solid vision of what you yourself is like, I guess maybe because no-one really has a personality on their own, they only have a personailty when they are interacting with others, and so I don't really see myself as any one solid thing. I guess if I did think "I wonder how I come across to other people?" which I have done, on a few occasions, I always thought they saw me as a bit annoying, fairly socially-awkward and without social boundaries. It's funny because in "real life" (fucking hate that phrase) I'm really shy until you know me I'll be the most quietest introverted person ever invented, but once you get to know me I change then and end up the opposite-with no qualms and nothing to hide-I don't get subtley or why people need to hide things from each other-I'm me, take me as I am or deal with the bits of me you can deal with and don't stick around for the bits you can't. I've been trying hard, in the past two years, to understand the way I am more, and to understand why other people are the way they are-I feel lonely sometimes, alot, when I see how others interact with each other and there's me all not interacting and being unable to connect with people except on a false level of pretence. Which is why I don't bother-why say something nice to someone if you don't mean it? Why bother having the same mind-numbing idle chit chats with strangers when niether of you could care less about the subject matter? If I have something nice to say-I'll say it. If I have something horrible to say, I'll usually make a token effort at least, to hold back and not say it, unless I feel that familiar anger rising in me and I either get out my feelings or burst trying. Wolfie tries to explain to me why people lie like they do, but I don't get it....the world seems so simple to me in some respects yet when it's full of people it becomes horribly confusing and nothing makes sense and I feel pushed out of the world in which I am in, because my mind just doesn't know how to reason everything logically.
I was a bit "oooh, people really see me like that?!" when they first said it, -I've never thought myself funny or particularly interesting, but I guess I know myself and when you know something so completely it loses some of its interest to an extent, maybe that's it? I get bored of being in my head sometimes, my mind aches to break free and go to a place it knows exists...only I on a conscious level cannot know what this place is, or how to get there. Thing is, when you strip down all the humor and all the confusion I get about myself and strip down all the dizzyness and all the insults and stuff-I'm not funny or dark or chaotic-I'm just a scared lost girl in a massive world which is full of stuff happening and all the noise and all the lights and stimulation makes me unable to think clearly and it fuddles my head up, and I get lost within myself.
In my head I see the world as black or white. Goodies and baddies. Though not absolute goodies or baddies, but relative to the persons perceptions. Like if someone does something in my favour I will see them as a goodie, but for sure there will be someone else out there who sees that person as a baddie, so whilst I get nothing has an absolute and nothing's as it seems...it kinda is, because I take things into my own perception and see them that way and since I am me, I view the world through my own eyes so my world view then becomes black and white and certainty is found where there previously was none.
This is how hard it is being in my head sometimes. Stuff makes so much sense that it stops making sense at all and the lines just get more and more blurred.
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Skank and the Weekend
This weekend was AMAZING! Two nights of debauchery and sleaze and desire and gaming. Okay gaming doesn't esactly fit in with the sleaze and whatnot but still; it was fun. I am Wolfie's "thing" again, (yey), and I will never again doubt him or second guess him. Well I say never, I probably don't mean it. But he showed me this weekend where I stand, and now my head is all clear again....ready to be fucked up once more heh. It was a weekend different to how we originally planned, as his ex, Skank was supposed to come over but didn't, but it was still a weekend that's going on my Good List.
So Skank was supposed to come this weekend but didn't....she was ill apparantly. Skank is Wolfie's ex. He and her lived together before me. Then, they broke up and he got with me. About a year or so ago, Skank was our sub....it was twisted, fun and it felt....good, heh. Then my feelings changed, and it just stopped. I think all three of us kinda felt.....something had changed. A short while back, I got in touch with kank again, and we arranged for her to come over (this past weekend) and....stuff. She seemed eager enough too, said she really wanted to come and it was all planned...but then she got ill. Wolfie messaged her afterwards but no reply...wtf? Never had her pinned as that type.
Thing is, it's weird. Because out of everyone or anything, I honestly believe I can go that little bit further-I just do it....hold on for as long as I need to, push myself, limits? Limits aren't really real, not to me. If I find a self imposed limit I break it down, because I don't want to limit myself; limits are for other people, not for me. Skank is the only girl I've come across that I've thought "shit...I think she has gone further than I could," in respect to D/s and stuff. Coz if I had been in her position...and she had been with Wolfie and I had been her; I highly doubt I'd have been able to submit. I'd have fought, I'd have wished that both their genitals had fallen off; I'd have suggested in am aggressive manner that they shove various objects up their own arses....even if I loved Wolfie; I doubt I could have submitted, and that kinda sticks in me, because damnit I'd go far. Kudos to her for the first time round, when she did used to come and join in the fun and games, and it kinda makes me laugh that this time round...she backed off first. Well, toys come and go...life is a game or a bus or whatever it is and experience; whatever kind of experience, is still an experience.
So Skank was supposed to come this weekend but didn't....she was ill apparantly. Skank is Wolfie's ex. He and her lived together before me. Then, they broke up and he got with me. About a year or so ago, Skank was our sub....it was twisted, fun and it felt....good, heh. Then my feelings changed, and it just stopped. I think all three of us kinda felt.....something had changed. A short while back, I got in touch with kank again, and we arranged for her to come over (this past weekend) and....stuff. She seemed eager enough too, said she really wanted to come and it was all planned...but then she got ill. Wolfie messaged her afterwards but no reply...wtf? Never had her pinned as that type.
Thing is, it's weird. Because out of everyone or anything, I honestly believe I can go that little bit further-I just do it....hold on for as long as I need to, push myself, limits? Limits aren't really real, not to me. If I find a self imposed limit I break it down, because I don't want to limit myself; limits are for other people, not for me. Skank is the only girl I've come across that I've thought "shit...I think she has gone further than I could," in respect to D/s and stuff. Coz if I had been in her position...and she had been with Wolfie and I had been her; I highly doubt I'd have been able to submit. I'd have fought, I'd have wished that both their genitals had fallen off; I'd have suggested in am aggressive manner that they shove various objects up their own arses....even if I loved Wolfie; I doubt I could have submitted, and that kinda sticks in me, because damnit I'd go far. Kudos to her for the first time round, when she did used to come and join in the fun and games, and it kinda makes me laugh that this time round...she backed off first. Well, toys come and go...life is a game or a bus or whatever it is and experience; whatever kind of experience, is still an experience.
Thursday, 21 October 2010
The Wild And Unpredictable Me -vs The Straight Me
Clarity sets in. For so long I have tried to supress my rebellious nature, to not let my full real self out; I've tried to fit in, I've tried to act sleepy and normal and act like I feel the right amount of feelings but; I'm reaching a conclusion. I should stop. Even Wolfie, who supports me in every way, has said in the past I need to calm down a bit, because I'm so full on. Now, recently, like in the past week or two, I've managed to quench myself a little, managed to get a little straighter, a little self control. I've done it by learning -it was hard learning- how to not feel everything I feel. To close my feelings off for a while and to put my guts and soul away, so it doesn't engage in life's feelings, so it doesn't get to feel as much stuff as it used to. And it's made me straighter. People have commented on it. See, maybe this is why I never took part in the world...because in doing so, I lose a bit of me, I have to change a bit of myself, and that bit is an important part in who I am.
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Poems
Some poems I wrote a few years back when I was going through a really tough time.
Stupid Girl
red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up
Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today
there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries
creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts
lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes
daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine
i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today
my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take themm away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned
stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know
******************************************
My Best Friend
My best friend
The one who's always there
The one who sees me in all my pain
The one who mocks me, makes me cringe in shame
My best friend
Holds me tight in a knot
My best friend
Loves me all the same
Twisted thoughts she lets flood my mind
Can't turn my head away, for the thoughts inside
My best friend
What a joke
My best friend
The irony of it all
When I see her face my indsides churn
Love, pure hate, sadness creeping in
I'm stuck with her, for the rest of my days
My sweet self
And she is to me
Everything I hate in me
And she could be
Everything I want to be
My best friend, my worst enemy
You are me
***********************************
Daddy Got A Freebie
Daddy got a freebie
sat on the stairs
mask grrl mask grrl
wear my mask of shame
i hate you
i am you
ill become me now
Daddy got a freebie
he liked it you know
starved for affection
poor daddy had to get his
then i got mine
mould me into you
twist my guts out baby
toughen me up
protect me from the monsters downstairs
she weeps
she cries
she stands
daddy daddy
he got a freebie
a little lost innocence
a little dirty touch
tore a hole in my world
love me daddy
dont let me down
hurt me
grate my guts onto a plate of laughter
my spilled guts
sweep them up
coz daddy had his freebie
hate me im yours to hate
love me im yours to need
daddy got his freebie
pay him back some
give it away
give it away to anyone
daddys freebie aint so special now
Daddy daddy
why'd you lose it all
daddy daddy
i love you still
love you more but cant forget
not this time
rebel turned black now
rebel was the freebie
lost girl innocence
was never innocent anyway
stand alone
press out your memories
never was me
Daddys freebie bloomed
washed away the crap
left standing alone in the dark
a black pixie nymph
and i dont do it for free
daddy taught me how
how to survive
Stupid Girl
red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up
Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today
there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries
creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts
lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes
daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine
i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today
my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take themm away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned
stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know
******************************************
My Best Friend
My best friend
The one who's always there
The one who sees me in all my pain
The one who mocks me, makes me cringe in shame
My best friend
Holds me tight in a knot
My best friend
Loves me all the same
Twisted thoughts she lets flood my mind
Can't turn my head away, for the thoughts inside
My best friend
What a joke
My best friend
The irony of it all
When I see her face my indsides churn
Love, pure hate, sadness creeping in
I'm stuck with her, for the rest of my days
My sweet self
And she is to me
Everything I hate in me
And she could be
Everything I want to be
My best friend, my worst enemy
You are me
***********************************
Daddy Got A Freebie
Daddy got a freebie
sat on the stairs
mask grrl mask grrl
wear my mask of shame
i hate you
i am you
ill become me now
Daddy got a freebie
he liked it you know
starved for affection
poor daddy had to get his
then i got mine
mould me into you
twist my guts out baby
toughen me up
protect me from the monsters downstairs
she weeps
she cries
she stands
daddy daddy
he got a freebie
a little lost innocence
a little dirty touch
tore a hole in my world
love me daddy
dont let me down
hurt me
grate my guts onto a plate of laughter
my spilled guts
sweep them up
coz daddy had his freebie
hate me im yours to hate
love me im yours to need
daddy got his freebie
pay him back some
give it away
give it away to anyone
daddys freebie aint so special now
Daddy daddy
why'd you lose it all
daddy daddy
i love you still
love you more but cant forget
not this time
rebel turned black now
rebel was the freebie
lost girl innocence
was never innocent anyway
stand alone
press out your memories
never was me
Daddys freebie bloomed
washed away the crap
left standing alone in the dark
a black pixie nymph
and i dont do it for free
daddy taught me how
how to survive
Friday, 15 October 2010
The Enemy...
We are not the darkest ones. Here we stand, seemingly alone and for the most part proud, but under the self-inflicted delusion that we are the darkest. That's what the enemy would have us think; paint us as the monsters so that they aren't so.
We like blood. We hunger for violence. We crave desire and feeling and we thirst after those actions which link us to our true primal natures.
Cleverly, maliciously, the enemy has taught us to believe that these desires, urges and feelings are wrong and are something to be avoided or quenched and that to feel these feelings is an indication that something is wrong with us.
And what of the enemy? Surely those in power are right-hence the reason they are in power and we are not? Question authority; it's the way forwards. How did they get to power? Lies, propaganda and riding on others mistakes and misfortune helped. Selling out their core selves and ideals in order to achieve status of power and wealth.
They do it subtley; they make people afraid. They make people angry and they teach people to aim for fame anmd fortune and financial success. When the majority of society is aiming for these purely entrinsic goals the world gets colder, harsher; making it a more suitable playground for those in power to play in. People forget. People stop caring. They start to believe things like it's acceptable to walk over people and they give up their core beliefs in order to better themselves in "the real world". Don't you hate that term; "the real world"? What is the real world? Peception is reality is what I say. The enemy wants people to worship fame, fortune and financial success and wants to make these things important to the mass. If the mass looks up to these entrinsic values, if the mass believes that fame, fortune and money are important then the small minority groups become unimportant. Turkeys voting for christmas.
The enemy tells us that our true natures are wrong, though they don't acknowledge it is our true nature because how can nature be wrong? Rather, they tell us that is is abnormal, something to be feared, hated and locked away.
We are not the darkest ones. I may be violent, blood-thirsty, twisted and hungry, but I'm honest about it and in embracing my nature I satisfy it. Denying our true natures and painting them as something abnormal and sub-human only makes us crave it all the more; look at the mob rules, the gangs of drunken thugs or the rapists and peodophiles that prey on the weak. When we try to supress our natures and put up a pretence of civilised innocence we only manage to quieten our savage natures for a little while...and it leaks out in other areas of our lives. I don't hurt society with my beasts; those in power do enough of that for everyone.
We like blood. We hunger for violence. We crave desire and feeling and we thirst after those actions which link us to our true primal natures.
Cleverly, maliciously, the enemy has taught us to believe that these desires, urges and feelings are wrong and are something to be avoided or quenched and that to feel these feelings is an indication that something is wrong with us.
And what of the enemy? Surely those in power are right-hence the reason they are in power and we are not? Question authority; it's the way forwards. How did they get to power? Lies, propaganda and riding on others mistakes and misfortune helped. Selling out their core selves and ideals in order to achieve status of power and wealth.
They do it subtley; they make people afraid. They make people angry and they teach people to aim for fame anmd fortune and financial success. When the majority of society is aiming for these purely entrinsic goals the world gets colder, harsher; making it a more suitable playground for those in power to play in. People forget. People stop caring. They start to believe things like it's acceptable to walk over people and they give up their core beliefs in order to better themselves in "the real world". Don't you hate that term; "the real world"? What is the real world? Peception is reality is what I say. The enemy wants people to worship fame, fortune and financial success and wants to make these things important to the mass. If the mass looks up to these entrinsic values, if the mass believes that fame, fortune and money are important then the small minority groups become unimportant. Turkeys voting for christmas.
The enemy tells us that our true natures are wrong, though they don't acknowledge it is our true nature because how can nature be wrong? Rather, they tell us that is is abnormal, something to be feared, hated and locked away.
We are not the darkest ones. I may be violent, blood-thirsty, twisted and hungry, but I'm honest about it and in embracing my nature I satisfy it. Denying our true natures and painting them as something abnormal and sub-human only makes us crave it all the more; look at the mob rules, the gangs of drunken thugs or the rapists and peodophiles that prey on the weak. When we try to supress our natures and put up a pretence of civilised innocence we only manage to quieten our savage natures for a little while...and it leaks out in other areas of our lives. I don't hurt society with my beasts; those in power do enough of that for everyone.
Sanctuary
And they shall be my sanctuary, the greats, those who have it, yet realise it is not important. When those who should be on your side turn from you, it is only then that you realise the flip side to being as you are; solitary, in your own mind; not one in there but a hundred or more. That knowledge means you can be alone because it's okay; you're not really alone.
So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.
The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.
What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.
The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.
I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.
So I can write clever sometimes, yet to others I'm willing to bet it looks like a load of gobblygook. That's okay; half of the cleverly written stuff from other people look that way to me too. It's all an illusion. Mine? The santuary is that place I find when I've been hurt; that place in my mind where it all feels a bit unstable and unsteady yet I know it's solid and safe and I can retreat there and let my mind wander and no-one can get in to hurt me further; last night Wolfie called me a freak :( and said I should try to fit in more with the world. Fuck off. Let the world dance to my tune, actually no scrap that I don't wanna be a role model or a leader, I don't wanna be a follower either; but I sure as hell don't wanna be a leader. All that responsibility and power; what an ugly thought.
The greats? The greats I mentioned are people I'm just finding out about; Oscar Wilde...didn't know he was imprisioned for sleeping with men and didn't know he died so horribly and alone; it's sad, we take great people and we persecute them and we drive them to things extreme places, because they don't fit in with our way of thinking. There's an underground movement of people like me; I swear there is. God I bet I sound pretentious now, I'm not, I swear. By people like me I mean people who can't express themselves in the clearest way to the rest of the world, yet; they see. They feel. They ache and hurt and the rebellion is there, if only you look.
What is "it"? "It", as mentioned above is intellectualism and cleverness and that wise open mindedness that fades as you get sensible and bogged down with lifes trivialities. The greats (the greats in my own view) have it; they see, they understand, yet they realise how unimportant it is. I'm not there yet. I don;t fully have it yet, but I'm going to, one day. I do already see though, in an objective way, how unimportant it is. Though it's still important to me on a subjective level because I don't have it...hah like in that Hole song where Courtney sings "I get what I want, but I never want it again..." It's alweays important when you don't have it or it's out of reach. I guess that's desire and ambition for you though.
The flip side as I mentioned, to being alone...is that when you've been alone as much as I have, when you've never had a side to be on, or a place to fit; you create your own. In your head; and it's there whenever you need it. So even when I'm alone now, I'm never really alone because I always have myself there, in my mind, waiting. And there's not just one there, I have a voice in there that suits every opinion; when I was young and a teenager I thought I was mad because of this, but as I got older I realised that it isn't something that defines me as a mental; I'm not a mental, I'm just me. And I like being me these days, I've never been as happy to be myself as what I am right now.
I love Wolfie, I do. His mind is amazing, it is so intellectual and open and spiritual and he teaches me things I never even knew existed. He's a fantastic teacher, the best I've ever learned from. I get frustrated with him yes, but then I remember all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and thought he was wrong and then later on I've grown a bit and realsied "shit, he was right..." so I'm keeping an open mind on stuff and am open to change; I'm never going to follow what he says blindly; that will never ever never be who I am, and I know that my mistrust of this in him is something which frustrates him also. But I cannot apologise for this; it's who I am. However, I am open to changing my beliefs or opinions when I see there is a better way; and with Wolfie a lot of the time, I'm seeing that there is a better way. Usually.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Strength and Individualism
Okay so my rage feels like childish fury, spitting and angry and passionate and hot to touch -scalding- actually.
Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.
Tad brings home homework, about plants uses. And so we're doing about plant uses and I say "what about shamanism and how they use plants to do their "magic" and herbs and stuff?" Which, is valid...it IS a use of plants. Wolfie disagreed. He is into shamanism, he agrees with it, it's his belief system, yet so easily he can disregard it and say to Tad not to write it down...why not? Tad's seven. If we don't be the chanmge in our own worlds, then our own worlds will never change. If we deny what we believe, if we hide it to the kid if we hide it from the world then that's the same as being ashamed of it and the same as saying what we believe is wrong and we should not show it. Bull fucking shit. I'm not afraid to stand up and say "this is what I believe" and I never have been. Even as a kid. I was always the weird one I didn't even fit in with the alternative types because I'm so fucking socially inept and can't even fit in with any one group because I'm not any one thing. I'm a chav, a goth, a greb, a bum, an intellectual, an angry rage-filled violent grrl who wants to destroy and devour, a peace loving tree hugging hippy; I'm everything yet nothing but the one thing I am is loyal. Loyal to myself and loyal to my beliefs. If I give up on what I believe in if I distance myself from it or hide it then I may as well give up the fight. And yes it's lonely and yes it makes me ache from time to time because I don't fit in anywhere but it ain't so bad...I'm strong. Stronger than I can imagine, even, and that's not me being big headed. I want to teach my children to be strong like that also. I want them to know that no matter what, they should stand up for their own beliefs, even against me, even if and when they have different beliefs to mine. I want to teach them to be open minded and to know that what society derives as normal, isn't normal to all. I want to teach them the right levels of questioning and the right levels of acceptance. I'm not the best parent ever but for my kids? I AM the best mother they could ever get. I make mistakes. I fuck up. I shout and swear way too much and I tantrum too. But I say sorry, I move on, I grow from my experiences and THAT'S the important thing, that they see; everyone is human.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Papers, lies and GOSH THEY MAKE ME MAD
Okay so in college we are doing about papers and politics and where they stand. We were asked to bring in the papers that we read...I don't read papers but when I do, I read the Guardian. So I brought it in.
Everyone else on the whole entire class apart from one other lad, brought in either the Daily Mail, The Star or The Sun. I was reading some of the headlines and FUCKING HELL it made me wanna snatch the papers from their hands, rip them up, throw them onto the ground and stamp on them! Seriousl are the only stories these "papers" put out about benefit "scroungers", evil immigrants that wanna destroy our country or celebrity gossip? I mean gosh! If I took the mail, went for a crap then used the mails pages to wipe my arse on afterwards it would be better than the shit they print!
Then I'm sat over from a group of girls who were working together and this right posh stuck up lass is sat there going on about a story in her piece of shit paper about how this family on benefits were wrong to be so and they should get a job etc etc. She was saying about how when she was out of work for four months she didn't even use the benefit system as she used her own savings. What does she want, a fucking medal? She also stated how *everybody* could find a job if they looked, and when the teacher pointed out that there weren't enough jobs especially in the more old industrious areas, she just wouldn't believe her.
Thing is, these papers have all the power. They put out stories infused with poisonous propaganda and they give the general public something to hate or fear. Why? Because hate and fear sells papers, hate and fear also keeps people scared and in their place. Turn peoples attentions to something irrelevant and give them a scapegoat and the real "baddies" and people in power can carry on regardless. No-one qill question their morals or their ethics or what they are doing, because "it's in the good interests of our british nation." Fuck that. Benefit cheats? They make up about 1% of those on benefits. Immigrants? They make up about 5 million of the population; a population whos thotal is over 60 million. So gimme a break. Immigrants, drug users, welfare families...these people are not the enemy. The papers that put out fear and hate campaigns such as The Mail and The Sun and The Star; these are the enemies, they seek to keep us dumbed down and seek to rile us up over trivial matters which are not real concerns rather than to let us focus our attention on more pressing issues that really do hurt us.
The rich get rich and the poor stay poor...that's what the people in power want at the end of the day; afterall, they are the rich. And they sure don't wanna give up their power.
Thing is, if you look at the really real truth; that the papers seek to keep us dumb and to hide the truth from us, there must be a reason why. Why? My guess is because they know that if everyone were to learn the truth and we were all to stand up as one nation, regardless of colour or status or religion, that we would, as one single nation be strong enough to overcome the lies and hypocrisy of those in power and we would achieve freedom and enlightenment as one.
Everyone else on the whole entire class apart from one other lad, brought in either the Daily Mail, The Star or The Sun. I was reading some of the headlines and FUCKING HELL it made me wanna snatch the papers from their hands, rip them up, throw them onto the ground and stamp on them! Seriousl are the only stories these "papers" put out about benefit "scroungers", evil immigrants that wanna destroy our country or celebrity gossip? I mean gosh! If I took the mail, went for a crap then used the mails pages to wipe my arse on afterwards it would be better than the shit they print!
Then I'm sat over from a group of girls who were working together and this right posh stuck up lass is sat there going on about a story in her piece of shit paper about how this family on benefits were wrong to be so and they should get a job etc etc. She was saying about how when she was out of work for four months she didn't even use the benefit system as she used her own savings. What does she want, a fucking medal? She also stated how *everybody* could find a job if they looked, and when the teacher pointed out that there weren't enough jobs especially in the more old industrious areas, she just wouldn't believe her.
Thing is, these papers have all the power. They put out stories infused with poisonous propaganda and they give the general public something to hate or fear. Why? Because hate and fear sells papers, hate and fear also keeps people scared and in their place. Turn peoples attentions to something irrelevant and give them a scapegoat and the real "baddies" and people in power can carry on regardless. No-one qill question their morals or their ethics or what they are doing, because "it's in the good interests of our british nation." Fuck that. Benefit cheats? They make up about 1% of those on benefits. Immigrants? They make up about 5 million of the population; a population whos thotal is over 60 million. So gimme a break. Immigrants, drug users, welfare families...these people are not the enemy. The papers that put out fear and hate campaigns such as The Mail and The Sun and The Star; these are the enemies, they seek to keep us dumbed down and seek to rile us up over trivial matters which are not real concerns rather than to let us focus our attention on more pressing issues that really do hurt us.
The rich get rich and the poor stay poor...that's what the people in power want at the end of the day; afterall, they are the rich. And they sure don't wanna give up their power.
Thing is, if you look at the really real truth; that the papers seek to keep us dumb and to hide the truth from us, there must be a reason why. Why? My guess is because they know that if everyone were to learn the truth and we were all to stand up as one nation, regardless of colour or status or religion, that we would, as one single nation be strong enough to overcome the lies and hypocrisy of those in power and we would achieve freedom and enlightenment as one.
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Bluesday Tuesday; POW!
Okay so after taking mandy at the weekend, today was "Bluesday Tuesday" a term Wolfie used to describe the emotional comedown you get 2 days after having MDMA before you manage to replenish your serotonin levels.
It wasn't that bad. Went to college listening to Leonard Cohen and Hole...Cohen soothed me actually, but Hole mad me sad. I read alot today too. And I even wrote on the bus, though it sounded kinda crazy when I read it back to myself, I'll post it on here when I get chance, probably. Muddled.
I have been horrible tonight though, thoroughly bratty (can I be bratty anymore, now I'm not his like that?) and bad tempered and grouchy and aggressive. Though he got me in my place in a way I felt and loved heh.
Got a very interesting couple of weekends coming up too, an alone weekend this time round, which is something we've not had for ages and ages, then the one after, well, I got me skank ("a friend") coming, which should be fun, in ways I can't or won't go into on here for now *grins*. I used to feel different about this, the first time...now I've changed and I'm more enlightened into myself these days, than before....and I see things differently. And I feel different. And also on a seperate note I'm a lot more confident in my abilities nowadays, though if anyone is reading this it will just sound a big ball of jumbly crap to them lol, but it gets stuff off my head onto paper, and I need somewhere to express myself more so that's okay. Cryptic.
So yeah Bluesday Tuesday....you didn't bluesday me so have it :p
It wasn't that bad. Went to college listening to Leonard Cohen and Hole...Cohen soothed me actually, but Hole mad me sad. I read alot today too. And I even wrote on the bus, though it sounded kinda crazy when I read it back to myself, I'll post it on here when I get chance, probably. Muddled.
I have been horrible tonight though, thoroughly bratty (can I be bratty anymore, now I'm not his like that?) and bad tempered and grouchy and aggressive. Though he got me in my place in a way I felt and loved heh.
Got a very interesting couple of weekends coming up too, an alone weekend this time round, which is something we've not had for ages and ages, then the one after, well, I got me skank ("a friend") coming, which should be fun, in ways I can't or won't go into on here for now *grins*. I used to feel different about this, the first time...now I've changed and I'm more enlightened into myself these days, than before....and I see things differently. And I feel different. And also on a seperate note I'm a lot more confident in my abilities nowadays, though if anyone is reading this it will just sound a big ball of jumbly crap to them lol, but it gets stuff off my head onto paper, and I need somewhere to express myself more so that's okay. Cryptic.
So yeah Bluesday Tuesday....you didn't bluesday me so have it :p
Monday, 11 October 2010
Oh, the feeling...it's all about the feeling, baby
It really is. I've changed. And so has mine and Wolfie's world. There is no way to describe it, but...it's different now, more fluid, interchangeable. And I feel different. More power, more magic, more feeling and more understanding. Like I said earlier, my brain seems like a time bomb, and when it goes off I don't know what will happen, but it'll be a ride, that's for sure. I've never been educated, or smart, or quick witted, yet, I'm growing. And I feel like I'm feeding my mind and my head and it feels good.
Speaking of feeling good; I had MDMA for the first time in over a year at the weekend. FUCKING HELL it was good. The night before, I resisted drugs at all-I said I wanted to and it was hard, as Wolfie did them and so did my mate, it was so hard saying no to the drugs then and being the only one not doing them, but if I had of not been able to say no to them, then I should have no business doing them at all. But go me coz I resisted. But the MDMA was amazing, it made me remember what it was like to feel on that stuff...and oh, I felt so much.
And I'm feeling so much, alot lately. My feelings and thoughts are coming together, it feels like something is building in there, not something crazy like a couple years ago, but something strong and powerful and freeing. And it's not where I end up that I'm looking forwards to, it's the ride; it's all about the ride, baby.
Speaking of feeling good; I had MDMA for the first time in over a year at the weekend. FUCKING HELL it was good. The night before, I resisted drugs at all-I said I wanted to and it was hard, as Wolfie did them and so did my mate, it was so hard saying no to the drugs then and being the only one not doing them, but if I had of not been able to say no to them, then I should have no business doing them at all. But go me coz I resisted. But the MDMA was amazing, it made me remember what it was like to feel on that stuff...and oh, I felt so much.
And I'm feeling so much, alot lately. My feelings and thoughts are coming together, it feels like something is building in there, not something crazy like a couple years ago, but something strong and powerful and freeing. And it's not where I end up that I'm looking forwards to, it's the ride; it's all about the ride, baby.
New Directions....New thoughts
"and then it felt like her brain was a time bomb; ticking, ticking, and there was no telling when it would go off. And she was scared, because now that she was doing this the world, whilst it did seem more vibrant, it was also faster. And the speed and the thought of where she was headed was frightening for her, yet, she was going to enjoy the ride."
So I started college. An access to university one, that will get me "credits" to get into uni. See all this stuff I just don't know about....I'm not equipped to deal with the grown up world, and whilst I'm very fucking excited about going to college, I'm also very scared. The world seems faster, more racier, and I seem...to have something to call my own. But I panic because it all seems so big and overwhelming and like I'm in charge of my brain and I don't know what to do with it properly. University? Me? I wonder how I'll cope.
I started the course not knowing what I wanted to be. Everyone else on the course did know, they had solid definitions and plans of what they wanted to achieve and be. Me? "I don't know what I wanna be, when I grow up. IF I grow up." But between me and Wolfie, with Wolfie's guidance, I've set myself a plan, kinda. I'm going to do this course, do university and become a journalist., Writing. Expressing myself and letting the world know stuff. What stuff I have to show the world I don't know yet, but it's there. Like the start of my post says; my brain is feeling like a time bomb at the minute, ticking, ticking, and who knows when or how or what will happen when it goes off.
So I started college. An access to university one, that will get me "credits" to get into uni. See all this stuff I just don't know about....I'm not equipped to deal with the grown up world, and whilst I'm very fucking excited about going to college, I'm also very scared. The world seems faster, more racier, and I seem...to have something to call my own. But I panic because it all seems so big and overwhelming and like I'm in charge of my brain and I don't know what to do with it properly. University? Me? I wonder how I'll cope.
I started the course not knowing what I wanted to be. Everyone else on the course did know, they had solid definitions and plans of what they wanted to achieve and be. Me? "I don't know what I wanna be, when I grow up. IF I grow up." But between me and Wolfie, with Wolfie's guidance, I've set myself a plan, kinda. I'm going to do this course, do university and become a journalist., Writing. Expressing myself and letting the world know stuff. What stuff I have to show the world I don't know yet, but it's there. Like the start of my post says; my brain is feeling like a time bomb at the minute, ticking, ticking, and who knows when or how or what will happen when it goes off.
Friday, 1 October 2010
Old stuff...
Was looking through my old writings and came across this...written nearly three years ago, and reading it it feels home...like in my mind, and it brings back mewmories of how angry and hurt and torn apart I felt back then...though I think when this was written I was getting over stuff and starting to move on. Will post some poems soon too.
it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone too. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.
it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone too. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
new address
http://fayths-world.livejournal.com/
decided, after seeing how messy this blog is, to start a brand spanking new one. ^^^ that's the address for it up there. :)
decided, after seeing how messy this blog is, to start a brand spanking new one. ^^^ that's the address for it up there. :)
Back :)
Okay so going to start keepinmg a blog again. This one is kinda messy, what with all the reposted posts, but...so what lol. I'll keep it tidyer starting from....now.
Having Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with Wolfie, and it's working well actually. I've started to face some of my past in a way I never did before. More on that later though.
And anger! Actually dealing with my anger properly now, so hopefully I'm turning into a less psycho-angry person.
Right that's it for this, coz I just woke up.
Bleh.
Having Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with Wolfie, and it's working well actually. I've started to face some of my past in a way I never did before. More on that later though.
And anger! Actually dealing with my anger properly now, so hopefully I'm turning into a less psycho-angry person.
Right that's it for this, coz I just woke up.
Bleh.
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Intellectualism.....and all that clever stuff
Wow check me out, setting out to write a post on summit other than myself haha...and on something clever too! Impressed? Yeah me too :p
So me and Wolfie had a really REALLY good night last night, we really reconnected and things, and had a good long chat about....random things like politics and the world and society and how everyone in power is all corrupt and ebil and stuff. I've never been interested in politics before. Let them get on with their silly little games of follow my leader, I wasn't interested, because well...I didn't (and still don't) believe in following theie rules, I was born a free person and that's how I wanna stay, thanks :)
HOWEVER....yeah there's an however. Wheras in the past I thought "fuck it, I don't want any part in it all"...now I see that the only chance you have really if you want to try andc change the way it's done, is to do it from the inside. And not just shout about how stupid it all is, and offer no alternative to the problem. You gotta get in there, play their game and beat them at it, and when trying to change people's opinions on your caue, offer up an alternative to whatevdr it is you are protesting about, because otherwise most people won't change, as they won't know how to. Most people follow.
And the government....they use issues like imigrants and benefit fraud and recycyling and any other stupid small issue, and they make out like it's a big thing, they make the public scared of groups of people, make them believe that they have to be wary and have to rely on the government to keep them safe....and it's all bullshit!! They focus our attention on stuff that is irrelevant, to keep our attention away from the real issues...like how they are full of shit and are all corrupted and power crazed.
In reference to above paragraph about...example...benefit fraud costs the government £12.6 million a year by the goverments own estimate, the war on iraq cost £1 billion a DAY....identity cards (we don't need more goverment interference thanks)...cost is about £5 billion for that project hmmm. Trident Nuclear Submarines...£75 billion for five of them....Kinda puts it all into perspective doesn't it. Worrying about benefit fraud is kinda like worrying about someone short changing you by 10p whilst someone else is burning your house to the ground.
The media does it too. Papers like the Daily Mail and The Sun etc.....they choose what bits of information to print. And they choose the bits that best fit their own agendas. Make the publicn scared and weak and dependent, and who will there be to question you? Print an article or seventy, about how drugs are bad bad evil bad, everytime there is a drug related death, splash it across the front page and well....drugs become the enemy. They don't mention that electric blankets cause more deaths in the UK every year than Exctasy does, no because tht's not part of their agenda. People who use drugs in a healthy respectful way have their minds opened....they cxan think and feel and see the whole world so much more clearer, and when you open your mind to everything, you will evetually see the truth...and the government and people in power don't want that. So comes the war on drugs.
It's hidden. In the language, in the messages that get sent out to people, sub concious messages that most people don't pick up on. We're told what to think, what to eat or not eat, what clothes to wear, we're trained as kids to focus on working hard, doing your best, reach the targets, don't fail don't fail don;t fail....trained to become good little workers ready for adult hood.
Give me a break! Down with school, I say. Down with the goverment telling us to be afraid, treating us like we're all stupid and that we can't see what they are doing....it's all just fucked up. And me, I only just started to see all this in recent years, before that, I thought I was enlightened but,....I wasn't. I was part of the system, brainwashed into thinking I had free thought and no power. Well, I do have power, actually. I have power over myself and my choices and I can help spread the word and help empower more people to know the truth. Money might equal power, but....people standing together to say no to bullshit and propaganda is also a powerful tool.
Okay there my clever post done. :P Yeah I don't use big fancy terms and stuff because well...at end of day I still am uneducated haha, though far from thick. I think. ;)
So me and Wolfie had a really REALLY good night last night, we really reconnected and things, and had a good long chat about....random things like politics and the world and society and how everyone in power is all corrupt and ebil and stuff. I've never been interested in politics before. Let them get on with their silly little games of follow my leader, I wasn't interested, because well...I didn't (and still don't) believe in following theie rules, I was born a free person and that's how I wanna stay, thanks :)
HOWEVER....yeah there's an however. Wheras in the past I thought "fuck it, I don't want any part in it all"...now I see that the only chance you have really if you want to try andc change the way it's done, is to do it from the inside. And not just shout about how stupid it all is, and offer no alternative to the problem. You gotta get in there, play their game and beat them at it, and when trying to change people's opinions on your caue, offer up an alternative to whatevdr it is you are protesting about, because otherwise most people won't change, as they won't know how to. Most people follow.
And the government....they use issues like imigrants and benefit fraud and recycyling and any other stupid small issue, and they make out like it's a big thing, they make the public scared of groups of people, make them believe that they have to be wary and have to rely on the government to keep them safe....and it's all bullshit!! They focus our attention on stuff that is irrelevant, to keep our attention away from the real issues...like how they are full of shit and are all corrupted and power crazed.
In reference to above paragraph about...example...benefit fraud costs the government £12.6 million a year by the goverments own estimate, the war on iraq cost £1 billion a DAY....identity cards (we don't need more goverment interference thanks)...cost is about £5 billion for that project hmmm. Trident Nuclear Submarines...£75 billion for five of them....Kinda puts it all into perspective doesn't it. Worrying about benefit fraud is kinda like worrying about someone short changing you by 10p whilst someone else is burning your house to the ground.
The media does it too. Papers like the Daily Mail and The Sun etc.....they choose what bits of information to print. And they choose the bits that best fit their own agendas. Make the publicn scared and weak and dependent, and who will there be to question you? Print an article or seventy, about how drugs are bad bad evil bad, everytime there is a drug related death, splash it across the front page and well....drugs become the enemy. They don't mention that electric blankets cause more deaths in the UK every year than Exctasy does, no because tht's not part of their agenda. People who use drugs in a healthy respectful way have their minds opened....they cxan think and feel and see the whole world so much more clearer, and when you open your mind to everything, you will evetually see the truth...and the government and people in power don't want that. So comes the war on drugs.
It's hidden. In the language, in the messages that get sent out to people, sub concious messages that most people don't pick up on. We're told what to think, what to eat or not eat, what clothes to wear, we're trained as kids to focus on working hard, doing your best, reach the targets, don't fail don't fail don;t fail....trained to become good little workers ready for adult hood.
Give me a break! Down with school, I say. Down with the goverment telling us to be afraid, treating us like we're all stupid and that we can't see what they are doing....it's all just fucked up. And me, I only just started to see all this in recent years, before that, I thought I was enlightened but,....I wasn't. I was part of the system, brainwashed into thinking I had free thought and no power. Well, I do have power, actually. I have power over myself and my choices and I can help spread the word and help empower more people to know the truth. Money might equal power, but....people standing together to say no to bullshit and propaganda is also a powerful tool.
Okay there my clever post done. :P Yeah I don't use big fancy terms and stuff because well...at end of day I still am uneducated haha, though far from thick. I think. ;)
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Delicious Memories
Okay start the blog again then! Will upload previous posts as I go along....as and when I can be arsed :) Though todays post I shall post now....here it is....wait for it.....NOW!
Delicious Memories :) Pt 1
Do drugs work? They can do, if you have the rigth attitude. For me,it's hard. I have a highly HIGHLY addictive personality, and I always want more. The first time I took a drug; MDMA. It was E. Four of them. It was amazing. A feeling like no other. My whole mind opened up, my senses intensified. I could see, feel, smell, hear, taste and experience...everything, so much more. The world was brighter, everything more vivid, everything alive and awake. I've chased that feeling ever since. What intensified the whole experience even more for me was the fact I shared it with Wolfie. I had never met him before. (okay this was originally a drugs post but now it's gonna be an I-met-Wolfie post). He was big. He was bad. I was little. I was shy. I was, essentially, a good girl. He was tall, dark, very good looking with dark eyes and a shaved head. I knew he liked nasty degrading sex. I knew he liked drugs. I had tried niether. He was like a gateway, an invitation into an exciting, dangerous new world. Desire is entrapment. That's what he had said. And I REALLY desired him. He was older than me, and better educated. I remember him stepping off the coach- my legs were shaking I was so meep and nervous. We went for coffee. He wore all black. And a long black trench coat. He drank coffee, a grown ups drink, whilst I had tea. I was quiet, shy, he had me under his spell. We walked to the bus stop. He had a bag with him. It made me nervous because I knew he had things in there, to use on me, to do to me. BDSM like. I's never done anything like that before. Though I craved it badly. At the bus stop we laughed about how shy I was, how nervous he made me. Then, he kissed me. Wowza.
At home, we chatted and stuff, as it got nearer to night time Wolfie took out the E. He had said he was bringing some. I had never touched drugs up til then. Hell I didn't even drink. I was a vegan hippy good-girl; shy nieve, yet hungry- starving- for this.
He took his E and placed mine on the table. Three small white pills to start. The time was here now: did I take them and step into "that" world, or not?
Of course I took them. I was scared- I had a big bad stranger in my house, he had already told me (via text messages online) he wanted to do bad things to me. Bad things I would like. He had brought drugs. He had brought whips. He had brought hunger and desire and all sorts of exciting feelings I had never felt before.
The drugs took about half an hour to work. In the meantime, he suggested I go "get changed" and "show him what I had bought for him". I had bought a revealing black lacy basquette thing and fishnets. Sexy clothes were not something I was used to. Niether was make up. Niether was having my body looked at in a sexual way. I came back down, wearing it. Gosh I felt small and exposed. He smiled, a kind of confident hungry predatory smile as I came in. Looking me up and down approvingly. I had nevger felt so self concious before, Ever. I felt tiny next to him-he was 6ft3 and I was 5ft1 and probably weighed about 8stone, a little heavier than I am now. I had long dark hair, and had never thought of myself as pretty before, I was always a tom boy really. But right then I felt pretty.
The E started to kick in. All of a sudden colours were brighter and there was a rush of life and awakening going on in my head. I kind of forgot how to form coherent sentences then. For a bit. Wolfie was great. He stood close to me, his strong arms holding me gently, his voice calm and low and steady.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.
That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.
Delicious Memories :) Pt 1
Do drugs work? They can do, if you have the rigth attitude. For me,it's hard. I have a highly HIGHLY addictive personality, and I always want more. The first time I took a drug; MDMA. It was E. Four of them. It was amazing. A feeling like no other. My whole mind opened up, my senses intensified. I could see, feel, smell, hear, taste and experience...everything, so much more. The world was brighter, everything more vivid, everything alive and awake. I've chased that feeling ever since. What intensified the whole experience even more for me was the fact I shared it with Wolfie. I had never met him before. (okay this was originally a drugs post but now it's gonna be an I-met-Wolfie post). He was big. He was bad. I was little. I was shy. I was, essentially, a good girl. He was tall, dark, very good looking with dark eyes and a shaved head. I knew he liked nasty degrading sex. I knew he liked drugs. I had tried niether. He was like a gateway, an invitation into an exciting, dangerous new world. Desire is entrapment. That's what he had said. And I REALLY desired him. He was older than me, and better educated. I remember him stepping off the coach- my legs were shaking I was so meep and nervous. We went for coffee. He wore all black. And a long black trench coat. He drank coffee, a grown ups drink, whilst I had tea. I was quiet, shy, he had me under his spell. We walked to the bus stop. He had a bag with him. It made me nervous because I knew he had things in there, to use on me, to do to me. BDSM like. I's never done anything like that before. Though I craved it badly. At the bus stop we laughed about how shy I was, how nervous he made me. Then, he kissed me. Wowza.
At home, we chatted and stuff, as it got nearer to night time Wolfie took out the E. He had said he was bringing some. I had never touched drugs up til then. Hell I didn't even drink. I was a vegan hippy good-girl; shy nieve, yet hungry- starving- for this.
He took his E and placed mine on the table. Three small white pills to start. The time was here now: did I take them and step into "that" world, or not?
Of course I took them. I was scared- I had a big bad stranger in my house, he had already told me (via text messages online) he wanted to do bad things to me. Bad things I would like. He had brought drugs. He had brought whips. He had brought hunger and desire and all sorts of exciting feelings I had never felt before.
The drugs took about half an hour to work. In the meantime, he suggested I go "get changed" and "show him what I had bought for him". I had bought a revealing black lacy basquette thing and fishnets. Sexy clothes were not something I was used to. Niether was make up. Niether was having my body looked at in a sexual way. I came back down, wearing it. Gosh I felt small and exposed. He smiled, a kind of confident hungry predatory smile as I came in. Looking me up and down approvingly. I had nevger felt so self concious before, Ever. I felt tiny next to him-he was 6ft3 and I was 5ft1 and probably weighed about 8stone, a little heavier than I am now. I had long dark hair, and had never thought of myself as pretty before, I was always a tom boy really. But right then I felt pretty.
The E started to kick in. All of a sudden colours were brighter and there was a rush of life and awakening going on in my head. I kind of forgot how to form coherent sentences then. For a bit. Wolfie was great. He stood close to me, his strong arms holding me gently, his voice calm and low and steady.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.
That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.
More past posts....
Monday, 20 July 2009
Conflicted...
Feeling really fucked up lately. Not sure what I want, well, I do, but...I want everything and nothing. Really conflicted...I want everything, every drug, every feeling, every experience, good or bad is irrelevant, it's all about getting it. And then, I want nothing. I want to be left alone to just sleep and not wake up...I need life, yet I need something else. I'm so fucking tired of being here, of having to feel or having to carry on. Fuck me I sound like a pretentious goth wannabee now don't I? I'm not, really.
Listening to Hole at the minute, Courtney Loves' music is one of the few things in this world that can touch me deep inside and make me feel...but when I feel I just feel hurt. Everything comes up and bubbles up, yet...I can't turn away because the pain is like...a horrible addiction, but without anything to gain. Or maybe I am gaining something from it and not knowing it, who knows.
I'm so hungry for everything. Hungry for life and hungry for stuff I haven't yet even tasted and starving for something real that I can touch and feel and hold onto.
I never fit in. Not with the trendy people, not with the weirdos either. That's not me being pretentiously mysterious. I just...don't belong anywhere. I don't think the way others do, or maybe I do but...I don't act like them. I like bands like Limp Bizkit and Hole and Nirvana and PJ Harvey yet I don't fit in mainstream OR alternatively. I hate myself more and more everyday yet I'm my only true friend, the only one I can properly trust myself to rely on, even though I have a guy I love so much and everything, I just feel stuck in myself yet completely and totally not in myself at all.
Meh.
Posted by Fayth at 8:42 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Wedding...
So Ceno booked the wedding, and surprised me with it. And I was very surprised by it...He texted me during the day about a month ago and said "want a surprise?" It is booked for October 31st this year, at first I was like "okay well then it HAS to be a fancy dress wedding" I just thought it would be so cool if our families came all dressed up.
Now though, fine it can be a normal wedding. I don't feel normal. I don't feel anything except...I don't know. I'm just a bit umph.
We are going to Vegas for the honeymoon, it sounds very cool and I have never been to America before.
Sorry I sound all bleh...just having one of them days though I'm sure I'll perk up laters..going camping this weekend which should be fun :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:07 AM 3 comments
Labels: wedding
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Long time no write...
Hey
Been so long since I last wrote...things just get in the way you know? I feel the urge to write, but...I don't...writing would mean I have to think and look inside myself and I don't know that I have it in me anymore...or, maybe I do, since I'm writing this now. Just so much to say, so many feelings and emotions and questions....that they just don't come out.
My dad goes to court in June...the police are pressing the charges I brought against him...the charges the police made are child abuse and neglect from 1985 til 1997 and indecent assault...I don't know how I feel about this. Everything, I feel everything I could abnout this. Except, glee, or joy. I don't believe in justice, it's just a prettier word for revenge...but do I want revenge against him? After everything he did to me, my brother and my mam, after all the times I remember being so scared, so angry, so frustrated? Terrifed, when he was drunk, when he was angry, when he was violent and nasty. After when he kissed me inapprpriately, touched me when he shouldn't have, hit my mam, domineered us all, hated us all...I don't feel like I do want or need revenge now. When I was a kid I hated him at times, really hated him. But he was my dad, I also loved him, he was the most important man in my life. And even now, after like, almost two years of not seeing him I miss him. It hurts to think about him, I feel a sense of loss. I don't miss feeling anxious everytime I was around him, I don't miss feeling like I had to act a certain way, or feeling like I had to be ready to jump up and fight him...but I miss him. And now I'm terrified not of him, but of what could happen to him. Prison, having his life destroyed...or worse what if he commits suicide? I don't know how I will deal, I don't know how I will live with myself, but I had to speak up....it was what had to be done, however much I hate it. I love my dad, I do. And I'll always miss him, always feel like a piece of me isn't there, because I don't have him. But I also realise that he was abusive, nasty, aggressive, domineering and the way he acted towards us and the things he did were wrong.
So that's one of the things on my mind. The other is...I don't know. I'm yearning for something, someone. I want a friend. I want to travel, to get out, to see the world, to grow and develop as a person, to meet people-yes meet people, even though I hate people and hate being around people. I am angry, I am defiant, I have a HUGE problem with authority and authority figures, I'm lonely, I'm depressed yet also happy and hungry for life, I'm an introvert, yet I can love attention. I want to be at the centre of the world and feel all the energy from all the different places and people. I want to feel alive. I want to go to the gym everyday...I have started going to the gym and I have to say, after I go there and I'm walking out after a good two hour session, I feel amazing! It's a natural high-ranks up there with taking E for the first few times. A different sort of high but...it feels good! I want to spend time with my kids, doing stuff with them...they make me smile so much and give me a sense of purpose. They are amazing, the things they come out with, the wacky weird things they say or create...the way they learn, the way they soak up the world around them is just, amazing. I want to go to music gigs, hippy festivals, raves, film festivals, seedy nightclubs...I want to do and see and feel everything. I want to learn, and grow. Change. I want to...just be.
Posted by Fayth at 7:53 PM 3 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Monday, 2 March 2009
Emotions, or lack of
Writing this I don't even know what to call it. Is it a letter, telling somebody my
thoughts? Is it a dairy entry, a way of talking about my thoughts and issues, without having anybody there to listen? Is it going on my blog so it is open to the rest of the world? I don't know...I just know that I don't write often anymore, but right now, in this moment, I need to.This whole world calls to me...I'm different, not in a good way, not in a bad way. Just different. I watch people going about their lives, how they interact with others, I watch with disinterest, I watch because I don't understand them, I watch because...what else can I do? My whole life I've felt like an outsider...do others feel this way? Do the masses watch from the sidelines, never fitting in, never feeling like they belong? Or is it the
select few maybe, feeling alone and lost in this busy and noisy world? Do they watch from the sidelines or maybe they fake it, take part with the rest of them,
put on their masks and pretend like everything's cool? What does it mean? I feel so much emotion-or I used to. Recently I find myself watching from afar..find myself feeling less and less real emotion, though I pretend otherwise, because I feel I shouldn't appear cold or disinterested or like I don't care when I do, I do care very much. I used to feel so excited about the prospect of life and the future. As I get older I find myself becoming something I never thought I'd be; cynical. I used to care about issues, about beliefs, about my morality. I used to look to the future and feel excited about it, wonder what it would be like, like when you have a really good book and you wonder how it will end. How will it end? It's becoming less and less important to me, how it will end. I used to feel anger, I used to feel happy, I used to feel worry-I used to feel anything except this coldness that I feel now. Sometimes I wish for bad things to happen just so I have something to do, to focus on, to try to catch my interest. I'm not the girl I used to be, I don't know how it has happened, but it has.
Yet at the same time, I'm growing. Changing. I feel it, I'm growing up a little, I used to be childish. I used to be forced to be mature and responsible, to take care of others. Now, I'm starting to take care of myself. I'm learning more and more each day, only the more I learn, the darker it feels, colder, less hope for humanity and less hope for me. Though knowledge is needed, I'm starving for it. I had a conversation huge three and a half hour conversation the other night, with Adrian, and it was one of the best conversations I've had for a long time. All about physics and particles and the mysteries of the universe. I need more conversations like that. It fascinated me.
I can grab hold of some feelings when I listen to music, angry defiant, never-give-up music. Or soft peaceful, soothing music. Music evokes emotion, so it's nice to see I do still have some.
Wow this has been all about me...I'm not that into myself, honest.
Posted by Fayth at 2:34 PM 1 comments
Labels: myself
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Is it ever enough?
So I dont have any subs anymore...my Master said that partly because of how I've been acting, and partly for other reasons, I'm no longer allowed to play with others alone...only with people whom we play with together. I dont like this new rule lol, but...I can see why he has made it.
I'm confused to fuck about my dominant side...my Master says I definately have one..and he's usually right, but...well I dunno. I know I have a sadistic side, it's that childish glee that I get when I hurt someone, knowing that they are taking pain or humiliation, just for my amusement and pleasure. But I still don't have any urge or desire to have control over someone else. Maybe I'm not really about the whole yes miss no miss thing..i can't think of anything less appealing in D/s than an obedient sub who never answers back or pushes the limits...maybe
that's why i play up so much.
Which brings me back to my submissive side...WHY is it so fucking hard for me to back down?! I keep screwing things up purely coz when i think I'm right, I just can't back down. And even sometimes when it isn't about being right or wrong. Sometimes this thing inside me just has to keep pushing, even if he threatens me with something I hate, or am scared of...Ijust have to keep going, it's like in that moment the consequences don't matter. It's horrible, I wish I could just be a meeker, less defiant slave sometimes. Bah.
The way my head works...there's no such thing as too much, or even enough. Even if I overcome one thing that frightens me or whatever, I can't just allow myself to be happy and content in the moment that I owned my fears ass, I straight away move on and look for the next thing. I can't just revel in the moment. In a year I've gone from being a bi-curious vanilla girl in a vanilla relationship to being the thing I am today...hungry for everyone, hungry for everything, and playing and living by the extremes. When will it ever stop? Will I ever be content and say "that's enough"? Will I ever want to? Because to me the whole point of living is to experience things...doesn't matter if those experiences are good or bad, what matters is that you have them...and if I were to suddenly become content, where would my motivation to try new things be?
So I guess I'll continue down this dark and twisted path...carry on with the extremes, keep on pushing myself further and further, regardless of the consequences. And hope that one day, I can sleep. :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:17 AM 4 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Monday, 7 July 2008
Just Stuff...
Well it's been ages since i last wrote anything...i dunno, i mean ive had stuff i wanted to write-i'll have very complex thoughts in my head and stuff and i'll basically have the conversation/debate in my head, and get it all figured out and by then i'll think to myself "well i've had the thoughts now, so why do i need to write it down/have this conversation for real when i've already taken what i needed from it in my head?" It's a complicated task, being me lol.
Anyways, I will definately try to male an effort to write again, especially in the next week as the kids are going away to Wales with their dad for the week, so i get a whole week of hardcore fun and drugs, so hopefully I'll have lots of philisophical stuff to yabber about lol.
Right gotta go drink tea and wake up a bit-laters :)
Posted by Fayth at 7:49 AM 1 comments
Labels: misc
Saturday, 14 June 2008
a zen koan
Ikkyu, the Zen master, was very clever even as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Ikkyu happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Ikkyu asked: "Why do people have to die?"
"This is natural," explained the older man. "Everything has to die and has just so long to live."
Ikkyu, producing the shattered cup, added: "It was time for your cup to die."
Posted by Fayth at 9:45 PM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
A good day
Yo :) Don't know if anyone still reads this blog or not, but i wanted to write some stuff down, because it's been on my mind and stuff after today, and ive had quite a productive day actually, started off feeling a little down but managed to pull myself out of it and now i feel great. i have been skipping my weekly councelling sessions recently, because after i first went there i felt really awkward and didn't know 1. what was expected of me, 2. what the aims of councelling were and 3. i couldnt understand how it would help-i go through stuff in my mind so much, i analyze stuff and work stuff out and keep my mind fairly active in all this, so i didnt understand if there would be a point in the councelling where the councellor would say summit and "ping!" im suddenly healed and all is groovy again.
But anyways i went and i told my councellor all this, and she said there isnt really an aim to councelling...and before this session i thought it was a waste of time me going there because she couldnt tell me anything new and id already gone over stuff in my head constantly. But now after todays session i can kinda half see that it isnt summit she will say or do, it's all about purely just talking about it. and i didnt even think about what to talk about, i just talked and random stuff about my dad and childhood came out-stuff i wouldnt have thought about talking about-memories, but mostly we talked about the way i felt towards him and myself i think. and one question which has always bugged me is "was it really as bad as people make out?" and i always thought that no it wasnt, and people over reacted to my childhood, and that it wasnt that bad, because i coped, and because it was normal to me. and when i told my councellor this she said the question i should ask myself when i think this is "did it feel bad at the time?" and yes, it did. i hated feeling constantly anxious and aggressive-i realised that i was aggressive towards my dad alot of the time, and i hated that horrible stomach churny feeling where you are dreading the moment he is gonna walk in, and you hope he just falls straight to sleep on the floor or summit. my homelife-my dads anger and violence, the pain and tears and aches-they were the centre of my childhood, and it was so normal to me, and i always believed i grew up in a loving home, despite all that happened around me. now i feel a little weird-like im no longer part of it-its dark and past and gone and i stand up tall now and strong. though there is a dark part in me which hurts and screams and cries and is fucked up. But anyways, yup today was a groovy day, heh i even on the spur of the moment took the kids out-and we (all four of us) went paddling after school. So life is looking good :)
Posted by Fayth at 9:52 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself, past
Monday, 9 June 2008
Random thoughts
I really need to get back into the habit of writing. Actually, since Ive gotten the net back ive been feeling quite bored on it-it doesnt seem to appeal to me anymore, not really sure why. been playing anarchy online a bit, i like that game :) oh and learning the fun of roleplaying too! i like roleplaying-it allows you to live in a world of make believe, if only for a little while. it's fun, if a lil geeky.
Anyways, i have got stuff to say, and i will write more, it's just finding the motivation to retype it all onto the computer from paper.
oh before i go-i learnt how to play pierce myself and others, hehe i had a great play session with a yummy girly and my Master, heh was an interrogation scene, was muchos fun, and i give full credit to both of them-they make really scary interogators!
laters :)
Posted by Fayth at 10:41 AM 0 comments
Labels: misc
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Revenge And Justice
And I'm back yey :)
Okay so here's summit I written when I didnt have the net...i havent read back over it yet and yes i was high so it probably doesnt make much sense but anyways here it is...
Because i dont have the net atm i cant even post this to my blog, so i guess what im writing here really is just for myself eeep kinda scary, just me alone...in my mind...with my thoughts.
Okay so first thing i want to say is how my Master gets off on the whole punishment thing, as in, when ive really pissed him off he will punish me for it when we play, and it will make him feel better (? i think?) i soooooo do NOT like the whole punishment thing, in fact id go as far as to say it turns me off almost, makes me feel like not playing or being sexual at all, hmmm interesting to figure out why, one thing i do know for certain is in general, i do NOT believe in punishment, i believe in? revenge, in rehabilitation, in pay back, and in discipline....but i cant (yet?) believe in either punishment or even in justice, the reason why i cant (yet?) believe in justice is because there is no justice other than what you make for yourself...ie through revenge...because say someone hurt you and fucked you up or did you wrong in some way, surely its better to have personal revenge on them, rather than letting them become just another statistic in prison I kinda have to believe that id get much more satisfaction if i werent civilised or law abiding when it comes to revenge or “justice” (justice being the “civilised” oppressed and self denying persons pretty word for revenge). And, yes whilst that may be a little morally wrong, well revenge isnt about sticking to what's good and right. Revenge is simply hate and anger and cold white emotion, it's when you feel so full of hate and injustice and (ok this is a too mild word to use but hey i aint good with expressing myself so i guess its better to express myself mildly and blandly, than not at all right?) indignant that nothing good or positive can ever make it right, the only way to make it right again is to inflict pain and misery and torment upon that which has wronged you...and we're all aware (i think? I hope??) that whilst we're taking revenge it is morally wrong, it isnt nice and fluffy, and it isnt playing fair or by the rules...but THAT'S why it works so well and helps us to get over that which has fucked us up. And people cant admit this to themselves, because oh no that might make them slightly less civilised, tame...so they dress it up and give it a pretty new name....”justice”, and they hide behind the facade of “the law” and let the system eat the wrong doers up, and they pretend that justice has been served and that everyone's equal now....but because this is all just lies, they are lying to themselves and they DONT feel better for letting the law “take care of it” for them, it starts to eat them up inside and rot them, and they become bitter and angry and hurtful and abusive themselves, then they panic and think “shit im a bad person for feeling like this” so they shut down all feeling and emotion and passion for fear of themselves becoming something a little less than nice and civilised, because in their fucked up mind surely it's better to feel nothing and act pleasant to the world, than feel something for themselves, some sort of sinful passion that lets them feel truly alive. Surely it's better to turn the hate inside onto themselves than let it loose onto the outside world? Haha Bull. Shit. That's bullshit! Life is purely.....a perspective. And at the end of the day the only person you have to justify anything to is yourself. And so, selfish as it seems, it IS all groovy to hurt and inflict pain onto something or someone, if it makes you feel better. If they have wronged you, then they are basically saying “hurt me back, take the gloves off and HURT ME BACK BITCH”. And yes it may eat you up inside a little, inflicting pain upon that person...but after all if they have wronged you first then that's like giving up all their rights to not be hurt and avenged back.
Posted by Fayth at 5:55 PM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Still Alive :p
Just a quick post (im in the library at the minute, to let people know im still alive and kicking, havent been online because i havent had the net booooo. but getting it back soon so dont panic im not gone for good :p
had loads of thoughts and stuff,and i have written about some of them, but they are saved on my computer at home so cant post them atm :(
Longer posts soon, laters.
Posted by Fayth at 9:52 AM 2 comments
Labels: misc
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Digging out
I did something silly lately...about a week ago i thought i didnt need my anti D's/sedatives anymore, and i stopped taking them. Gah i hate being reliant on anything else. But in the past couple days ive realised that actually i should take them, because i can feel a difference, i just feel more out of control and a lot more grey and down, so oh well i guess ill tak the silly tablets for longer then. It pisses me off though coz we've just got hold of some Yaga (spelling?) which is a shamanic rainforest drug, used for vision quests and it's really quite potent, so i wanted to try it with Ceno and do a vision quest, but it's to dangerous to mix this stuff with the pills im on. So the vision quest will have to wait. Oh well, patience is a virtue right?
Posted by Fayth at 7:02 AM 1 comments
Labels: drugs, misc, wedding
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Dissecting my submission
My Masters post kinda got me thinking bout this. Where do my masochistic needs and urges come from? What about my submissiveness? It's all so complicated and hard to figure out but i think i got it cracked...just about. I reckon my masochism comes from a very dark place. When my dad would start on my mam or whatever and i could sense a fight or tension coming, i would often play up, i never knew why until recently, but now looking back i can pinpoint the whys of it. By being angry and arguementative myself, i could divert the focus away from my mam or brother or whatever it was causing my dad to go on a mental and turn it to me. He would get this look in his eye, this sneering look which made me even madder hehe, as it would anyone i think. I cant say he hasnt hit me in the past, but i can say that everytime i have directly challenged him he has backed down. I dont know why. But he knew that i also have a stubborn streak in me and that i dont back down-and i think he knew back then that had he carried on and gotten into a huge fight with me that he would have really fucked me up and ended up in serious trouble, or regretting it. Maybe. Anyways back to my point-i think this is part of where it comes from-i saw fights with my dad as a challenge, it was a weird and twisted kind of rush, that hah i fucking beat him, he backed down. and if it did come to physical blows....well yes it hurt, physical pain does kinda hurt lol, that's the point of it; but i can only imagine what my dad thought when i came right back for more and still didnt back down. im not trying to come off like a big tough person or whatever, coz i aint heh. I shamefully admit that many times when i knew he would be coming home drunk and angry i tried to make sure i was fast asleep so i didnt have to be in the middle of it-and im ashamed of this, but can admit to it. I think alot of masochistic urges can come from parts of our pasts-things we have experienced, habits we have picked up...with me it's part "look at me im tough i can take it" part challenge (i LOVE being challenged it's my favourite thing ever lol) and part of me just likes the pain coz it interests me...seeing how it feels, the sensations, different types of pain, and our responses to it.
So submission then. Why am i submissive? I mean it's weirded me out a little recently, seeing just how submissive i fel towards Ceno...it's a lil unnerving heh. I genuinely feel panicky and upset-deeply upset when i upset him or disappoint him. It's like something comes over me and all i can think of is making it all better again. Im scared im not a good sub (never mind slave!) for him, and i so want to be.
I dont act like alot of other subs act-they seem to be so respectful, and "together" within themselves. And im not. I have full complete respect for Ceno...but i have it because i believe he deserves it, he has earned it, i dont respect him "just because he is my Dom". And i do argue back way too much-alot of the time if i feel overly emotional i cant ignore these needs and i need them sorted out there and then. Which is a bad habit i know, and one i am trying to deal with.
Anyways back to the question-why am i submissive? This is even harder than the masochist question, but i think it's because i genuinely like to feel owned. It makes me feel safe and secure, which is even weirder since ive never been one for security, in fact usually i run from it hehe. But i think with Ceno ive found a place where i can fit and sit and watch the world whilst having lots of depraved dark fun and i dont feel a freak for the stuff i like. Submitting to Ceno fufils something dark and hungry in me, and the more i give, the more i want to give. It's fun, seeing just how far i will go...like a twisted little game of cat and mouse between the two of us though now i feel more on his side (as the cat) and the rest of the world including the nice side of me...is the mouse.
Posted by Fayth at 9:47 PM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Wolfs Shadow
My Masters blog
the above link leads to my Masters blog...so just thought i'd drop it in here so people can have a glance :) It aint as cool as my blog mind, but then not many are :p (okay okay im KIDDING!)
Posted by Fayth at 7:13 PM 0 comments
Labels: misc
Monday, 28 April 2008
My dark secret...
Okay so my head's about to pop. It's a very long story, but i guess i should explain a little bit if this post is to make any sort of sense. Basically my dad was an alcoholic abusive, violent man, and he would drink alot and then come home drunk to my mam, me and my younger brother. He would get angry over stupid things, and start fighting. He wou;d smash things, beat my mam and be generally abusive and violent and down right aggresive towards all three of us. He especially seemed to hate me, because i had a bit of a mouth on me when he got angry-i always felt like i had to stand up for my mam and brother because my mam wasnt strong enough to and my brother was younger than me. Anyway shit happens, as it does and there were a couple of times when i was 14 when he raped me, and touched me up. I was a young minded 14 year old and didnt know how to handle this. In fact it's been in this past year that i have handled all of my past, and faced what happened to me. So as the story goes, i turned 16 and left home. Eventually my mam left my dad and remarried, and my dad got a girlfriend. Who has two kids-an 8 year old and a 14 year old. He is violent to them. Abusive, drunk and violent. He uses emotional manipulation against them, like he did with me and my mam and brother. He has fucked my brother up, fucked my mam up and fucked me up...though ive managed to break free from his hold and am healing, thanks to Ceno. Anyway this family-i was worried about the kids living with him, because of the past and stuff, and because i know what he does to the poor kids. So i phoned child protection. They got back to me today saying that they were really glad i had come forwards and stuff and they were quite concerned about this family and they were already in contact with them and stuff, and they have regular contact with the mother. They want me to go forwards and tell the police and press charges against my dad, for raping me. They say it will help with his girlfriend, and her kids...basically she keeps going back to him and the kids really dont want him there. Im so unsure about all this. i want to do the right thing-i know when i was a kid, i wished almost everyday for someone to help us out of the situation-i begged my mam to leave him practically, but she never did...she just couldnt do it alone. So for that reason i want to go to the police and tell them, and sort it out...not for revenge, not to punish him, but to simply stand up and say "no i wont let you hurt another innocent". but then there are complications...i DONT feel angry towards my dad. my councellor says this was my coping mechanism when i was little-i can feel angry towards him for what he has done to my mam and brother, but when it comes to me...i just cant feel angry. i can forgive him for it. I dont excuse it-what he did was terribly wrong, but i can see why he acts the way he does...though i do understand everyone is responsible for their own actions. My dad was an expert at manipulation. He had a knack for making us all feel sorry for him, like he was the victim. He would get drunk, come home, beat my mam and then come and wake me and my brother and cry to us, saying how we all hated him and by the time morning came he would be gone and we'd never see him again. So im well aware now, that part of the reason i feel pity for him and am reluctant to hurt him is because of the way he has wormed his way into my head with his pathetic attempts at emotional blackmail. But it's still hard. Also if i go to the police it's just all gonna blow up and ill have to face repercussions-my brother is close with my dad and is on his side so much so that he refuses to believe he raped me, and has said that even if he did do it, i should still have him in my life because it "onlyhappened the once". i just wish i could make my past disappear. I'm struggling with dealing with the fact im part of my dad, that im connected to him in any way. i hate the fact he is connected to my past-i wish i could get out of this head fuck. Anyways, that's for now...i have just over 24 hours until social services phone me back to find out if im going to the police or not. Argh what's a girl to do?!
Posted by Fayth at 7:39 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself, past
Sunday, 27 April 2008
A rant
Okay so summit that has been on my mind for the past couple days is understanding the way people work, as in with mind games. I think we ALL play mind games, whether it's on a concious or a sub concious level. Recently I've had someone trying to play mind games with me, in what i would say is a pretty clever and calculated way. The first time this person played mind games with me, they almost won, in fact ifell for it at first and it was only after it was pointed out to me by about 5 different people some of whom know this person, some of whom had never met her before. Then i was able to sit back and analyze it all from a more objective point of view and see what was happening...usually emotion kinda overtakes me and i become unable to think of anything but what i am feeling at that exact time. Once i saw what was happening, i stopped letting it get to me, i learned how to deal with it, and things got better; and i no longer had the person who was fucking with my head in my life. Recently i had contact with her again however, and once again, she tried getting inside my head. She was angry that things had fucked up so bad between us and that she thought she was somehow being punished for the way things had turned out. Hmmm not likely. I have no time for people who hide behind lies and think they are above everyone else, when really, they are no better OR worse...they just simply are. Anyways, this time when she tried her games i was ready, and simply showed no response...sometimes no response is the best response.
This girl thinks that she is better than me, and that she can wrap me round her little finger and that im just some angry irrational half-psycho who doesnt see things. Well, i do see things. I see lots of things, and no-one, not even some self absorbed, head in the clouds, whining pathetic girl will make me stay down. Just a piece of advice :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:03 PM 4 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Saturday, 26 April 2008
The Creation
Once there was a girl, and she was comfortable and she loved and was loved. She was numb to life, pushed and pulled in others directions, wandering meaninglessly through life, desperately screaming inside for more. And then the Wolf came. And saw. See, Want, Take. It was his way. And he played a dangerous game and took the girl and enchanted her with his words and lust. She desired him, she desired the dark he showed her. Before him, she was a lost child trying to find her way. He turned her into something better. Hungry, Desirable, Primal. He killed the girl and all her false hopes. He turned the gril into his little whore. He too what he wanted and moulded it into me. He showed her a world full of desire and shadows and drugs and magic. Clean before him, stained only with her own confusions and the dark shadows of her past, he covered her in blood and got her addicted to the dark, to him. J'Adore la Wolfie. He showed her the real enemy, he showed her the real truth. She was his quickening, and he was her god. She was hungry for everything, nothing was ever enough for her. And he could always give more, he took the lead and she followed eagerly. And the corruption that he played with tasted so sweet.
I love you Master
Posted by Fayth at 10:32 AM 1 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Stuff
Had alot on my mind recently...stuff's been happening and I've overcome a lot of hurdles in my head too, which can only be a good thing right? So prepare for this post to be fairly muddled....which will definately make a change from the usual structured and sensible posts ;)
Self Control
Okay had a wake up about this. I have no self control. For me it's way too easy to follow my emotions, especially in the heat of the moment. Part of this is because of the way i see life...i see life AS emotion, so to me it's very important that we indulge in those emotions that we feel, as denying them is to deny ourselves right? Another reason why i have no self control is because of misplaced anger...i cant feel angry at my dad for the past, therefore i block it out yet the anger grows and grows and explodes in all directions, instead of focusing it in the right place. This i am working on. The last reason is, i think, because i grew up seeing raw anger and seeing my dad having hardly any self control over his emotions. Though weirdly up until, um, last night lol, i always thought my dad was a fairly self controled person, but now i see he just bottled it up and he did what i do now to an extent, where he would feel angry (in his case the anger he felt was towards himself) but because he couldnt face it he would instead get angry at everything else and bottle it up but when he had had a drink his false self control would slip and his anger would come out.
Ceno was talking to me about self control last night and when i said that i thought my dad had self control he pointed out that self control is not doing something that you know will make you lose control. In my dads case drinking alcohol. Ceno pointed out that if my dad had any real self control then he would have avoided alcohol because he knew it made him lose his self control, therefore my dad is not a very self controled person, because he knew what he was like after having a drink and how much he hurt us all yet he still went and drank anyways. This helps alot, and yes it should have been obvious for me to see myself but well, i couldnt...when it comes to my family i do need things pointing out at times.
Other Stuff
Hmmm other stuff...well, lots have happened...just been enjoying each day as it comes really, and im learning to let things go. Ive also really learned how to be rational now, okay well MORE rational...
when i feel angry or upset or like im going to a bad place ive learned how to stop, step outside myself and think rationally....like Naz said to me when she came up the other week, that it's not that you are dismissing the way you feel, you are just simply putting things on hold and if you still feel the same in a couple days then deal with it then, that way you dont lose yourself in the heat of the moment. I still need a lot of practice on this but i definately am getting there.
So i dont have a sub anymore...i LIKE being in the mindset of a domme, i LIKE being patronising-okay i LOVE being patronising, and i found it fun...but im worried, because (again, thanks to Naz) that when i do get the control, i havent a clue what to do with it...in fact it's so much so that i feel like i should be doing things to the sub that THEY want me to do, which would be totally pointless and make it all fall apart anyways. So i really need to learn what to do with the power when i do get it and all will be groovy.
Found out my dad is probably going to prison in June. I dont know how i feel about this. I guess im glad, because at least them he wont be able to hurt anyone else and also it may help him by helping him face a few facts. I have a letter i wrote to him, but i dont know if i should send it to him, there's stuff in there he doesnt want to face.
Well thats it for now :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:40 PM 0 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Stupid Girl (a poem)
red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up
Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today
there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries
creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts
lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes
daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine
i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today
my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take them away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned
stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know
Posted by Fayth at 7:05 AM 0 comments
Labels: misc, myself, poems
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Time
People come and go, their lives change, they themselves change...all passing through this vast energy line of feelings and emotions and volcanic eruption. I miss my past. I miss who I was, where I was. But as much as I miss it, I realise that I can never go back...this cycle doesn't go backwards, just forwards, with time plodding slowly but mechanically on and on. Sometimes I feel like I could stand in the centre of it all and scream, a loud shrill painful scream, making the noise to make it stop, to let me off, to stop dragging me with time, but the rules apply to me too, there is no getting off, no stopping the ride, choice there. I must go forwards, and with each passing second, it takes me closer to my destiny, my fate, my death.
Posted by Fayth at 6:33 AM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
More past ramblings...
Find it quite hard to post new philosophical posts on here unless im high...so thought today id post another piece that i wrote a while ago...(im not crazy im not crazy im NOT crazy!!!)
it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone to. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.
Posted by Fayth at 6:28 AM 0 comments
Labels: myself, philosophy
Monday, 21 April 2008
One groovy-assed weekend
Okay so I'm ready to write a little about my weekend now. Wasn't going to but decided I don't really care who reads this-I had a really good time and well, I'd like to write about it so I can remember it really vividly. (Though tbh it wasn't the type of time that i would forget easily anyways)
So I met someone this weekend, a new friend I made. She is ACE! Seriously so laid back and chilled and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could be my own dirty little self around her because usually I hide certain parts of myself to most other people because I don't know, most people wouldn't understand.
We had a weekend of heavy playing, which involved lots of blood and blade play hehe, ouch my poor body aches so much...okay okay i'm not sorry it aches heh, i quite like it :p
Looking forwards to seeing her again, and hopefully meeting her boyfriend next time too-though it was pretty intense having two dom/mes on me this time, so i can only imagine what it's like to have three at once hehe. Maybe next time I'll resist more, i always get off on a good struggle, though as N pointed out I wouldn't have a fucking clue what to do if i actually did win hehe.
She is also really good to chat to, and we had a lot of very interesting conversations, i even managed to get a better understanding of where my masochistic urges may come from, let's just say it's not from a place full of bunnies and rainbows and sparkles. Heh.
So thanks N for a really good time this weekend, both me and Ceno enjoyed it lots and it's always good to make a new friend. :)
Posted by Fayth at 3:56 AM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, misc
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Growing
Yes, I'm still alive :) Not been around for a couple days because well, because I've been busy with other things heh, which I won't really go into here.
So I've finally conquered my mental block of irrationality. Yey! Uusally I'm a really irrational person, alot of my actions are based on emotions and how i feel right there, in the heat of the moment. I've tried so hard in the past to get rationality, and to have it for myself, but up until now I've never actually achieved it. Ceno has tried desperately to explain how to have self control and how to be rational, hell, my ex strawb's tried too in the past to explain these seemingly simple concepts to me. I guess it's one of those things where you learn it when you are ready. Well, I reckon I'm ready! I have it now! I'm not gonna go into details or anything, so I know that means there aint much point me writing this in my blog but well so what it's my damn blog and I'll write whatever rambled jumbled up nonsense I want! Let's just say I managed to step outside my irrational snappy anger and realise that I had no reason to be snappy and that if I need help then I should just ask, rather than expect people to be a mind reader...
So yes, I've learned a lot this past weekend...it's been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, and I made a new friend :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:35 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself
Friday, 18 April 2008
My enlightenment
(can you tell im in a really philosophical mood today?)...this was written last july by me, about the time i really started opening up my mind and seeing the world differently. i think ive come a long way since then, but it's interesting to see how i thought when it all first started...
its so clear now. im writing this because maybe by writing things down i can try to understand them, or at the very least remember them, if i should ever forget and try to bury it all again. its a struggle. but people-the ones you see going off to buy new stuff that they dont need-cars, shoes, tvs-they shut themselves off from it all. so they never have to deal with the real struggle-the biggest struggle one will ever have to face is themselves. im facing myself right now and fuck its hard. i think on some level i think im losing my mind, but, deep down i know-i remind myself-that THEY want me to believe that. because people who try to become enlightened like me scare them. they grind us down and sedate us with their antidepressants and their medication-they see how our minds are growing and expanding and they coin some medical term for it-"oooh you're feeling bad are you? you're DEPRESSED! here, have some of these tablets, they'll soon have you feeling sedated and normal again!" and so, some of these on-their-way-to-enlightenment people take these pills and their minds get crushed down again. they try to lead us to believe that because we are feeling like this that there is something wrong with us, that we need treatment. they use fancy phrases like "pyschosis" to describe us-FUCK THEM. they arent having my mind, not now, not ever. i see right through them-all their little scams to try and keep us down,keep us dumb,keep us below them. because if we knew the truth about the world,about how it REALLY works, then all the big business suits and corporate arseholes would FALL. if we, as humans, should look up to anyone on this planet,then give the credit to people who really deserve it. music bands who give us the truth in their music-angry music, calming music, intense music, music with a beat, whatever. or to poets, who write great pieces of literature. look at the fighters of the world-fighting oppression, fighting in justice,fighting for the rights of all living creatures-no better,no worse, just different. or look to the great thinkers of the world-the ones who question everything and see the truth. dont fucking idolise the idiots who make lots of money and never question anything-money is a screen-its not real. its their game-their game because they make the rules of it as they go along, so they always come out on top. you dont need stuff. your perception IS your reality. it really is. and yes its scary-so scary,when it finally hits you and you open your eyes and look around-its well fucking scary-but its a good thing. youve got the whole world to explore-expand your mind, don't take anything-ANYTHING-at face value-always question it, always look to try and refute it, always keep looking for another angle. even stuff you believe in-hell, i WANT my beliefs to be challenged. that way,if i come out of it with the same beliefs,(which i doubt i will) i know they are good strong solid beliefs. and this is so new to me. i can see the world for how it is-zombies-most of us are zombies and we walk around wishing we had this or could do that and we worship false gods and make role models and heroes out of idiots just because they are famous for the sake of being famous. and from that we get insecurities about our bodies-that we are too fat, too thin, and it's never enough for us. fuck that. im glad to be me-with all my insecurities and blemishes and fucked-up-edness. i like being me. id rather be me than be anyone else in the world. and when you let people see that you have freed your mind and that you stand liberated from the death-grip of this hellish society, theyll mock you, or tell you that you're ill, or that you need help. no, THEY fucking need help. we're the free ones. we're the ones who, even though we may be a little afraid, we're not too afraid to step out into the great unknown and open ourselves up to the REAL world. no good, no bad, just different. just energy. one energy, flowing through the planet. it belongs to us all, and we are all one.
and yes i panic that "omg! they're gonna realise the way i think and look it up in their lil textbooks! and-GASP!-then they'll know! they'll know and they'll come for me and try to grind me down again!" well fucking let them come. im not afraid. i'm not alone anymore. i've found what im looking for and im not letting go-ill go where it takes me ill grow and see the world. and the suits can rot.
to know something is to know that you will never know enough about it
Posted by Fayth at 9:30 AM 2 comments
Labels: myself, philosophy
When I'm high...
Was reading through some of my old stuff this morning, that ive written mostly when ive been high on pills. this is a bit i wrote back in january, but reading it i can feel warm inside knowing ive felt all this, and that if i look hard enough i can feel it again. it sounds kinda nutty i agree when i write about not believing any of this is real, but when you read it try to forget everything else you think you know about our existence and read it with an open mind. Would love to know what others views are on this subject, this is the one thing that has me hooked on opening up my mind more...
its impossible to know until you've been there and tried it for yourself. and every inch of my body right now is itching and screaming to create create create. to get dirt on my hands and make something beautiful. to wrench out my guts and stuff them back in again just so i've made something new. and instead ill sit here and write crap that when i'm not high ill think wtf yet the drugs...something in them opens your mind and damn i cant stay away, cant stay away and give up my right to creation and freedom and mind freeing diving digging screwing. and the words and colours and touch is in me, and they are itching begging hurling to come out yet i just dont have that kind of knowledge yet, i'm getting there and iim on the right track but still i have to be patient and wait and watch and learn and grow. and the right way is there, waiting for us all to reach out and touch it and i feel like i've finally saw it and its beautiful and haunting and scary and colourful and once i step there my mind is gonna be blown away and my whole perception of what this -THIS- all is is gonna change and know and ill see. and i see, in my mind, right now...i see, i see the world how it is...it isn't a physical thing, thats only what our minds tell us so that we have a way of perceiving it and understanding it better. there's beautiful ebs of energy and its yellow and a brilliant green, and it's twirling and making prettyness everywhere and it's like nothing else you could ever see or even begin to imagine. like blobs of coloured oil merging with a grey watery pit and the colours all melt into one, and thats what we are...thats our energies and our essence and we all move and swim and feel and breath, only it's not our physical bodies that make us enchanting, it's our minds. and i don't know why we are here, all i know is that we are and we have forgotten and that the fact we were supposed to forget is what was supposed to happen an so its ok...no need to feel fear, because its the design, the plan....and we need to learn how to remember, only, i am now...im remembering and i feel how i float in a coloured dream and everything's vivid and untouchable and yet, you can touch it and feel it, only you don't feel with your skin you feel it inside, in your gut, and its a free yet safe and amazing feeling, like, you are one and connected and you don't have a seperate body or mind or thought, you just are one...with the universe, and you can feel what the universe feels, and it does, feel. yet...we are here. our minds tell us that we are here, and i don't exactly know why, but its a struggle and a hunt and it seems that i can stop the struggle and the hunt, i just have to disbelieve my reality and my perceptions and understand that in knowing nothing is the first step and the closet we will ever probably come to knowing everything.
and it intrigues me and i want to know, what it all looks like, i mean, us...our energies and souls and our world and everything, i want to know how it looks, from a long way away. it is small, yet, big. it's nothing as it's all in our minds, we created it all, yet...it is everything. it's our whole world and more...only we can change it, because it's all in our minds and we can choose to shut our minds and only see what we think we see and know, or we can open our minds and remember and see and know and feel the connection and the other side. hicks never said it better than when he said we are the imagination of ourselves....this whole world...earth...its just a game, a big complicated game that we have invented to keep our impossibly complex minds amused. but i want to see more now...i don't want to be trapped here, only seeing what i tell myself i see anymore. i want to let my mind explore.
and yes, if a person not on drugs read this, they'd almost certainly think that it was a stereotypical writing/sight/train of thought of a person on drugs and it was just the drugs and the fact i'm not completely in control of my mind right now. but drugs help you to let go and rid yourself of the chained up grey solid perceptions and help you to open up and see the real true truth. and the drugs seem to do something else, too. they carve out your creativity, they force you to want to create and destroy and tear down and build something new. they force you to want to get messy and smear your art up your arms and fuck up and write and hurt and smash everything just to see how it all falls down, because it's beautiful like that. and the guys who let their creativity out when on drugs and they create great pieces of inspiration and just raw beauty and angst....and then they kill themselves...they don't die, they just let go. and the truth and the knowledge can sometimes fuck you up so much, that THAT is why they do it, that is why they end their time on this earth...maybe once they've done it they realise that "wow, i didn't die...im still here and wow, now my energies are free and floating and i can see and merge now" and they probably deserve it, because if theres one thing this world needs at all, if theres one thing this race needs....it's real raw art. the kind that drags you in, where you can feel so much pain and angst and anger and peace and love...and acceptance...all at the same time.
Posted by Fayth at 8:56 AM 3 comments
Labels: drugs, philosophy
Conflicted...
Feeling really fucked up lately. Not sure what I want, well, I do, but...I want everything and nothing. Really conflicted...I want everything, every drug, every feeling, every experience, good or bad is irrelevant, it's all about getting it. And then, I want nothing. I want to be left alone to just sleep and not wake up...I need life, yet I need something else. I'm so fucking tired of being here, of having to feel or having to carry on. Fuck me I sound like a pretentious goth wannabee now don't I? I'm not, really.
Listening to Hole at the minute, Courtney Loves' music is one of the few things in this world that can touch me deep inside and make me feel...but when I feel I just feel hurt. Everything comes up and bubbles up, yet...I can't turn away because the pain is like...a horrible addiction, but without anything to gain. Or maybe I am gaining something from it and not knowing it, who knows.
I'm so hungry for everything. Hungry for life and hungry for stuff I haven't yet even tasted and starving for something real that I can touch and feel and hold onto.
I never fit in. Not with the trendy people, not with the weirdos either. That's not me being pretentiously mysterious. I just...don't belong anywhere. I don't think the way others do, or maybe I do but...I don't act like them. I like bands like Limp Bizkit and Hole and Nirvana and PJ Harvey yet I don't fit in mainstream OR alternatively. I hate myself more and more everyday yet I'm my only true friend, the only one I can properly trust myself to rely on, even though I have a guy I love so much and everything, I just feel stuck in myself yet completely and totally not in myself at all.
Meh.
Posted by Fayth at 8:42 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Wedding...
So Ceno booked the wedding, and surprised me with it. And I was very surprised by it...He texted me during the day about a month ago and said "want a surprise?" It is booked for October 31st this year, at first I was like "okay well then it HAS to be a fancy dress wedding" I just thought it would be so cool if our families came all dressed up.
Now though, fine it can be a normal wedding. I don't feel normal. I don't feel anything except...I don't know. I'm just a bit umph.
We are going to Vegas for the honeymoon, it sounds very cool and I have never been to America before.
Sorry I sound all bleh...just having one of them days though I'm sure I'll perk up laters..going camping this weekend which should be fun :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:07 AM 3 comments
Labels: wedding
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Long time no write...
Hey
Been so long since I last wrote...things just get in the way you know? I feel the urge to write, but...I don't...writing would mean I have to think and look inside myself and I don't know that I have it in me anymore...or, maybe I do, since I'm writing this now. Just so much to say, so many feelings and emotions and questions....that they just don't come out.
My dad goes to court in June...the police are pressing the charges I brought against him...the charges the police made are child abuse and neglect from 1985 til 1997 and indecent assault...I don't know how I feel about this. Everything, I feel everything I could abnout this. Except, glee, or joy. I don't believe in justice, it's just a prettier word for revenge...but do I want revenge against him? After everything he did to me, my brother and my mam, after all the times I remember being so scared, so angry, so frustrated? Terrifed, when he was drunk, when he was angry, when he was violent and nasty. After when he kissed me inapprpriately, touched me when he shouldn't have, hit my mam, domineered us all, hated us all...I don't feel like I do want or need revenge now. When I was a kid I hated him at times, really hated him. But he was my dad, I also loved him, he was the most important man in my life. And even now, after like, almost two years of not seeing him I miss him. It hurts to think about him, I feel a sense of loss. I don't miss feeling anxious everytime I was around him, I don't miss feeling like I had to act a certain way, or feeling like I had to be ready to jump up and fight him...but I miss him. And now I'm terrified not of him, but of what could happen to him. Prison, having his life destroyed...or worse what if he commits suicide? I don't know how I will deal, I don't know how I will live with myself, but I had to speak up....it was what had to be done, however much I hate it. I love my dad, I do. And I'll always miss him, always feel like a piece of me isn't there, because I don't have him. But I also realise that he was abusive, nasty, aggressive, domineering and the way he acted towards us and the things he did were wrong.
So that's one of the things on my mind. The other is...I don't know. I'm yearning for something, someone. I want a friend. I want to travel, to get out, to see the world, to grow and develop as a person, to meet people-yes meet people, even though I hate people and hate being around people. I am angry, I am defiant, I have a HUGE problem with authority and authority figures, I'm lonely, I'm depressed yet also happy and hungry for life, I'm an introvert, yet I can love attention. I want to be at the centre of the world and feel all the energy from all the different places and people. I want to feel alive. I want to go to the gym everyday...I have started going to the gym and I have to say, after I go there and I'm walking out after a good two hour session, I feel amazing! It's a natural high-ranks up there with taking E for the first few times. A different sort of high but...it feels good! I want to spend time with my kids, doing stuff with them...they make me smile so much and give me a sense of purpose. They are amazing, the things they come out with, the wacky weird things they say or create...the way they learn, the way they soak up the world around them is just, amazing. I want to go to music gigs, hippy festivals, raves, film festivals, seedy nightclubs...I want to do and see and feel everything. I want to learn, and grow. Change. I want to...just be.
Posted by Fayth at 7:53 PM 3 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Monday, 2 March 2009
Emotions, or lack of
Writing this I don't even know what to call it. Is it a letter, telling somebody my
thoughts? Is it a dairy entry, a way of talking about my thoughts and issues, without having anybody there to listen? Is it going on my blog so it is open to the rest of the world? I don't know...I just know that I don't write often anymore, but right now, in this moment, I need to.This whole world calls to me...I'm different, not in a good way, not in a bad way. Just different. I watch people going about their lives, how they interact with others, I watch with disinterest, I watch because I don't understand them, I watch because...what else can I do? My whole life I've felt like an outsider...do others feel this way? Do the masses watch from the sidelines, never fitting in, never feeling like they belong? Or is it the
select few maybe, feeling alone and lost in this busy and noisy world? Do they watch from the sidelines or maybe they fake it, take part with the rest of them,
put on their masks and pretend like everything's cool? What does it mean? I feel so much emotion-or I used to. Recently I find myself watching from afar..find myself feeling less and less real emotion, though I pretend otherwise, because I feel I shouldn't appear cold or disinterested or like I don't care when I do, I do care very much. I used to feel so excited about the prospect of life and the future. As I get older I find myself becoming something I never thought I'd be; cynical. I used to care about issues, about beliefs, about my morality. I used to look to the future and feel excited about it, wonder what it would be like, like when you have a really good book and you wonder how it will end. How will it end? It's becoming less and less important to me, how it will end. I used to feel anger, I used to feel happy, I used to feel worry-I used to feel anything except this coldness that I feel now. Sometimes I wish for bad things to happen just so I have something to do, to focus on, to try to catch my interest. I'm not the girl I used to be, I don't know how it has happened, but it has.
Yet at the same time, I'm growing. Changing. I feel it, I'm growing up a little, I used to be childish. I used to be forced to be mature and responsible, to take care of others. Now, I'm starting to take care of myself. I'm learning more and more each day, only the more I learn, the darker it feels, colder, less hope for humanity and less hope for me. Though knowledge is needed, I'm starving for it. I had a conversation huge three and a half hour conversation the other night, with Adrian, and it was one of the best conversations I've had for a long time. All about physics and particles and the mysteries of the universe. I need more conversations like that. It fascinated me.
I can grab hold of some feelings when I listen to music, angry defiant, never-give-up music. Or soft peaceful, soothing music. Music evokes emotion, so it's nice to see I do still have some.
Wow this has been all about me...I'm not that into myself, honest.
Posted by Fayth at 2:34 PM 1 comments
Labels: myself
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Is it ever enough?
So I dont have any subs anymore...my Master said that partly because of how I've been acting, and partly for other reasons, I'm no longer allowed to play with others alone...only with people whom we play with together. I dont like this new rule lol, but...I can see why he has made it.
I'm confused to fuck about my dominant side...my Master says I definately have one..and he's usually right, but...well I dunno. I know I have a sadistic side, it's that childish glee that I get when I hurt someone, knowing that they are taking pain or humiliation, just for my amusement and pleasure. But I still don't have any urge or desire to have control over someone else. Maybe I'm not really about the whole yes miss no miss thing..i can't think of anything less appealing in D/s than an obedient sub who never answers back or pushes the limits...maybe
that's why i play up so much.
Which brings me back to my submissive side...WHY is it so fucking hard for me to back down?! I keep screwing things up purely coz when i think I'm right, I just can't back down. And even sometimes when it isn't about being right or wrong. Sometimes this thing inside me just has to keep pushing, even if he threatens me with something I hate, or am scared of...Ijust have to keep going, it's like in that moment the consequences don't matter. It's horrible, I wish I could just be a meeker, less defiant slave sometimes. Bah.
The way my head works...there's no such thing as too much, or even enough. Even if I overcome one thing that frightens me or whatever, I can't just allow myself to be happy and content in the moment that I owned my fears ass, I straight away move on and look for the next thing. I can't just revel in the moment. In a year I've gone from being a bi-curious vanilla girl in a vanilla relationship to being the thing I am today...hungry for everyone, hungry for everything, and playing and living by the extremes. When will it ever stop? Will I ever be content and say "that's enough"? Will I ever want to? Because to me the whole point of living is to experience things...doesn't matter if those experiences are good or bad, what matters is that you have them...and if I were to suddenly become content, where would my motivation to try new things be?
So I guess I'll continue down this dark and twisted path...carry on with the extremes, keep on pushing myself further and further, regardless of the consequences. And hope that one day, I can sleep. :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:17 AM 4 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Monday, 7 July 2008
Just Stuff...
Well it's been ages since i last wrote anything...i dunno, i mean ive had stuff i wanted to write-i'll have very complex thoughts in my head and stuff and i'll basically have the conversation/debate in my head, and get it all figured out and by then i'll think to myself "well i've had the thoughts now, so why do i need to write it down/have this conversation for real when i've already taken what i needed from it in my head?" It's a complicated task, being me lol.
Anyways, I will definately try to male an effort to write again, especially in the next week as the kids are going away to Wales with their dad for the week, so i get a whole week of hardcore fun and drugs, so hopefully I'll have lots of philisophical stuff to yabber about lol.
Right gotta go drink tea and wake up a bit-laters :)
Posted by Fayth at 7:49 AM 1 comments
Labels: misc
Saturday, 14 June 2008
a zen koan
Ikkyu, the Zen master, was very clever even as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Ikkyu happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Ikkyu asked: "Why do people have to die?"
"This is natural," explained the older man. "Everything has to die and has just so long to live."
Ikkyu, producing the shattered cup, added: "It was time for your cup to die."
Posted by Fayth at 9:45 PM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
A good day
Yo :) Don't know if anyone still reads this blog or not, but i wanted to write some stuff down, because it's been on my mind and stuff after today, and ive had quite a productive day actually, started off feeling a little down but managed to pull myself out of it and now i feel great. i have been skipping my weekly councelling sessions recently, because after i first went there i felt really awkward and didn't know 1. what was expected of me, 2. what the aims of councelling were and 3. i couldnt understand how it would help-i go through stuff in my mind so much, i analyze stuff and work stuff out and keep my mind fairly active in all this, so i didnt understand if there would be a point in the councelling where the councellor would say summit and "ping!" im suddenly healed and all is groovy again.
But anyways i went and i told my councellor all this, and she said there isnt really an aim to councelling...and before this session i thought it was a waste of time me going there because she couldnt tell me anything new and id already gone over stuff in my head constantly. But now after todays session i can kinda half see that it isnt summit she will say or do, it's all about purely just talking about it. and i didnt even think about what to talk about, i just talked and random stuff about my dad and childhood came out-stuff i wouldnt have thought about talking about-memories, but mostly we talked about the way i felt towards him and myself i think. and one question which has always bugged me is "was it really as bad as people make out?" and i always thought that no it wasnt, and people over reacted to my childhood, and that it wasnt that bad, because i coped, and because it was normal to me. and when i told my councellor this she said the question i should ask myself when i think this is "did it feel bad at the time?" and yes, it did. i hated feeling constantly anxious and aggressive-i realised that i was aggressive towards my dad alot of the time, and i hated that horrible stomach churny feeling where you are dreading the moment he is gonna walk in, and you hope he just falls straight to sleep on the floor or summit. my homelife-my dads anger and violence, the pain and tears and aches-they were the centre of my childhood, and it was so normal to me, and i always believed i grew up in a loving home, despite all that happened around me. now i feel a little weird-like im no longer part of it-its dark and past and gone and i stand up tall now and strong. though there is a dark part in me which hurts and screams and cries and is fucked up. But anyways, yup today was a groovy day, heh i even on the spur of the moment took the kids out-and we (all four of us) went paddling after school. So life is looking good :)
Posted by Fayth at 9:52 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself, past
Monday, 9 June 2008
Random thoughts
I really need to get back into the habit of writing. Actually, since Ive gotten the net back ive been feeling quite bored on it-it doesnt seem to appeal to me anymore, not really sure why. been playing anarchy online a bit, i like that game :) oh and learning the fun of roleplaying too! i like roleplaying-it allows you to live in a world of make believe, if only for a little while. it's fun, if a lil geeky.
Anyways, i have got stuff to say, and i will write more, it's just finding the motivation to retype it all onto the computer from paper.
oh before i go-i learnt how to play pierce myself and others, hehe i had a great play session with a yummy girly and my Master, heh was an interrogation scene, was muchos fun, and i give full credit to both of them-they make really scary interogators!
laters :)
Posted by Fayth at 10:41 AM 0 comments
Labels: misc
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Revenge And Justice
And I'm back yey :)
Okay so here's summit I written when I didnt have the net...i havent read back over it yet and yes i was high so it probably doesnt make much sense but anyways here it is...
Because i dont have the net atm i cant even post this to my blog, so i guess what im writing here really is just for myself eeep kinda scary, just me alone...in my mind...with my thoughts.
Okay so first thing i want to say is how my Master gets off on the whole punishment thing, as in, when ive really pissed him off he will punish me for it when we play, and it will make him feel better (? i think?) i soooooo do NOT like the whole punishment thing, in fact id go as far as to say it turns me off almost, makes me feel like not playing or being sexual at all, hmmm interesting to figure out why, one thing i do know for certain is in general, i do NOT believe in punishment, i believe in? revenge, in rehabilitation, in pay back, and in discipline....but i cant (yet?) believe in either punishment or even in justice, the reason why i cant (yet?) believe in justice is because there is no justice other than what you make for yourself...ie through revenge...because say someone hurt you and fucked you up or did you wrong in some way, surely its better to have personal revenge on them, rather than letting them become just another statistic in prison I kinda have to believe that id get much more satisfaction if i werent civilised or law abiding when it comes to revenge or “justice” (justice being the “civilised” oppressed and self denying persons pretty word for revenge). And, yes whilst that may be a little morally wrong, well revenge isnt about sticking to what's good and right. Revenge is simply hate and anger and cold white emotion, it's when you feel so full of hate and injustice and (ok this is a too mild word to use but hey i aint good with expressing myself so i guess its better to express myself mildly and blandly, than not at all right?) indignant that nothing good or positive can ever make it right, the only way to make it right again is to inflict pain and misery and torment upon that which has wronged you...and we're all aware (i think? I hope??) that whilst we're taking revenge it is morally wrong, it isnt nice and fluffy, and it isnt playing fair or by the rules...but THAT'S why it works so well and helps us to get over that which has fucked us up. And people cant admit this to themselves, because oh no that might make them slightly less civilised, tame...so they dress it up and give it a pretty new name....”justice”, and they hide behind the facade of “the law” and let the system eat the wrong doers up, and they pretend that justice has been served and that everyone's equal now....but because this is all just lies, they are lying to themselves and they DONT feel better for letting the law “take care of it” for them, it starts to eat them up inside and rot them, and they become bitter and angry and hurtful and abusive themselves, then they panic and think “shit im a bad person for feeling like this” so they shut down all feeling and emotion and passion for fear of themselves becoming something a little less than nice and civilised, because in their fucked up mind surely it's better to feel nothing and act pleasant to the world, than feel something for themselves, some sort of sinful passion that lets them feel truly alive. Surely it's better to turn the hate inside onto themselves than let it loose onto the outside world? Haha Bull. Shit. That's bullshit! Life is purely.....a perspective. And at the end of the day the only person you have to justify anything to is yourself. And so, selfish as it seems, it IS all groovy to hurt and inflict pain onto something or someone, if it makes you feel better. If they have wronged you, then they are basically saying “hurt me back, take the gloves off and HURT ME BACK BITCH”. And yes it may eat you up inside a little, inflicting pain upon that person...but after all if they have wronged you first then that's like giving up all their rights to not be hurt and avenged back.
Posted by Fayth at 5:55 PM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Still Alive :p
Just a quick post (im in the library at the minute, to let people know im still alive and kicking, havent been online because i havent had the net booooo. but getting it back soon so dont panic im not gone for good :p
had loads of thoughts and stuff,and i have written about some of them, but they are saved on my computer at home so cant post them atm :(
Longer posts soon, laters.
Posted by Fayth at 9:52 AM 2 comments
Labels: misc
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Digging out
I did something silly lately...about a week ago i thought i didnt need my anti D's/sedatives anymore, and i stopped taking them. Gah i hate being reliant on anything else. But in the past couple days ive realised that actually i should take them, because i can feel a difference, i just feel more out of control and a lot more grey and down, so oh well i guess ill tak the silly tablets for longer then. It pisses me off though coz we've just got hold of some Yaga (spelling?) which is a shamanic rainforest drug, used for vision quests and it's really quite potent, so i wanted to try it with Ceno and do a vision quest, but it's to dangerous to mix this stuff with the pills im on. So the vision quest will have to wait. Oh well, patience is a virtue right?
Posted by Fayth at 7:02 AM 1 comments
Labels: drugs, misc, wedding
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Dissecting my submission
My Masters post kinda got me thinking bout this. Where do my masochistic needs and urges come from? What about my submissiveness? It's all so complicated and hard to figure out but i think i got it cracked...just about. I reckon my masochism comes from a very dark place. When my dad would start on my mam or whatever and i could sense a fight or tension coming, i would often play up, i never knew why until recently, but now looking back i can pinpoint the whys of it. By being angry and arguementative myself, i could divert the focus away from my mam or brother or whatever it was causing my dad to go on a mental and turn it to me. He would get this look in his eye, this sneering look which made me even madder hehe, as it would anyone i think. I cant say he hasnt hit me in the past, but i can say that everytime i have directly challenged him he has backed down. I dont know why. But he knew that i also have a stubborn streak in me and that i dont back down-and i think he knew back then that had he carried on and gotten into a huge fight with me that he would have really fucked me up and ended up in serious trouble, or regretting it. Maybe. Anyways back to my point-i think this is part of where it comes from-i saw fights with my dad as a challenge, it was a weird and twisted kind of rush, that hah i fucking beat him, he backed down. and if it did come to physical blows....well yes it hurt, physical pain does kinda hurt lol, that's the point of it; but i can only imagine what my dad thought when i came right back for more and still didnt back down. im not trying to come off like a big tough person or whatever, coz i aint heh. I shamefully admit that many times when i knew he would be coming home drunk and angry i tried to make sure i was fast asleep so i didnt have to be in the middle of it-and im ashamed of this, but can admit to it. I think alot of masochistic urges can come from parts of our pasts-things we have experienced, habits we have picked up...with me it's part "look at me im tough i can take it" part challenge (i LOVE being challenged it's my favourite thing ever lol) and part of me just likes the pain coz it interests me...seeing how it feels, the sensations, different types of pain, and our responses to it.
So submission then. Why am i submissive? I mean it's weirded me out a little recently, seeing just how submissive i fel towards Ceno...it's a lil unnerving heh. I genuinely feel panicky and upset-deeply upset when i upset him or disappoint him. It's like something comes over me and all i can think of is making it all better again. Im scared im not a good sub (never mind slave!) for him, and i so want to be.
I dont act like alot of other subs act-they seem to be so respectful, and "together" within themselves. And im not. I have full complete respect for Ceno...but i have it because i believe he deserves it, he has earned it, i dont respect him "just because he is my Dom". And i do argue back way too much-alot of the time if i feel overly emotional i cant ignore these needs and i need them sorted out there and then. Which is a bad habit i know, and one i am trying to deal with.
Anyways back to the question-why am i submissive? This is even harder than the masochist question, but i think it's because i genuinely like to feel owned. It makes me feel safe and secure, which is even weirder since ive never been one for security, in fact usually i run from it hehe. But i think with Ceno ive found a place where i can fit and sit and watch the world whilst having lots of depraved dark fun and i dont feel a freak for the stuff i like. Submitting to Ceno fufils something dark and hungry in me, and the more i give, the more i want to give. It's fun, seeing just how far i will go...like a twisted little game of cat and mouse between the two of us though now i feel more on his side (as the cat) and the rest of the world including the nice side of me...is the mouse.
Posted by Fayth at 9:47 PM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Wolfs Shadow
My Masters blog
the above link leads to my Masters blog...so just thought i'd drop it in here so people can have a glance :) It aint as cool as my blog mind, but then not many are :p (okay okay im KIDDING!)
Posted by Fayth at 7:13 PM 0 comments
Labels: misc
Monday, 28 April 2008
My dark secret...
Okay so my head's about to pop. It's a very long story, but i guess i should explain a little bit if this post is to make any sort of sense. Basically my dad was an alcoholic abusive, violent man, and he would drink alot and then come home drunk to my mam, me and my younger brother. He would get angry over stupid things, and start fighting. He wou;d smash things, beat my mam and be generally abusive and violent and down right aggresive towards all three of us. He especially seemed to hate me, because i had a bit of a mouth on me when he got angry-i always felt like i had to stand up for my mam and brother because my mam wasnt strong enough to and my brother was younger than me. Anyway shit happens, as it does and there were a couple of times when i was 14 when he raped me, and touched me up. I was a young minded 14 year old and didnt know how to handle this. In fact it's been in this past year that i have handled all of my past, and faced what happened to me. So as the story goes, i turned 16 and left home. Eventually my mam left my dad and remarried, and my dad got a girlfriend. Who has two kids-an 8 year old and a 14 year old. He is violent to them. Abusive, drunk and violent. He uses emotional manipulation against them, like he did with me and my mam and brother. He has fucked my brother up, fucked my mam up and fucked me up...though ive managed to break free from his hold and am healing, thanks to Ceno. Anyway this family-i was worried about the kids living with him, because of the past and stuff, and because i know what he does to the poor kids. So i phoned child protection. They got back to me today saying that they were really glad i had come forwards and stuff and they were quite concerned about this family and they were already in contact with them and stuff, and they have regular contact with the mother. They want me to go forwards and tell the police and press charges against my dad, for raping me. They say it will help with his girlfriend, and her kids...basically she keeps going back to him and the kids really dont want him there. Im so unsure about all this. i want to do the right thing-i know when i was a kid, i wished almost everyday for someone to help us out of the situation-i begged my mam to leave him practically, but she never did...she just couldnt do it alone. So for that reason i want to go to the police and tell them, and sort it out...not for revenge, not to punish him, but to simply stand up and say "no i wont let you hurt another innocent". but then there are complications...i DONT feel angry towards my dad. my councellor says this was my coping mechanism when i was little-i can feel angry towards him for what he has done to my mam and brother, but when it comes to me...i just cant feel angry. i can forgive him for it. I dont excuse it-what he did was terribly wrong, but i can see why he acts the way he does...though i do understand everyone is responsible for their own actions. My dad was an expert at manipulation. He had a knack for making us all feel sorry for him, like he was the victim. He would get drunk, come home, beat my mam and then come and wake me and my brother and cry to us, saying how we all hated him and by the time morning came he would be gone and we'd never see him again. So im well aware now, that part of the reason i feel pity for him and am reluctant to hurt him is because of the way he has wormed his way into my head with his pathetic attempts at emotional blackmail. But it's still hard. Also if i go to the police it's just all gonna blow up and ill have to face repercussions-my brother is close with my dad and is on his side so much so that he refuses to believe he raped me, and has said that even if he did do it, i should still have him in my life because it "onlyhappened the once". i just wish i could make my past disappear. I'm struggling with dealing with the fact im part of my dad, that im connected to him in any way. i hate the fact he is connected to my past-i wish i could get out of this head fuck. Anyways, that's for now...i have just over 24 hours until social services phone me back to find out if im going to the police or not. Argh what's a girl to do?!
Posted by Fayth at 7:39 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself, past
Sunday, 27 April 2008
A rant
Okay so summit that has been on my mind for the past couple days is understanding the way people work, as in with mind games. I think we ALL play mind games, whether it's on a concious or a sub concious level. Recently I've had someone trying to play mind games with me, in what i would say is a pretty clever and calculated way. The first time this person played mind games with me, they almost won, in fact ifell for it at first and it was only after it was pointed out to me by about 5 different people some of whom know this person, some of whom had never met her before. Then i was able to sit back and analyze it all from a more objective point of view and see what was happening...usually emotion kinda overtakes me and i become unable to think of anything but what i am feeling at that exact time. Once i saw what was happening, i stopped letting it get to me, i learned how to deal with it, and things got better; and i no longer had the person who was fucking with my head in my life. Recently i had contact with her again however, and once again, she tried getting inside my head. She was angry that things had fucked up so bad between us and that she thought she was somehow being punished for the way things had turned out. Hmmm not likely. I have no time for people who hide behind lies and think they are above everyone else, when really, they are no better OR worse...they just simply are. Anyways, this time when she tried her games i was ready, and simply showed no response...sometimes no response is the best response.
This girl thinks that she is better than me, and that she can wrap me round her little finger and that im just some angry irrational half-psycho who doesnt see things. Well, i do see things. I see lots of things, and no-one, not even some self absorbed, head in the clouds, whining pathetic girl will make me stay down. Just a piece of advice :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:03 PM 4 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Saturday, 26 April 2008
The Creation
Once there was a girl, and she was comfortable and she loved and was loved. She was numb to life, pushed and pulled in others directions, wandering meaninglessly through life, desperately screaming inside for more. And then the Wolf came. And saw. See, Want, Take. It was his way. And he played a dangerous game and took the girl and enchanted her with his words and lust. She desired him, she desired the dark he showed her. Before him, she was a lost child trying to find her way. He turned her into something better. Hungry, Desirable, Primal. He killed the girl and all her false hopes. He turned the gril into his little whore. He too what he wanted and moulded it into me. He showed her a world full of desire and shadows and drugs and magic. Clean before him, stained only with her own confusions and the dark shadows of her past, he covered her in blood and got her addicted to the dark, to him. J'Adore la Wolfie. He showed her the real enemy, he showed her the real truth. She was his quickening, and he was her god. She was hungry for everything, nothing was ever enough for her. And he could always give more, he took the lead and she followed eagerly. And the corruption that he played with tasted so sweet.
I love you Master
Posted by Fayth at 10:32 AM 1 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Stuff
Had alot on my mind recently...stuff's been happening and I've overcome a lot of hurdles in my head too, which can only be a good thing right? So prepare for this post to be fairly muddled....which will definately make a change from the usual structured and sensible posts ;)
Self Control
Okay had a wake up about this. I have no self control. For me it's way too easy to follow my emotions, especially in the heat of the moment. Part of this is because of the way i see life...i see life AS emotion, so to me it's very important that we indulge in those emotions that we feel, as denying them is to deny ourselves right? Another reason why i have no self control is because of misplaced anger...i cant feel angry at my dad for the past, therefore i block it out yet the anger grows and grows and explodes in all directions, instead of focusing it in the right place. This i am working on. The last reason is, i think, because i grew up seeing raw anger and seeing my dad having hardly any self control over his emotions. Though weirdly up until, um, last night lol, i always thought my dad was a fairly self controled person, but now i see he just bottled it up and he did what i do now to an extent, where he would feel angry (in his case the anger he felt was towards himself) but because he couldnt face it he would instead get angry at everything else and bottle it up but when he had had a drink his false self control would slip and his anger would come out.
Ceno was talking to me about self control last night and when i said that i thought my dad had self control he pointed out that self control is not doing something that you know will make you lose control. In my dads case drinking alcohol. Ceno pointed out that if my dad had any real self control then he would have avoided alcohol because he knew it made him lose his self control, therefore my dad is not a very self controled person, because he knew what he was like after having a drink and how much he hurt us all yet he still went and drank anyways. This helps alot, and yes it should have been obvious for me to see myself but well, i couldnt...when it comes to my family i do need things pointing out at times.
Other Stuff
Hmmm other stuff...well, lots have happened...just been enjoying each day as it comes really, and im learning to let things go. Ive also really learned how to be rational now, okay well MORE rational...
when i feel angry or upset or like im going to a bad place ive learned how to stop, step outside myself and think rationally....like Naz said to me when she came up the other week, that it's not that you are dismissing the way you feel, you are just simply putting things on hold and if you still feel the same in a couple days then deal with it then, that way you dont lose yourself in the heat of the moment. I still need a lot of practice on this but i definately am getting there.
So i dont have a sub anymore...i LIKE being in the mindset of a domme, i LIKE being patronising-okay i LOVE being patronising, and i found it fun...but im worried, because (again, thanks to Naz) that when i do get the control, i havent a clue what to do with it...in fact it's so much so that i feel like i should be doing things to the sub that THEY want me to do, which would be totally pointless and make it all fall apart anyways. So i really need to learn what to do with the power when i do get it and all will be groovy.
Found out my dad is probably going to prison in June. I dont know how i feel about this. I guess im glad, because at least them he wont be able to hurt anyone else and also it may help him by helping him face a few facts. I have a letter i wrote to him, but i dont know if i should send it to him, there's stuff in there he doesnt want to face.
Well thats it for now :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:40 PM 0 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Stupid Girl (a poem)
red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up
Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today
there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries
creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts
lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes
daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine
i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today
my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take them away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned
stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know
Posted by Fayth at 7:05 AM 0 comments
Labels: misc, myself, poems
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Time
People come and go, their lives change, they themselves change...all passing through this vast energy line of feelings and emotions and volcanic eruption. I miss my past. I miss who I was, where I was. But as much as I miss it, I realise that I can never go back...this cycle doesn't go backwards, just forwards, with time plodding slowly but mechanically on and on. Sometimes I feel like I could stand in the centre of it all and scream, a loud shrill painful scream, making the noise to make it stop, to let me off, to stop dragging me with time, but the rules apply to me too, there is no getting off, no stopping the ride, choice there. I must go forwards, and with each passing second, it takes me closer to my destiny, my fate, my death.
Posted by Fayth at 6:33 AM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
More past ramblings...
Find it quite hard to post new philosophical posts on here unless im high...so thought today id post another piece that i wrote a while ago...(im not crazy im not crazy im NOT crazy!!!)
it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone to. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.
Posted by Fayth at 6:28 AM 0 comments
Labels: myself, philosophy
Monday, 21 April 2008
One groovy-assed weekend
Okay so I'm ready to write a little about my weekend now. Wasn't going to but decided I don't really care who reads this-I had a really good time and well, I'd like to write about it so I can remember it really vividly. (Though tbh it wasn't the type of time that i would forget easily anyways)
So I met someone this weekend, a new friend I made. She is ACE! Seriously so laid back and chilled and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could be my own dirty little self around her because usually I hide certain parts of myself to most other people because I don't know, most people wouldn't understand.
We had a weekend of heavy playing, which involved lots of blood and blade play hehe, ouch my poor body aches so much...okay okay i'm not sorry it aches heh, i quite like it :p
Looking forwards to seeing her again, and hopefully meeting her boyfriend next time too-though it was pretty intense having two dom/mes on me this time, so i can only imagine what it's like to have three at once hehe. Maybe next time I'll resist more, i always get off on a good struggle, though as N pointed out I wouldn't have a fucking clue what to do if i actually did win hehe.
She is also really good to chat to, and we had a lot of very interesting conversations, i even managed to get a better understanding of where my masochistic urges may come from, let's just say it's not from a place full of bunnies and rainbows and sparkles. Heh.
So thanks N for a really good time this weekend, both me and Ceno enjoyed it lots and it's always good to make a new friend. :)
Posted by Fayth at 3:56 AM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, misc
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Growing
Yes, I'm still alive :) Not been around for a couple days because well, because I've been busy with other things heh, which I won't really go into here.
So I've finally conquered my mental block of irrationality. Yey! Uusally I'm a really irrational person, alot of my actions are based on emotions and how i feel right there, in the heat of the moment. I've tried so hard in the past to get rationality, and to have it for myself, but up until now I've never actually achieved it. Ceno has tried desperately to explain how to have self control and how to be rational, hell, my ex strawb's tried too in the past to explain these seemingly simple concepts to me. I guess it's one of those things where you learn it when you are ready. Well, I reckon I'm ready! I have it now! I'm not gonna go into details or anything, so I know that means there aint much point me writing this in my blog but well so what it's my damn blog and I'll write whatever rambled jumbled up nonsense I want! Let's just say I managed to step outside my irrational snappy anger and realise that I had no reason to be snappy and that if I need help then I should just ask, rather than expect people to be a mind reader...
So yes, I've learned a lot this past weekend...it's been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, and I made a new friend :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:35 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself
Friday, 18 April 2008
My enlightenment
(can you tell im in a really philosophical mood today?)...this was written last july by me, about the time i really started opening up my mind and seeing the world differently. i think ive come a long way since then, but it's interesting to see how i thought when it all first started...
its so clear now. im writing this because maybe by writing things down i can try to understand them, or at the very least remember them, if i should ever forget and try to bury it all again. its a struggle. but people-the ones you see going off to buy new stuff that they dont need-cars, shoes, tvs-they shut themselves off from it all. so they never have to deal with the real struggle-the biggest struggle one will ever have to face is themselves. im facing myself right now and fuck its hard. i think on some level i think im losing my mind, but, deep down i know-i remind myself-that THEY want me to believe that. because people who try to become enlightened like me scare them. they grind us down and sedate us with their antidepressants and their medication-they see how our minds are growing and expanding and they coin some medical term for it-"oooh you're feeling bad are you? you're DEPRESSED! here, have some of these tablets, they'll soon have you feeling sedated and normal again!" and so, some of these on-their-way-to-enlightenment people take these pills and their minds get crushed down again. they try to lead us to believe that because we are feeling like this that there is something wrong with us, that we need treatment. they use fancy phrases like "pyschosis" to describe us-FUCK THEM. they arent having my mind, not now, not ever. i see right through them-all their little scams to try and keep us down,keep us dumb,keep us below them. because if we knew the truth about the world,about how it REALLY works, then all the big business suits and corporate arseholes would FALL. if we, as humans, should look up to anyone on this planet,then give the credit to people who really deserve it. music bands who give us the truth in their music-angry music, calming music, intense music, music with a beat, whatever. or to poets, who write great pieces of literature. look at the fighters of the world-fighting oppression, fighting in justice,fighting for the rights of all living creatures-no better,no worse, just different. or look to the great thinkers of the world-the ones who question everything and see the truth. dont fucking idolise the idiots who make lots of money and never question anything-money is a screen-its not real. its their game-their game because they make the rules of it as they go along, so they always come out on top. you dont need stuff. your perception IS your reality. it really is. and yes its scary-so scary,when it finally hits you and you open your eyes and look around-its well fucking scary-but its a good thing. youve got the whole world to explore-expand your mind, don't take anything-ANYTHING-at face value-always question it, always look to try and refute it, always keep looking for another angle. even stuff you believe in-hell, i WANT my beliefs to be challenged. that way,if i come out of it with the same beliefs,(which i doubt i will) i know they are good strong solid beliefs. and this is so new to me. i can see the world for how it is-zombies-most of us are zombies and we walk around wishing we had this or could do that and we worship false gods and make role models and heroes out of idiots just because they are famous for the sake of being famous. and from that we get insecurities about our bodies-that we are too fat, too thin, and it's never enough for us. fuck that. im glad to be me-with all my insecurities and blemishes and fucked-up-edness. i like being me. id rather be me than be anyone else in the world. and when you let people see that you have freed your mind and that you stand liberated from the death-grip of this hellish society, theyll mock you, or tell you that you're ill, or that you need help. no, THEY fucking need help. we're the free ones. we're the ones who, even though we may be a little afraid, we're not too afraid to step out into the great unknown and open ourselves up to the REAL world. no good, no bad, just different. just energy. one energy, flowing through the planet. it belongs to us all, and we are all one.
and yes i panic that "omg! they're gonna realise the way i think and look it up in their lil textbooks! and-GASP!-then they'll know! they'll know and they'll come for me and try to grind me down again!" well fucking let them come. im not afraid. i'm not alone anymore. i've found what im looking for and im not letting go-ill go where it takes me ill grow and see the world. and the suits can rot.
to know something is to know that you will never know enough about it
Posted by Fayth at 9:30 AM 2 comments
Labels: myself, philosophy
When I'm high...
Was reading through some of my old stuff this morning, that ive written mostly when ive been high on pills. this is a bit i wrote back in january, but reading it i can feel warm inside knowing ive felt all this, and that if i look hard enough i can feel it again. it sounds kinda nutty i agree when i write about not believing any of this is real, but when you read it try to forget everything else you think you know about our existence and read it with an open mind. Would love to know what others views are on this subject, this is the one thing that has me hooked on opening up my mind more...
its impossible to know until you've been there and tried it for yourself. and every inch of my body right now is itching and screaming to create create create. to get dirt on my hands and make something beautiful. to wrench out my guts and stuff them back in again just so i've made something new. and instead ill sit here and write crap that when i'm not high ill think wtf yet the drugs...something in them opens your mind and damn i cant stay away, cant stay away and give up my right to creation and freedom and mind freeing diving digging screwing. and the words and colours and touch is in me, and they are itching begging hurling to come out yet i just dont have that kind of knowledge yet, i'm getting there and iim on the right track but still i have to be patient and wait and watch and learn and grow. and the right way is there, waiting for us all to reach out and touch it and i feel like i've finally saw it and its beautiful and haunting and scary and colourful and once i step there my mind is gonna be blown away and my whole perception of what this -THIS- all is is gonna change and know and ill see. and i see, in my mind, right now...i see, i see the world how it is...it isn't a physical thing, thats only what our minds tell us so that we have a way of perceiving it and understanding it better. there's beautiful ebs of energy and its yellow and a brilliant green, and it's twirling and making prettyness everywhere and it's like nothing else you could ever see or even begin to imagine. like blobs of coloured oil merging with a grey watery pit and the colours all melt into one, and thats what we are...thats our energies and our essence and we all move and swim and feel and breath, only it's not our physical bodies that make us enchanting, it's our minds. and i don't know why we are here, all i know is that we are and we have forgotten and that the fact we were supposed to forget is what was supposed to happen an so its ok...no need to feel fear, because its the design, the plan....and we need to learn how to remember, only, i am now...im remembering and i feel how i float in a coloured dream and everything's vivid and untouchable and yet, you can touch it and feel it, only you don't feel with your skin you feel it inside, in your gut, and its a free yet safe and amazing feeling, like, you are one and connected and you don't have a seperate body or mind or thought, you just are one...with the universe, and you can feel what the universe feels, and it does, feel. yet...we are here. our minds tell us that we are here, and i don't exactly know why, but its a struggle and a hunt and it seems that i can stop the struggle and the hunt, i just have to disbelieve my reality and my perceptions and understand that in knowing nothing is the first step and the closet we will ever probably come to knowing everything.
and it intrigues me and i want to know, what it all looks like, i mean, us...our energies and souls and our world and everything, i want to know how it looks, from a long way away. it is small, yet, big. it's nothing as it's all in our minds, we created it all, yet...it is everything. it's our whole world and more...only we can change it, because it's all in our minds and we can choose to shut our minds and only see what we think we see and know, or we can open our minds and remember and see and know and feel the connection and the other side. hicks never said it better than when he said we are the imagination of ourselves....this whole world...earth...its just a game, a big complicated game that we have invented to keep our impossibly complex minds amused. but i want to see more now...i don't want to be trapped here, only seeing what i tell myself i see anymore. i want to let my mind explore.
and yes, if a person not on drugs read this, they'd almost certainly think that it was a stereotypical writing/sight/train of thought of a person on drugs and it was just the drugs and the fact i'm not completely in control of my mind right now. but drugs help you to let go and rid yourself of the chained up grey solid perceptions and help you to open up and see the real true truth. and the drugs seem to do something else, too. they carve out your creativity, they force you to want to create and destroy and tear down and build something new. they force you to want to get messy and smear your art up your arms and fuck up and write and hurt and smash everything just to see how it all falls down, because it's beautiful like that. and the guys who let their creativity out when on drugs and they create great pieces of inspiration and just raw beauty and angst....and then they kill themselves...they don't die, they just let go. and the truth and the knowledge can sometimes fuck you up so much, that THAT is why they do it, that is why they end their time on this earth...maybe once they've done it they realise that "wow, i didn't die...im still here and wow, now my energies are free and floating and i can see and merge now" and they probably deserve it, because if theres one thing this world needs at all, if theres one thing this race needs....it's real raw art. the kind that drags you in, where you can feel so much pain and angst and anger and peace and love...and acceptance...all at the same time.
Posted by Fayth at 8:56 AM 3 comments
Labels: drugs, philosophy
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