Intellectualism.....and all that clever stuff

Wow check me out, setting out to write a post on summit other than myself haha...and on something clever too! Impressed? Yeah me too :p

So me and Wolfie had a really REALLY good night last night, we really reconnected and things, and had a good long chat about....random things like politics and the world and society and how everyone in power is all corrupt and ebil and stuff. I've never been interested in politics before. Let them get on with their silly little games of follow my leader, I wasn't interested, because well...I didn't (and still don't) believe in following theie rules, I was born a free person and that's how I wanna stay, thanks :)
HOWEVER....yeah there's an however. Wheras in the past I thought "fuck it, I don't want any part in it all"...now I see that the only chance you have really if you want to try andc change the way it's done, is to do it from the inside. And not just shout about how stupid it all is, and offer no alternative to the problem. You gotta get in there, play their game and beat them at it, and when trying to change people's opinions on your caue, offer up an alternative to whatevdr it is you are protesting about, because otherwise most people won't change, as they won't know how to. Most people follow.

And the government....they use issues like imigrants and benefit fraud and recycyling and any other stupid small issue, and they make out like it's a big thing, they make the public scared of groups of people, make them believe that they have to be wary and have to rely on the government to keep them safe....and it's all bullshit!! They focus our attention on stuff that is irrelevant, to keep our attention away from the real issues...like how they are full of shit and are all corrupted and power crazed.

In reference to above paragraph about...example...benefit fraud costs the government £12.6 million a year by the goverments own estimate, the war on iraq cost £1 billion a DAY....identity cards (we don't need more goverment interference thanks)...cost is about £5 billion for that project hmmm. Trident Nuclear Submarines...£75 billion for five of them....Kinda puts it all into perspective doesn't it. Worrying about benefit fraud is kinda like worrying about someone short changing you by 10p whilst someone else is burning your house to the ground.

The media does it too. Papers like the Daily Mail and The Sun etc.....they choose what bits of information to print. And they choose the bits that best fit their own agendas. Make the publicn scared and weak and dependent, and who will there be to question you? Print an article or seventy, about how drugs are bad bad evil bad, everytime there is a drug related death, splash it across the front page and well....drugs become the enemy. They don't mention that electric blankets cause more deaths in the UK every year than Exctasy does, no because tht's not part of their agenda. People who use drugs in a healthy respectful way have their minds opened....they cxan think and feel and see the whole world so much more clearer, and when you open your mind to everything, you will evetually see the truth...and the government and people in power don't want that. So comes the war on drugs.

It's hidden. In the language, in the messages that get sent out to people, sub concious messages that most people don't pick up on. We're told what to think, what to eat or not eat, what clothes to wear, we're trained as kids to focus on working hard, doing your best, reach the targets, don't fail don't fail don;t fail....trained to become good little workers ready for adult hood.

Give me a break! Down with school, I say. Down with the goverment telling us to be afraid, treating us like we're all stupid and that we can't see what they are doing....it's all just fucked up. And me, I only just started to see all this in recent years, before that, I thought I was enlightened but,....I wasn't. I was part of the system, brainwashed into thinking I had free thought and no power. Well, I do have power, actually. I have power over myself and my choices and I can help spread the word and help empower more people to know the truth. Money might equal power, but....people standing together to say no to bullshit and propaganda is also a powerful tool.

Okay there my clever post done. :P Yeah I don't use big fancy terms and stuff because well...at end of day I still am uneducated haha, though far from thick. I think. ;)

Delicious Memories

Okay start the blog again then! Will upload previous posts as I go along....as and when I can be arsed :) Though todays post I shall post now....here it is....wait for it.....NOW!

Delicious Memories :) Pt 1
Do drugs work? They can do, if you have the rigth attitude. For me,it's hard. I have a highly HIGHLY addictive personality, and I always want more. The first time I took a drug; MDMA. It was E. Four of them. It was amazing. A feeling like no other. My whole mind opened up, my senses intensified. I could see, feel, smell, hear, taste and experience...everything, so much more. The world was brighter, everything more vivid, everything alive and awake. I've chased that feeling ever since. What intensified the whole experience even more for me was the fact I shared it with Wolfie. I had never met him before. (okay this was originally a drugs post but now it's gonna be an I-met-Wolfie post). He was big. He was bad. I was little. I was shy. I was, essentially, a good girl. He was tall, dark, very good looking with dark eyes and a shaved head. I knew he liked nasty degrading sex. I knew he liked drugs. I had tried niether. He was like a gateway, an invitation into an exciting, dangerous new world. Desire is entrapment. That's what he had said. And I REALLY desired him. He was older than me, and better educated. I remember him stepping off the coach- my legs were shaking I was so meep and nervous. We went for coffee. He wore all black. And a long black trench coat. He drank coffee, a grown ups drink, whilst I had tea. I was quiet, shy, he had me under his spell. We walked to the bus stop. He had a bag with him. It made me nervous because I knew he had things in there, to use on me, to do to me. BDSM like. I's never done anything like that before. Though I craved it badly. At the bus stop we laughed about how shy I was, how nervous he made me. Then, he kissed me. Wowza.

At home, we chatted and stuff, as it got nearer to night time Wolfie took out the E. He had said he was bringing some. I had never touched drugs up til then. Hell I didn't even drink. I was a vegan hippy good-girl; shy nieve, yet hungry- starving- for this.

He took his E and placed mine on the table. Three small white pills to start. The time was here now: did I take them and step into "that" world, or not?
Of course I took them. I was scared- I had a big bad stranger in my house, he had already told me (via text messages online) he wanted to do bad things to me. Bad things I would like. He had brought drugs. He had brought whips. He had brought hunger and desire and all sorts of exciting feelings I had never felt before.
The drugs took about half an hour to work. In the meantime, he suggested I go "get changed" and "show him what I had bought for him". I had bought a revealing black lacy basquette thing and fishnets. Sexy clothes were not something I was used to. Niether was make up. Niether was having my body looked at in a sexual way. I came back down, wearing it. Gosh I felt small and exposed. He smiled, a kind of confident hungry predatory smile as I came in. Looking me up and down approvingly. I had nevger felt so self concious before, Ever. I felt tiny next to him-he was 6ft3 and I was 5ft1 and probably weighed about 8stone, a little heavier than I am now. I had long dark hair, and had never thought of myself as pretty before, I was always a tom boy really. But right then I felt pretty.

The E started to kick in. All of a sudden colours were brighter and there was a rush of life and awakening going on in my head. I kind of forgot how to form coherent sentences then. For a bit. Wolfie was great. He stood close to me, his strong arms holding me gently, his voice calm and low and steady.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.

That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.

More past posts....

Monday, 20 July 2009
Conflicted...
Feeling really fucked up lately. Not sure what I want, well, I do, but...I want everything and nothing. Really conflicted...I want everything, every drug, every feeling, every experience, good or bad is irrelevant, it's all about getting it. And then, I want nothing. I want to be left alone to just sleep and not wake up...I need life, yet I need something else. I'm so fucking tired of being here, of having to feel or having to carry on. Fuck me I sound like a pretentious goth wannabee now don't I? I'm not, really.

Listening to Hole at the minute, Courtney Loves' music is one of the few things in this world that can touch me deep inside and make me feel...but when I feel I just feel hurt. Everything comes up and bubbles up, yet...I can't turn away because the pain is like...a horrible addiction, but without anything to gain. Or maybe I am gaining something from it and not knowing it, who knows.

I'm so hungry for everything. Hungry for life and hungry for stuff I haven't yet even tasted and starving for something real that I can touch and feel and hold onto.

I never fit in. Not with the trendy people, not with the weirdos either. That's not me being pretentiously mysterious. I just...don't belong anywhere. I don't think the way others do, or maybe I do but...I don't act like them. I like bands like Limp Bizkit and Hole and Nirvana and PJ Harvey yet I don't fit in mainstream OR alternatively. I hate myself more and more everyday yet I'm my only true friend, the only one I can properly trust myself to rely on, even though I have a guy I love so much and everything, I just feel stuck in myself yet completely and totally not in myself at all.

Meh.
Posted by Fayth at 8:42 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Wedding...
So Ceno booked the wedding, and surprised me with it. And I was very surprised by it...He texted me during the day about a month ago and said "want a surprise?" It is booked for October 31st this year, at first I was like "okay well then it HAS to be a fancy dress wedding" I just thought it would be so cool if our families came all dressed up.

Now though, fine it can be a normal wedding. I don't feel normal. I don't feel anything except...I don't know. I'm just a bit umph.

We are going to Vegas for the honeymoon, it sounds very cool and I have never been to America before.

Sorry I sound all bleh...just having one of them days though I'm sure I'll perk up laters..going camping this weekend which should be fun :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:07 AM 3 comments
Labels: wedding
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Long time no write...
Hey

Been so long since I last wrote...things just get in the way you know? I feel the urge to write, but...I don't...writing would mean I have to think and look inside myself and I don't know that I have it in me anymore...or, maybe I do, since I'm writing this now. Just so much to say, so many feelings and emotions and questions....that they just don't come out.

My dad goes to court in June...the police are pressing the charges I brought against him...the charges the police made are child abuse and neglect from 1985 til 1997 and indecent assault...I don't know how I feel about this. Everything, I feel everything I could abnout this. Except, glee, or joy. I don't believe in justice, it's just a prettier word for revenge...but do I want revenge against him? After everything he did to me, my brother and my mam, after all the times I remember being so scared, so angry, so frustrated? Terrifed, when he was drunk, when he was angry, when he was violent and nasty. After when he kissed me inapprpriately, touched me when he shouldn't have, hit my mam, domineered us all, hated us all...I don't feel like I do want or need revenge now. When I was a kid I hated him at times, really hated him. But he was my dad, I also loved him, he was the most important man in my life. And even now, after like, almost two years of not seeing him I miss him. It hurts to think about him, I feel a sense of loss. I don't miss feeling anxious everytime I was around him, I don't miss feeling like I had to act a certain way, or feeling like I had to be ready to jump up and fight him...but I miss him. And now I'm terrified not of him, but of what could happen to him. Prison, having his life destroyed...or worse what if he commits suicide? I don't know how I will deal, I don't know how I will live with myself, but I had to speak up....it was what had to be done, however much I hate it. I love my dad, I do. And I'll always miss him, always feel like a piece of me isn't there, because I don't have him. But I also realise that he was abusive, nasty, aggressive, domineering and the way he acted towards us and the things he did were wrong.

So that's one of the things on my mind. The other is...I don't know. I'm yearning for something, someone. I want a friend. I want to travel, to get out, to see the world, to grow and develop as a person, to meet people-yes meet people, even though I hate people and hate being around people. I am angry, I am defiant, I have a HUGE problem with authority and authority figures, I'm lonely, I'm depressed yet also happy and hungry for life, I'm an introvert, yet I can love attention. I want to be at the centre of the world and feel all the energy from all the different places and people. I want to feel alive. I want to go to the gym everyday...I have started going to the gym and I have to say, after I go there and I'm walking out after a good two hour session, I feel amazing! It's a natural high-ranks up there with taking E for the first few times. A different sort of high but...it feels good! I want to spend time with my kids, doing stuff with them...they make me smile so much and give me a sense of purpose. They are amazing, the things they come out with, the wacky weird things they say or create...the way they learn, the way they soak up the world around them is just, amazing. I want to go to music gigs, hippy festivals, raves, film festivals, seedy nightclubs...I want to do and see and feel everything. I want to learn, and grow. Change. I want to...just be.
Posted by Fayth at 7:53 PM 3 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Monday, 2 March 2009
Emotions, or lack of
Writing this I don't even know what to call it. Is it a letter, telling somebody my
thoughts? Is it a dairy entry, a way of talking about my thoughts and issues, without having anybody there to listen? Is it going on my blog so it is open to the rest of the world? I don't know...I just know that I don't write often anymore, but right now, in this moment, I need to.This whole world calls to me...I'm different, not in a good way, not in a bad way. Just different. I watch people going about their lives, how they interact with others, I watch with disinterest, I watch because I don't understand them, I watch because...what else can I do? My whole life I've felt like an outsider...do others feel this way? Do the masses watch from the sidelines, never fitting in, never feeling like they belong? Or is it the
select few maybe, feeling alone and lost in this busy and noisy world? Do they watch from the sidelines or maybe they fake it, take part with the rest of them,
put on their masks and pretend like everything's cool? What does it mean? I feel so much emotion-or I used to. Recently I find myself watching from afar..find myself feeling less and less real emotion, though I pretend otherwise, because I feel I shouldn't appear cold or disinterested or like I don't care when I do, I do care very much. I used to feel so excited about the prospect of life and the future. As I get older I find myself becoming something I never thought I'd be; cynical. I used to care about issues, about beliefs, about my morality. I used to look to the future and feel excited about it, wonder what it would be like, like when you have a really good book and you wonder how it will end. How will it end? It's becoming less and less important to me, how it will end. I used to feel anger, I used to feel happy, I used to feel worry-I used to feel anything except this coldness that I feel now. Sometimes I wish for bad things to happen just so I have something to do, to focus on, to try to catch my interest. I'm not the girl I used to be, I don't know how it has happened, but it has.

Yet at the same time, I'm growing. Changing. I feel it, I'm growing up a little, I used to be childish. I used to be forced to be mature and responsible, to take care of others. Now, I'm starting to take care of myself. I'm learning more and more each day, only the more I learn, the darker it feels, colder, less hope for humanity and less hope for me. Though knowledge is needed, I'm starving for it. I had a conversation huge three and a half hour conversation the other night, with Adrian, and it was one of the best conversations I've had for a long time. All about physics and particles and the mysteries of the universe. I need more conversations like that. It fascinated me.

I can grab hold of some feelings when I listen to music, angry defiant, never-give-up music. Or soft peaceful, soothing music. Music evokes emotion, so it's nice to see I do still have some.

Wow this has been all about me...I'm not that into myself, honest.
Posted by Fayth at 2:34 PM 1 comments
Labels: myself


Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Is it ever enough?
So I dont have any subs anymore...my Master said that partly because of how I've been acting, and partly for other reasons, I'm no longer allowed to play with others alone...only with people whom we play with together. I dont like this new rule lol, but...I can see why he has made it.

I'm confused to fuck about my dominant side...my Master says I definately have one..and he's usually right, but...well I dunno. I know I have a sadistic side, it's that childish glee that I get when I hurt someone, knowing that they are taking pain or humiliation, just for my amusement and pleasure. But I still don't have any urge or desire to have control over someone else. Maybe I'm not really about the whole yes miss no miss thing..i can't think of anything less appealing in D/s than an obedient sub who never answers back or pushes the limits...maybe

that's why i play up so much.
Which brings me back to my submissive side...WHY is it so fucking hard for me to back down?! I keep screwing things up purely coz when i think I'm right, I just can't back down. And even sometimes when it isn't about being right or wrong. Sometimes this thing inside me just has to keep pushing, even if he threatens me with something I hate, or am scared of...Ijust have to keep going, it's like in that moment the consequences don't matter. It's horrible, I wish I could just be a meeker, less defiant slave sometimes. Bah.
The way my head works...there's no such thing as too much, or even enough. Even if I overcome one thing that frightens me or whatever, I can't just allow myself to be happy and content in the moment that I owned my fears ass, I straight away move on and look for the next thing. I can't just revel in the moment. In a year I've gone from being a bi-curious vanilla girl in a vanilla relationship to being the thing I am today...hungry for everyone, hungry for everything, and playing and living by the extremes. When will it ever stop? Will I ever be content and say "that's enough"? Will I ever want to? Because to me the whole point of living is to experience things...doesn't matter if those experiences are good or bad, what matters is that you have them...and if I were to suddenly become content, where would my motivation to try new things be?

So I guess I'll continue down this dark and twisted path...carry on with the extremes, keep on pushing myself further and further, regardless of the consequences. And hope that one day, I can sleep. :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:17 AM 4 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Monday, 7 July 2008
Just Stuff...
Well it's been ages since i last wrote anything...i dunno, i mean ive had stuff i wanted to write-i'll have very complex thoughts in my head and stuff and i'll basically have the conversation/debate in my head, and get it all figured out and by then i'll think to myself "well i've had the thoughts now, so why do i need to write it down/have this conversation for real when i've already taken what i needed from it in my head?" It's a complicated task, being me lol.
Anyways, I will definately try to male an effort to write again, especially in the next week as the kids are going away to Wales with their dad for the week, so i get a whole week of hardcore fun and drugs, so hopefully I'll have lots of philisophical stuff to yabber about lol.
Right gotta go drink tea and wake up a bit-laters :)
Posted by Fayth at 7:49 AM 1 comments
Labels: misc
Saturday, 14 June 2008
a zen koan

Ikkyu, the Zen master, was very clever even as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Ikkyu happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Ikkyu asked: "Why do people have to die?"

"This is natural," explained the older man. "Everything has to die and has just so long to live."

Ikkyu, producing the shattered cup, added: "It was time for your cup to die."
Posted by Fayth at 9:45 PM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
A good day
Yo :) Don't know if anyone still reads this blog or not, but i wanted to write some stuff down, because it's been on my mind and stuff after today, and ive had quite a productive day actually, started off feeling a little down but managed to pull myself out of it and now i feel great. i have been skipping my weekly councelling sessions recently, because after i first went there i felt really awkward and didn't know 1. what was expected of me, 2. what the aims of councelling were and 3. i couldnt understand how it would help-i go through stuff in my mind so much, i analyze stuff and work stuff out and keep my mind fairly active in all this, so i didnt understand if there would be a point in the councelling where the councellor would say summit and "ping!" im suddenly healed and all is groovy again.
But anyways i went and i told my councellor all this, and she said there isnt really an aim to councelling...and before this session i thought it was a waste of time me going there because she couldnt tell me anything new and id already gone over stuff in my head constantly. But now after todays session i can kinda half see that it isnt summit she will say or do, it's all about purely just talking about it. and i didnt even think about what to talk about, i just talked and random stuff about my dad and childhood came out-stuff i wouldnt have thought about talking about-memories, but mostly we talked about the way i felt towards him and myself i think. and one question which has always bugged me is "was it really as bad as people make out?" and i always thought that no it wasnt, and people over reacted to my childhood, and that it wasnt that bad, because i coped, and because it was normal to me. and when i told my councellor this she said the question i should ask myself when i think this is "did it feel bad at the time?" and yes, it did. i hated feeling constantly anxious and aggressive-i realised that i was aggressive towards my dad alot of the time, and i hated that horrible stomach churny feeling where you are dreading the moment he is gonna walk in, and you hope he just falls straight to sleep on the floor or summit. my homelife-my dads anger and violence, the pain and tears and aches-they were the centre of my childhood, and it was so normal to me, and i always believed i grew up in a loving home, despite all that happened around me. now i feel a little weird-like im no longer part of it-its dark and past and gone and i stand up tall now and strong. though there is a dark part in me which hurts and screams and cries and is fucked up. But anyways, yup today was a groovy day, heh i even on the spur of the moment took the kids out-and we (all four of us) went paddling after school. So life is looking good :)
Posted by Fayth at 9:52 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself, past
Monday, 9 June 2008
Random thoughts
I really need to get back into the habit of writing. Actually, since Ive gotten the net back ive been feeling quite bored on it-it doesnt seem to appeal to me anymore, not really sure why. been playing anarchy online a bit, i like that game :) oh and learning the fun of roleplaying too! i like roleplaying-it allows you to live in a world of make believe, if only for a little while. it's fun, if a lil geeky.
Anyways, i have got stuff to say, and i will write more, it's just finding the motivation to retype it all onto the computer from paper.

oh before i go-i learnt how to play pierce myself and others, hehe i had a great play session with a yummy girly and my Master, heh was an interrogation scene, was muchos fun, and i give full credit to both of them-they make really scary interogators!

laters :)
Posted by Fayth at 10:41 AM 0 comments
Labels: misc
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Revenge And Justice
And I'm back yey :)
Okay so here's summit I written when I didnt have the net...i havent read back over it yet and yes i was high so it probably doesnt make much sense but anyways here it is...

Because i dont have the net atm i cant even post this to my blog, so i guess what im writing here really is just for myself eeep kinda scary, just me alone...in my mind...with my thoughts.

Okay so first thing i want to say is how my Master gets off on the whole punishment thing, as in, when ive really pissed him off he will punish me for it when we play, and it will make him feel better (? i think?) i soooooo do NOT like the whole punishment thing, in fact id go as far as to say it turns me off almost, makes me feel like not playing or being sexual at all, hmmm interesting to figure out why, one thing i do know for certain is in general, i do NOT believe in punishment, i believe in? revenge, in rehabilitation, in pay back, and in discipline....but i cant (yet?) believe in either punishment or even in justice, the reason why i cant (yet?) believe in justice is because there is no justice other than what you make for yourself...ie through revenge...because say someone hurt you and fucked you up or did you wrong in some way, surely its better to have personal revenge on them, rather than letting them become just another statistic in prison I kinda have to believe that id get much more satisfaction if i werent civilised or law abiding when it comes to revenge or “justice” (justice being the “civilised” oppressed and self denying persons pretty word for revenge). And, yes whilst that may be a little morally wrong, well revenge isnt about sticking to what's good and right. Revenge is simply hate and anger and cold white emotion, it's when you feel so full of hate and injustice and (ok this is a too mild word to use but hey i aint good with expressing myself so i guess its better to express myself mildly and blandly, than not at all right?) indignant that nothing good or positive can ever make it right, the only way to make it right again is to inflict pain and misery and torment upon that which has wronged you...and we're all aware (i think? I hope??) that whilst we're taking revenge it is morally wrong, it isnt nice and fluffy, and it isnt playing fair or by the rules...but THAT'S why it works so well and helps us to get over that which has fucked us up. And people cant admit this to themselves, because oh no that might make them slightly less civilised, tame...so they dress it up and give it a pretty new name....”justice”, and they hide behind the facade of “the law” and let the system eat the wrong doers up, and they pretend that justice has been served and that everyone's equal now....but because this is all just lies, they are lying to themselves and they DONT feel better for letting the law “take care of it” for them, it starts to eat them up inside and rot them, and they become bitter and angry and hurtful and abusive themselves, then they panic and think “shit im a bad person for feeling like this” so they shut down all feeling and emotion and passion for fear of themselves becoming something a little less than nice and civilised, because in their fucked up mind surely it's better to feel nothing and act pleasant to the world, than feel something for themselves, some sort of sinful passion that lets them feel truly alive. Surely it's better to turn the hate inside onto themselves than let it loose onto the outside world? Haha Bull. Shit. That's bullshit! Life is purely.....a perspective. And at the end of the day the only person you have to justify anything to is yourself. And so, selfish as it seems, it IS all groovy to hurt and inflict pain onto something or someone, if it makes you feel better. If they have wronged you, then they are basically saying “hurt me back, take the gloves off and HURT ME BACK BITCH”. And yes it may eat you up inside a little, inflicting pain upon that person...but after all if they have wronged you first then that's like giving up all their rights to not be hurt and avenged back.
Posted by Fayth at 5:55 PM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Still Alive :p
Just a quick post (im in the library at the minute, to let people know im still alive and kicking, havent been online because i havent had the net booooo. but getting it back soon so dont panic im not gone for good :p

had loads of thoughts and stuff,and i have written about some of them, but they are saved on my computer at home so cant post them atm :(

Longer posts soon, laters.
Posted by Fayth at 9:52 AM 2 comments
Labels: misc
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Digging out


I did something silly lately...about a week ago i thought i didnt need my anti D's/sedatives anymore, and i stopped taking them. Gah i hate being reliant on anything else. But in the past couple days ive realised that actually i should take them, because i can feel a difference, i just feel more out of control and a lot more grey and down, so oh well i guess ill tak the silly tablets for longer then. It pisses me off though coz we've just got hold of some Yaga (spelling?) which is a shamanic rainforest drug, used for vision quests and it's really quite potent, so i wanted to try it with Ceno and do a vision quest, but it's to dangerous to mix this stuff with the pills im on. So the vision quest will have to wait. Oh well, patience is a virtue right?
Posted by Fayth at 7:02 AM 1 comments
Labels: drugs, misc, wedding
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Dissecting my submission
My Masters post kinda got me thinking bout this. Where do my masochistic needs and urges come from? What about my submissiveness? It's all so complicated and hard to figure out but i think i got it cracked...just about. I reckon my masochism comes from a very dark place. When my dad would start on my mam or whatever and i could sense a fight or tension coming, i would often play up, i never knew why until recently, but now looking back i can pinpoint the whys of it. By being angry and arguementative myself, i could divert the focus away from my mam or brother or whatever it was causing my dad to go on a mental and turn it to me. He would get this look in his eye, this sneering look which made me even madder hehe, as it would anyone i think. I cant say he hasnt hit me in the past, but i can say that everytime i have directly challenged him he has backed down. I dont know why. But he knew that i also have a stubborn streak in me and that i dont back down-and i think he knew back then that had he carried on and gotten into a huge fight with me that he would have really fucked me up and ended up in serious trouble, or regretting it. Maybe. Anyways back to my point-i think this is part of where it comes from-i saw fights with my dad as a challenge, it was a weird and twisted kind of rush, that hah i fucking beat him, he backed down. and if it did come to physical blows....well yes it hurt, physical pain does kinda hurt lol, that's the point of it; but i can only imagine what my dad thought when i came right back for more and still didnt back down. im not trying to come off like a big tough person or whatever, coz i aint heh. I shamefully admit that many times when i knew he would be coming home drunk and angry i tried to make sure i was fast asleep so i didnt have to be in the middle of it-and im ashamed of this, but can admit to it. I think alot of masochistic urges can come from parts of our pasts-things we have experienced, habits we have picked up...with me it's part "look at me im tough i can take it" part challenge (i LOVE being challenged it's my favourite thing ever lol) and part of me just likes the pain coz it interests me...seeing how it feels, the sensations, different types of pain, and our responses to it.

So submission then. Why am i submissive? I mean it's weirded me out a little recently, seeing just how submissive i fel towards Ceno...it's a lil unnerving heh. I genuinely feel panicky and upset-deeply upset when i upset him or disappoint him. It's like something comes over me and all i can think of is making it all better again. Im scared im not a good sub (never mind slave!) for him, and i so want to be.
I dont act like alot of other subs act-they seem to be so respectful, and "together" within themselves. And im not. I have full complete respect for Ceno...but i have it because i believe he deserves it, he has earned it, i dont respect him "just because he is my Dom". And i do argue back way too much-alot of the time if i feel overly emotional i cant ignore these needs and i need them sorted out there and then. Which is a bad habit i know, and one i am trying to deal with.
Anyways back to the question-why am i submissive? This is even harder than the masochist question, but i think it's because i genuinely like to feel owned. It makes me feel safe and secure, which is even weirder since ive never been one for security, in fact usually i run from it hehe. But i think with Ceno ive found a place where i can fit and sit and watch the world whilst having lots of depraved dark fun and i dont feel a freak for the stuff i like. Submitting to Ceno fufils something dark and hungry in me, and the more i give, the more i want to give. It's fun, seeing just how far i will go...like a twisted little game of cat and mouse between the two of us though now i feel more on his side (as the cat) and the rest of the world including the nice side of me...is the mouse.
Posted by Fayth at 9:47 PM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Wolfs Shadow
My Masters blog

the above link leads to my Masters blog...so just thought i'd drop it in here so people can have a glance :) It aint as cool as my blog mind, but then not many are :p (okay okay im KIDDING!)
Posted by Fayth at 7:13 PM 0 comments
Labels: misc
Monday, 28 April 2008
My dark secret...
Okay so my head's about to pop. It's a very long story, but i guess i should explain a little bit if this post is to make any sort of sense. Basically my dad was an alcoholic abusive, violent man, and he would drink alot and then come home drunk to my mam, me and my younger brother. He would get angry over stupid things, and start fighting. He wou;d smash things, beat my mam and be generally abusive and violent and down right aggresive towards all three of us. He especially seemed to hate me, because i had a bit of a mouth on me when he got angry-i always felt like i had to stand up for my mam and brother because my mam wasnt strong enough to and my brother was younger than me. Anyway shit happens, as it does and there were a couple of times when i was 14 when he raped me, and touched me up. I was a young minded 14 year old and didnt know how to handle this. In fact it's been in this past year that i have handled all of my past, and faced what happened to me. So as the story goes, i turned 16 and left home. Eventually my mam left my dad and remarried, and my dad got a girlfriend. Who has two kids-an 8 year old and a 14 year old. He is violent to them. Abusive, drunk and violent. He uses emotional manipulation against them, like he did with me and my mam and brother. He has fucked my brother up, fucked my mam up and fucked me up...though ive managed to break free from his hold and am healing, thanks to Ceno. Anyway this family-i was worried about the kids living with him, because of the past and stuff, and because i know what he does to the poor kids. So i phoned child protection. They got back to me today saying that they were really glad i had come forwards and stuff and they were quite concerned about this family and they were already in contact with them and stuff, and they have regular contact with the mother. They want me to go forwards and tell the police and press charges against my dad, for raping me. They say it will help with his girlfriend, and her kids...basically she keeps going back to him and the kids really dont want him there. Im so unsure about all this. i want to do the right thing-i know when i was a kid, i wished almost everyday for someone to help us out of the situation-i begged my mam to leave him practically, but she never did...she just couldnt do it alone. So for that reason i want to go to the police and tell them, and sort it out...not for revenge, not to punish him, but to simply stand up and say "no i wont let you hurt another innocent". but then there are complications...i DONT feel angry towards my dad. my councellor says this was my coping mechanism when i was little-i can feel angry towards him for what he has done to my mam and brother, but when it comes to me...i just cant feel angry. i can forgive him for it. I dont excuse it-what he did was terribly wrong, but i can see why he acts the way he does...though i do understand everyone is responsible for their own actions. My dad was an expert at manipulation. He had a knack for making us all feel sorry for him, like he was the victim. He would get drunk, come home, beat my mam and then come and wake me and my brother and cry to us, saying how we all hated him and by the time morning came he would be gone and we'd never see him again. So im well aware now, that part of the reason i feel pity for him and am reluctant to hurt him is because of the way he has wormed his way into my head with his pathetic attempts at emotional blackmail. But it's still hard. Also if i go to the police it's just all gonna blow up and ill have to face repercussions-my brother is close with my dad and is on his side so much so that he refuses to believe he raped me, and has said that even if he did do it, i should still have him in my life because it "onlyhappened the once". i just wish i could make my past disappear. I'm struggling with dealing with the fact im part of my dad, that im connected to him in any way. i hate the fact he is connected to my past-i wish i could get out of this head fuck. Anyways, that's for now...i have just over 24 hours until social services phone me back to find out if im going to the police or not. Argh what's a girl to do?!
Posted by Fayth at 7:39 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself, past
Sunday, 27 April 2008
A rant
Okay so summit that has been on my mind for the past couple days is understanding the way people work, as in with mind games. I think we ALL play mind games, whether it's on a concious or a sub concious level. Recently I've had someone trying to play mind games with me, in what i would say is a pretty clever and calculated way. The first time this person played mind games with me, they almost won, in fact ifell for it at first and it was only after it was pointed out to me by about 5 different people some of whom know this person, some of whom had never met her before. Then i was able to sit back and analyze it all from a more objective point of view and see what was happening...usually emotion kinda overtakes me and i become unable to think of anything but what i am feeling at that exact time. Once i saw what was happening, i stopped letting it get to me, i learned how to deal with it, and things got better; and i no longer had the person who was fucking with my head in my life. Recently i had contact with her again however, and once again, she tried getting inside my head. She was angry that things had fucked up so bad between us and that she thought she was somehow being punished for the way things had turned out. Hmmm not likely. I have no time for people who hide behind lies and think they are above everyone else, when really, they are no better OR worse...they just simply are. Anyways, this time when she tried her games i was ready, and simply showed no response...sometimes no response is the best response.
This girl thinks that she is better than me, and that she can wrap me round her little finger and that im just some angry irrational half-psycho who doesnt see things. Well, i do see things. I see lots of things, and no-one, not even some self absorbed, head in the clouds, whining pathetic girl will make me stay down. Just a piece of advice :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:03 PM 4 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Saturday, 26 April 2008
The Creation
Once there was a girl, and she was comfortable and she loved and was loved. She was numb to life, pushed and pulled in others directions, wandering meaninglessly through life, desperately screaming inside for more. And then the Wolf came. And saw. See, Want, Take. It was his way. And he played a dangerous game and took the girl and enchanted her with his words and lust. She desired him, she desired the dark he showed her. Before him, she was a lost child trying to find her way. He turned her into something better. Hungry, Desirable, Primal. He killed the girl and all her false hopes. He turned the gril into his little whore. He too what he wanted and moulded it into me. He showed her a world full of desire and shadows and drugs and magic. Clean before him, stained only with her own confusions and the dark shadows of her past, he covered her in blood and got her addicted to the dark, to him. J'Adore la Wolfie. He showed her the real enemy, he showed her the real truth. She was his quickening, and he was her god. She was hungry for everything, nothing was ever enough for her. And he could always give more, he took the lead and she followed eagerly. And the corruption that he played with tasted so sweet.
I love you Master
Posted by Fayth at 10:32 AM 1 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Stuff
Had alot on my mind recently...stuff's been happening and I've overcome a lot of hurdles in my head too, which can only be a good thing right? So prepare for this post to be fairly muddled....which will definately make a change from the usual structured and sensible posts ;)

Self Control
Okay had a wake up about this. I have no self control. For me it's way too easy to follow my emotions, especially in the heat of the moment. Part of this is because of the way i see life...i see life AS emotion, so to me it's very important that we indulge in those emotions that we feel, as denying them is to deny ourselves right? Another reason why i have no self control is because of misplaced anger...i cant feel angry at my dad for the past, therefore i block it out yet the anger grows and grows and explodes in all directions, instead of focusing it in the right place. This i am working on. The last reason is, i think, because i grew up seeing raw anger and seeing my dad having hardly any self control over his emotions. Though weirdly up until, um, last night lol, i always thought my dad was a fairly self controled person, but now i see he just bottled it up and he did what i do now to an extent, where he would feel angry (in his case the anger he felt was towards himself) but because he couldnt face it he would instead get angry at everything else and bottle it up but when he had had a drink his false self control would slip and his anger would come out.
Ceno was talking to me about self control last night and when i said that i thought my dad had self control he pointed out that self control is not doing something that you know will make you lose control. In my dads case drinking alcohol. Ceno pointed out that if my dad had any real self control then he would have avoided alcohol because he knew it made him lose his self control, therefore my dad is not a very self controled person, because he knew what he was like after having a drink and how much he hurt us all yet he still went and drank anyways. This helps alot, and yes it should have been obvious for me to see myself but well, i couldnt...when it comes to my family i do need things pointing out at times.

Other Stuff
Hmmm other stuff...well, lots have happened...just been enjoying each day as it comes really, and im learning to let things go. Ive also really learned how to be rational now, okay well MORE rational...
when i feel angry or upset or like im going to a bad place ive learned how to stop, step outside myself and think rationally....like Naz said to me when she came up the other week, that it's not that you are dismissing the way you feel, you are just simply putting things on hold and if you still feel the same in a couple days then deal with it then, that way you dont lose yourself in the heat of the moment. I still need a lot of practice on this but i definately am getting there.
So i dont have a sub anymore...i LIKE being in the mindset of a domme, i LIKE being patronising-okay i LOVE being patronising, and i found it fun...but im worried, because (again, thanks to Naz) that when i do get the control, i havent a clue what to do with it...in fact it's so much so that i feel like i should be doing things to the sub that THEY want me to do, which would be totally pointless and make it all fall apart anyways. So i really need to learn what to do with the power when i do get it and all will be groovy.
Found out my dad is probably going to prison in June. I dont know how i feel about this. I guess im glad, because at least them he wont be able to hurt anyone else and also it may help him by helping him face a few facts. I have a letter i wrote to him, but i dont know if i should send it to him, there's stuff in there he doesnt want to face.
Well thats it for now :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:40 PM 0 comments
Labels: misc, myself
Stupid Girl (a poem)
red like the blood in my veins
red oozing gooey stuff
dont spill any on the kitchen floor
pain is a gift
my gift from them
dont lose it, use it
dont lose it USE IT
stupid fucking bitch
ill fuck you up
fuck you and leave you for dead
when you do the washing up

Wash away the dirt
wash away the evidence
a broken cry in a stifled soul
she hurts and no-one will save her
her friends are young, her heart is numb
feels dirtier than the spilled rubbish
on the kitchen floor
i remember it well
will run away and start again
but not today

there's glass on the floor
brown on the wall
hole in the door
monster under the bed
no point crying, i aint weaker than him
wont cry, wont let my salty hurt flow
fuck him, i dont care
never cared
only cared about the silent cries

creep round corners
dont make a sound
creeping creeping
steal his change for bread
steal his wisdom and keep it under the floor
hate hate confusing the minds of the young
keep us safe, dont fail us now
hard to shut your eyes when there's
bloody glass in my thoughts

lost me lost me
cost you your life
my cross to carry, the sins of my father
girlish innocence lost
i never had a barbie
barbie sucked anyways
lost me lost me
and he doesnt even care
i see the anguish in his eyes

daddy daddy i loved you so much
you failed me so bad
keep trying to drain my power
fuck off its all mine
i won it, found it on the floor
he hates me, i should be dead
i wish i was gone, could fly away on wings of steel
his pain is still mine

i mourn for a girl who stood strong
defiance in her eyes, never take my power
mourn for a mother
who got lost along the way
lost her hope, lost herself
find her again
mourn for a boy with an angry mind
dont mock us just...fuck off
ill fight the world today

my sweet pain
my black heart
my twisted soul
my bruised neck
when life comes down and rips through your world
when the scent of fear fills your nostrils
when sleep only brings the nightmares
i cry
take them away, i scream for safety
i hate it all
my lesson learned

stupid girl you never should
stupid girl just bow down
stupid girl take the slap
stupid girl dont fight back
stupid girl im always right
STUPID MAN not this time
ill cry tomorrow, when there's no-one around
childish rage.....and he knew
my rage now....and he'll never know
Posted by Fayth at 7:05 AM 0 comments
Labels: misc, myself, poems
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Time

People come and go, their lives change, they themselves change...all passing through this vast energy line of feelings and emotions and volcanic eruption. I miss my past. I miss who I was, where I was. But as much as I miss it, I realise that I can never go back...this cycle doesn't go backwards, just forwards, with time plodding slowly but mechanically on and on. Sometimes I feel like I could stand in the centre of it all and scream, a loud shrill painful scream, making the noise to make it stop, to let me off, to stop dragging me with time, but the rules apply to me too, there is no getting off, no stopping the ride, choice there. I must go forwards, and with each passing second, it takes me closer to my destiny, my fate, my death.
Posted by Fayth at 6:33 AM 0 comments
Labels: philosophy
More past ramblings...
Find it quite hard to post new philosophical posts on here unless im high...so thought today id post another piece that i wrote a while ago...(im not crazy im not crazy im NOT crazy!!!)

it comes when im in a certain state of mind. voices, thoughts, feelings and strong emotions which makes me doubt they are mine. i feel something dark and disturbed within me, yet at the same time my being feels connected and calm and...closet to peace than what ive felt in any other state. and in this world..this world which i dont get and never will, i feel so alone sometimes....i watch as the world and life and time passes me by...and my phyiscal body passes with it. but my soul screams and howls and yearns for more...for it all to stop, for it all to carry on. and it gets too much and the colours gain colour and go bright and the noise and electricity and crackling energy power starts to close in on me and it becomes too much and i start to feel a slight madness creeping in and it un-nerves me and makes me conflicted because half of me says no, no madness...stay sane stay sane, in madness you'll lose yourself and everything else and the other part of me wills the madness to come, wills myself to let it all go and let my mind be free yet lost, and to just let my insane part take me where it takes me.
and all my life ive felt unsettled and rushed and blank yet so full of stuff that it pushes so much to get out that nothing gets out and i come across as just...like i dont care. and i even tell myself that i dont care....but i do and i dont. and ive fought myself for so long....told myself im free, im happy and light and good...but im not. theres a deep roaring gaping black hole in me, it cuts right through me and twists me up so much and whatever is in there takes pleasure from my pain and suffering, this thing in me both loves me and hates me and it comforts me and it knocks me down. and i see other people, other humnas....we cant be humans, because our energies...when they die....we are no longer human. so maybe we are human now but we chnage into something else when our phyiscal bodies die. and they all put so much value on their lives on this earth and value on planet earth n i dont get it because we cant be the centre of it all. i think the answers all lie in our own minds...we know the knowledge, we just forgot somewhere. we value meaningless stuff and i try to understand why and try to make myself care...about stuff...bjt i dont. and ive never thought about why we're all here before, and ive just got on with it....fighting and pain and bum towns and stupidness and stuff...ive just accepted it all as life...but i cant accept anything as fact anymore. there's something else, something else out there that calls to us, calls to us all, only we dont hear it because of all the noise. and this thing is in each and every one of us. and its in me and ive finally stopped making my noise and started listening and trying to understand. and im listening properly now, and i feel the struggle in me, feel the turmoil, the hate and anger and rage and passion and jealousy and destruction all stirring in me, in my black pit which has different bits of me floating in it. and i realise that for so long...for all my life, i have ran away...when i was 16 i left....to escape my dad and the anger and fear and hate. i thought that by leaving and putting it out of my mind that it would be gone...only, it didnt go. and i left town after town. blaming bordem. i was running away from something and searching for something, all at the same time. only now, now my noise has stopped im starting to hear what im being told. im not running now, im facing my demons...im facing myself. and it all could have stayed the same and id have lived a life fuill of frustration and sanity and safety and sunshine...only, it wouldnt have been real. and i met him..i met him and i didnt understand. and he makes me so damn mad sometimes, yet he makes me safe and makes me want and makes me feel and makes me really real. he showed me who i was, he showed me the dark, the shadows, the magic, the colours. and i want him, i want to be in him and make him happy and make him mad with emotions. i wanna get under his skin and i wanna be at his feet, and its dangerous, because what if one day i was left...in the dark he has shown me, and i wouldnt know what to do, but it might be okay because i like the dark, its addictive and dangerous and it's sanctuary. and it's okay also because just the fact that im saying "it'll be okay" means im trying to convince myself as i think it wont be okay...and okay is boring so i wouldnt want that anyways so i should stop thinking that. desire is entrapment...thats what he said. thats what he said when we talked the first time. and oh god he was right. desire...its like a drug. and before him who was i? a puppet, a robot, playing the part but wanting more and more...always i want and need more. everything, i want everything. nothing's ever enough and it never will be. then again, im not a future seer, so maybe im wrong and one day enough will be...enough. and ive felt two different types of love....okay more than two but two types of love in a sexual way. a childhood sweetheart type of love, the kind you think lasts forever til one day you wake up and realise...it doesnt. and the second more dangerous, burning type of love...addictive, deep, dark, overwhelming, powerful. the type of love that devours you and makes you hate and angry and it eats at you and makes you conflicted inside yet you want it, you need it...you hunger for it, for him. i like that. i like that love. wolfie love. he teaches me. he humiliates me and fills me with many conflicting feelings, but in those feelings is freedom. and a reason to go on and live. and i say i hate goths and everything but...they feel alone to. we're all alone as a species. we all feel hate and anger and lonely...so lonely and afraid. and in feeling their pain and seeing their pain i dont feel so alone or freaky or weird because feeling like you dont understand the world and the people in it because you dont feel what they do, you feel completely different and it shows and its not a cutsie goth thing or endearing or attention grabbing...its real and it hurts and maybe if i could maybe id click my fingers and make me fit in, only i cant and i dont think i would anyways because i hate what they like and i see how pointless it is, i dont see why they cant feel this...lurking moving huge darkness that crawls through us all. and something's coming, something's pissed and it's gonna make us pay...it's gonna squish us and take what it wants...only we're so pathetic and pointless it wont even want anything. just to take our nature. just our centre, our being. and i feel crazy sometimes, like i feel really insane and i feel the control and care just slipping from me, and i will for things to happen and they happen and it makes me want more and want to do it more only i dont know how and i dont know how i do it but i feel it, in me. and theres another world out there, like ours, only different. and the people in it arent human. well, they might be, only they are different. they have more power, more wisdom, more knowledge. and everyone lives in their own mind, to create their own personal hell or heaven, and there are some real humans from our planet there too. in there and i feel others, like me, only its harder now to go there, i dont feel the need or the openess to go there so it fades slightly, only the memory of it is there and the other real humans there know yet once back in this world they cant find each other, so they once again feel alone. and i dont know anymore. doubt is there, conflict and clarity...all mixed up. and i went to a psychiatric place, as a teen, just the once...i was scared and thought i was going crazy and i wanted it out of my head so i could be like everyone else. and they told me they could make it stop and offered pills but....i just couldnt do it. as much as id have liked to get it out of me, as much as id like to have had it gone, i knew if i did, id lose something, something i might need, something i might use later on. and so the horrible feeling of being a huge fucking outsider is worth it...because i have something in me, and im finally understanding it, only now that i understand that it might have a reason, i understand that i understand nothing and that everythings so muddled and fucked up. and i try to belong still, only i dont. i dont belong. not here, this is not my home. only i kinda do belong because i belong with him, ive found a piece of something that i want and that i feel something in him which calls to me and i feel drawn to him and when i think, i realise like it, and i dont want it to stop.
and these feelings in me have fought a long hard battle...and im not the stupid little girl i once was, believing the world at its face value. im fucked up and im twisted and i dont mind, this black dark fury in me feeds off me and i feed off it and finally ive found my power and strength and i can stand and see now. and he has shown me the world i can be part of. the world of dark magic and black shadows. the world of truth and pain and desire and knowledge. and i want to be a part of this world, i think. its weird thinking it because i had decided the world was shit and pointless, but now....now im seeing where i could fit in. and maybe i wont fit in. maybe ill get there and ill still think its pointless, but at least ill have experienced it and tried it and tasted it. and gained some sort of contentment for a while from it.
and i need to learn how to understand the part of me which knows things and feels things. feels things which i know are not mine. i have to learn how to understand them, because they are there in me, coming to me for a reason....and if no reason then thats fine...but id still like to know why they come to me with no reason. i wont die, or fall, or be beaten anymore. im growing and gaining a dark power and im getting stronger...i feel this much in me as mine.
Posted by Fayth at 6:28 AM 0 comments
Labels: myself, philosophy
Monday, 21 April 2008
One groovy-assed weekend
Okay so I'm ready to write a little about my weekend now. Wasn't going to but decided I don't really care who reads this-I had a really good time and well, I'd like to write about it so I can remember it really vividly. (Though tbh it wasn't the type of time that i would forget easily anyways)
So I met someone this weekend, a new friend I made. She is ACE! Seriously so laid back and chilled and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could be my own dirty little self around her because usually I hide certain parts of myself to most other people because I don't know, most people wouldn't understand.
We had a weekend of heavy playing, which involved lots of blood and blade play hehe, ouch my poor body aches so much...okay okay i'm not sorry it aches heh, i quite like it :p
Looking forwards to seeing her again, and hopefully meeting her boyfriend next time too-though it was pretty intense having two dom/mes on me this time, so i can only imagine what it's like to have three at once hehe. Maybe next time I'll resist more, i always get off on a good struggle, though as N pointed out I wouldn't have a fucking clue what to do if i actually did win hehe.
She is also really good to chat to, and we had a lot of very interesting conversations, i even managed to get a better understanding of where my masochistic urges may come from, let's just say it's not from a place full of bunnies and rainbows and sparkles. Heh.
So thanks N for a really good time this weekend, both me and Ceno enjoyed it lots and it's always good to make a new friend. :)
Posted by Fayth at 3:56 AM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, misc
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Growing
Yes, I'm still alive :) Not been around for a couple days because well, because I've been busy with other things heh, which I won't really go into here.
So I've finally conquered my mental block of irrationality. Yey! Uusally I'm a really irrational person, alot of my actions are based on emotions and how i feel right there, in the heat of the moment. I've tried so hard in the past to get rationality, and to have it for myself, but up until now I've never actually achieved it. Ceno has tried desperately to explain how to have self control and how to be rational, hell, my ex strawb's tried too in the past to explain these seemingly simple concepts to me. I guess it's one of those things where you learn it when you are ready. Well, I reckon I'm ready! I have it now! I'm not gonna go into details or anything, so I know that means there aint much point me writing this in my blog but well so what it's my damn blog and I'll write whatever rambled jumbled up nonsense I want! Let's just say I managed to step outside my irrational snappy anger and realise that I had no reason to be snappy and that if I need help then I should just ask, rather than expect people to be a mind reader...
So yes, I've learned a lot this past weekend...it's been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, and I made a new friend :)
Posted by Fayth at 8:35 PM 0 comments
Labels: myself
Friday, 18 April 2008
My enlightenment
(can you tell im in a really philosophical mood today?)...this was written last july by me, about the time i really started opening up my mind and seeing the world differently. i think ive come a long way since then, but it's interesting to see how i thought when it all first started...

its so clear now. im writing this because maybe by writing things down i can try to understand them, or at the very least remember them, if i should ever forget and try to bury it all again. its a struggle. but people-the ones you see going off to buy new stuff that they dont need-cars, shoes, tvs-they shut themselves off from it all. so they never have to deal with the real struggle-the biggest struggle one will ever have to face is themselves. im facing myself right now and fuck its hard. i think on some level i think im losing my mind, but, deep down i know-i remind myself-that THEY want me to believe that. because people who try to become enlightened like me scare them. they grind us down and sedate us with their antidepressants and their medication-they see how our minds are growing and expanding and they coin some medical term for it-"oooh you're feeling bad are you? you're DEPRESSED! here, have some of these tablets, they'll soon have you feeling sedated and normal again!" and so, some of these on-their-way-to-enlightenment people take these pills and their minds get crushed down again. they try to lead us to believe that because we are feeling like this that there is something wrong with us, that we need treatment. they use fancy phrases like "pyschosis" to describe us-FUCK THEM. they arent having my mind, not now, not ever. i see right through them-all their little scams to try and keep us down,keep us dumb,keep us below them. because if we knew the truth about the world,about how it REALLY works, then all the big business suits and corporate arseholes would FALL. if we, as humans, should look up to anyone on this planet,then give the credit to people who really deserve it. music bands who give us the truth in their music-angry music, calming music, intense music, music with a beat, whatever. or to poets, who write great pieces of literature. look at the fighters of the world-fighting oppression, fighting in justice,fighting for the rights of all living creatures-no better,no worse, just different. or look to the great thinkers of the world-the ones who question everything and see the truth. dont fucking idolise the idiots who make lots of money and never question anything-money is a screen-its not real. its their game-their game because they make the rules of it as they go along, so they always come out on top. you dont need stuff. your perception IS your reality. it really is. and yes its scary-so scary,when it finally hits you and you open your eyes and look around-its well fucking scary-but its a good thing. youve got the whole world to explore-expand your mind, don't take anything-ANYTHING-at face value-always question it, always look to try and refute it, always keep looking for another angle. even stuff you believe in-hell, i WANT my beliefs to be challenged. that way,if i come out of it with the same beliefs,(which i doubt i will) i know they are good strong solid beliefs. and this is so new to me. i can see the world for how it is-zombies-most of us are zombies and we walk around wishing we had this or could do that and we worship false gods and make role models and heroes out of idiots just because they are famous for the sake of being famous. and from that we get insecurities about our bodies-that we are too fat, too thin, and it's never enough for us. fuck that. im glad to be me-with all my insecurities and blemishes and fucked-up-edness. i like being me. id rather be me than be anyone else in the world. and when you let people see that you have freed your mind and that you stand liberated from the death-grip of this hellish society, theyll mock you, or tell you that you're ill, or that you need help. no, THEY fucking need help. we're the free ones. we're the ones who, even though we may be a little afraid, we're not too afraid to step out into the great unknown and open ourselves up to the REAL world. no good, no bad, just different. just energy. one energy, flowing through the planet. it belongs to us all, and we are all one.
and yes i panic that "omg! they're gonna realise the way i think and look it up in their lil textbooks! and-GASP!-then they'll know! they'll know and they'll come for me and try to grind me down again!" well fucking let them come. im not afraid. i'm not alone anymore. i've found what im looking for and im not letting go-ill go where it takes me ill grow and see the world. and the suits can rot.

to know something is to know that you will never know enough about it
Posted by Fayth at 9:30 AM 2 comments
Labels: myself, philosophy
When I'm high...
Was reading through some of my old stuff this morning, that ive written mostly when ive been high on pills. this is a bit i wrote back in january, but reading it i can feel warm inside knowing ive felt all this, and that if i look hard enough i can feel it again. it sounds kinda nutty i agree when i write about not believing any of this is real, but when you read it try to forget everything else you think you know about our existence and read it with an open mind. Would love to know what others views are on this subject, this is the one thing that has me hooked on opening up my mind more...

its impossible to know until you've been there and tried it for yourself. and every inch of my body right now is itching and screaming to create create create. to get dirt on my hands and make something beautiful. to wrench out my guts and stuff them back in again just so i've made something new. and instead ill sit here and write crap that when i'm not high ill think wtf yet the drugs...something in them opens your mind and damn i cant stay away, cant stay away and give up my right to creation and freedom and mind freeing diving digging screwing. and the words and colours and touch is in me, and they are itching begging hurling to come out yet i just dont have that kind of knowledge yet, i'm getting there and iim on the right track but still i have to be patient and wait and watch and learn and grow. and the right way is there, waiting for us all to reach out and touch it and i feel like i've finally saw it and its beautiful and haunting and scary and colourful and once i step there my mind is gonna be blown away and my whole perception of what this -THIS- all is is gonna change and know and ill see. and i see, in my mind, right now...i see, i see the world how it is...it isn't a physical thing, thats only what our minds tell us so that we have a way of perceiving it and understanding it better. there's beautiful ebs of energy and its yellow and a brilliant green, and it's twirling and making prettyness everywhere and it's like nothing else you could ever see or even begin to imagine. like blobs of coloured oil merging with a grey watery pit and the colours all melt into one, and thats what we are...thats our energies and our essence and we all move and swim and feel and breath, only it's not our physical bodies that make us enchanting, it's our minds. and i don't know why we are here, all i know is that we are and we have forgotten and that the fact we were supposed to forget is what was supposed to happen an so its ok...no need to feel fear, because its the design, the plan....and we need to learn how to remember, only, i am now...im remembering and i feel how i float in a coloured dream and everything's vivid and untouchable and yet, you can touch it and feel it, only you don't feel with your skin you feel it inside, in your gut, and its a free yet safe and amazing feeling, like, you are one and connected and you don't have a seperate body or mind or thought, you just are one...with the universe, and you can feel what the universe feels, and it does, feel. yet...we are here. our minds tell us that we are here, and i don't exactly know why, but its a struggle and a hunt and it seems that i can stop the struggle and the hunt, i just have to disbelieve my reality and my perceptions and understand that in knowing nothing is the first step and the closet we will ever probably come to knowing everything.
and it intrigues me and i want to know, what it all looks like, i mean, us...our energies and souls and our world and everything, i want to know how it looks, from a long way away. it is small, yet, big. it's nothing as it's all in our minds, we created it all, yet...it is everything. it's our whole world and more...only we can change it, because it's all in our minds and we can choose to shut our minds and only see what we think we see and know, or we can open our minds and remember and see and know and feel the connection and the other side. hicks never said it better than when he said we are the imagination of ourselves....this whole world...earth...its just a game, a big complicated game that we have invented to keep our impossibly complex minds amused. but i want to see more now...i don't want to be trapped here, only seeing what i tell myself i see anymore. i want to let my mind explore.
and yes, if a person not on drugs read this, they'd almost certainly think that it was a stereotypical writing/sight/train of thought of a person on drugs and it was just the drugs and the fact i'm not completely in control of my mind right now. but drugs help you to let go and rid yourself of the chained up grey solid perceptions and help you to open up and see the real true truth. and the drugs seem to do something else, too. they carve out your creativity, they force you to want to create and destroy and tear down and build something new. they force you to want to get messy and smear your art up your arms and fuck up and write and hurt and smash everything just to see how it all falls down, because it's beautiful like that. and the guys who let their creativity out when on drugs and they create great pieces of inspiration and just raw beauty and angst....and then they kill themselves...they don't die, they just let go. and the truth and the knowledge can sometimes fuck you up so much, that THAT is why they do it, that is why they end their time on this earth...maybe once they've done it they realise that "wow, i didn't die...im still here and wow, now my energies are free and floating and i can see and merge now" and they probably deserve it, because if theres one thing this world needs at all, if theres one thing this race needs....it's real raw art. the kind that drags you in, where you can feel so much pain and angst and anger and peace and love...and acceptance...all at the same time.
Posted by Fayth at 8:56 AM 3 comments
Labels: drugs, philosophy

Past posts

Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Yeah great....so now what?
Okay so I guess this is the place where I can feel alright about talking about the shit that's been happening, with my dad and the court and everything else. I feel funny talking about it with anyone else, like I think they probably feel I should shut up and get over it, by now. Though I know that's probably not the case, but well, my mind ya know?

Okay so the court happened earlier this week. Went up to Middlesbrough, DREADING it, feeling sick to my stomach and everything else, even going as far as to wish I would get run over or something silly, so that I didn't have to face this and go through with it. Once I got there....memories, sweet yet painful memories...of where I lived, of how I lived, though it did feel kinda like home. I stayed in a hotel. I kept looking out onto the streets, looking at everyone, half hopeful, half fearful....would I see my dad? Chances were slim, and no I did not see him.

It started to get dark and I was in my hotel room reading my book (GOOD book btw) when the phone rang...it was the barrister. He said that my dad at the last minute had changed his plea to guilty, and that I wouldn't have to show up for court in the morning now, as there would be no trial. He said the sexual abuse wouldn't be charged as he had been very drunk at the time and because it wasn't the worst of the abuse. To be honest, I agree with him. I can not care about the sexual stuff, it was weird, it confused me and I didn't know how to hanmdle it, but...it didn't affect me like the rest of it did. The barrister said that the sentance was twelve months in prison, suspended for two years, community service and also speciual restrictions around children...the official sentancing wouldn't be passed until January, so I won't know exactly what until then.

So, did doing this make life peachy again? Well no. No it bloody didn't. How am I supossed to feel now? Nothing. I still feel pain. I still hurt. Still ache and have that horrible gaping aching hole inside me, deep inside that just won't go away. I lost my dad. I lost my innocent view on the world. I lost part of myself, my past, my whole being. I lost my dad. I lost him. I'll never ever have a dad again, and that really fucking hurts. I should stop my bitching about it most likely, as I know there are people out there who have never had a dad but well...they aren't me. And it isn't about not having a dad, it's about not having my dad about losing him, about the way things turned out, the way they went.

And I still care. Damn me for caring. Damn the whole world. I worry, if he is sick, or unhappy. I worry that he might feel sad, or upset. Or sorry. I hurt so bad that he will never get to hold or love or be around his grandkids. I needed him. No I didn't. I'm much stronger than he is. I'm stubborn like him, aggressive, like him. Violent sometimes even, less so than him.

And I hate myself for doing it. For taking him to court. I'm selfish. Incredibly so. Yet, it wasn't me, not my fault. I wasn't the one who did all those horrible things to me my mum and brother. He did. Yet I feel bad. Why?

The only way I know how to deal with this is to shut it out, not think about it, not feel it. I can't feel it, I wish I could, I've tried. I've cried, I've begged Wolfie to show me how to feel it, yet...I can't. I want to. But I don't know how to make myself feel angry at him instead of at the rest of the world. I need help, but no-one can help me, I don't think...
Posted by Fayth at 7:30 PM 2 comments
Labels: dad, misc, myself, past
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Calms and Storms
So today I feel calm. Calm and centred and....normal, how I imagine most other people get to feel most days. Took speed last night which means that for about two days now I'll feel good and calm and able to function better. I wish I could achieve this calm feeling without the speed, I do. I think I'm going to go to the doctor and talk to him about it, I have all the symptoms of ADHD, and speed...well it makes me feel good and able to deal with the world and just able to function really well. I guess thye downside is it makes me not wanna eat for about two days afterwards as well, and being 7 and a half stone in weight means I shouldn't really let myself go two days without eating....but oh well I'll make up for it afterwards lol.

So yes I'm happy today. Though come Monday I'll be traveling to Middlesbrough to court, as the big trial starts then with my dad...NOT looking forwards to it. At all. But enough of that, I'm not thinking of it coz I just remembered how calm and centred I feel and I don't wanna risk losing that.

What else? Oh been playing hard as usual, been playing more like how we did in those first months, and wow it's good! Intense, scary, but exhilerating...I love it!

Right well that's it really just wanted to tell the world how calm and centred I feel right now....hah maybe the calm before the storm? Best not be!
Posted by Fayth at 10:59 AM 2 comments
Labels: drugs, myself
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
My mind, my dad
Okay so the whole shit with my dad has gone to court...and I'm a witness...it's in December and blah I feel shit. I don't want it. I don't want it at all. I don't want any of this. It's been over two years now, two long years since I saw him, and although my memory of him has faded a little, I still remember little things about him...the way he would smile, or the way he'd get angry, the way he'd smell when he got in from work...that smell is still one of my favourite and most hated smells, at the same time.
And my brother...I miss him too. He took my dads side, refuses to believe what he knows he does...and so yeah I miss him too.
I feel desperate when I think of it all. Broken hearted, and not in a good way. Like it's this black piece of hurt inside me which can never be fixed...or maybe it could, but at what cost?
I have thought recently about writing my dad another letter...I did write him one over a year ago...only he never responded, never even acknowledged it. I think I wanted him to acknowledge stuff, but he never did. I think if I could tell him anything right now, anything I wanted to, anything at all...it would be that I don't hate him. I felt anxious around him most of the time, never knowing what would set him off, but...I always loved him. I don't judge him for his actions either, though saying that I see why he acted the way he did-he got my mam pregnant with a kid he didn't want and wasn't ready for (me) and felt pushed into marriage...and he saw his father drunk and angry and violent...so whilst I see the reasons he acted that way, I also realise they are not an excuse for his behaviour, but I don't hate him for it, god knows I did when I was little and he would do something horrible to my mam or scare my brother or get angry and drunk and domineering or whatever, I'd feel reel hate then...for what he did to my family, not for what he did to me. I was stronger than him. Always have been. He would say to me sometimes that "you're not like them (them being my brother and my mam) you're like me...you're smart, clever...you're not as smart as i am but you are smart. Not like your brother he's like your mam...daft, they're idiots but you...you're like me". Well, yeah, kinda. I am smart. But whilst he was cunning and also had brains, I am smart in a different way to him. I watch. I see. I can make decisions that aren't based entirely on my emotions in the heat of the moment. The one thing I take from him though, is my stubborness. He was stubborn, I was stubborn. When it came down to it, usually, I was the more stubborn, or at least the one willing to fuck it allll up in order to "win". If he put my mam down or called her names or hit her or whatever, I'd stand up to him...I wouldn't have won if it had come down to a physical fight between the two of us but fuck it....she was scared of him...I was too but in a different way...or maybe I was just the more stubborn that I didn't care. I'd stand up to him and scream at him or yell and he'd give me this look...like he was half amused, half infuriated, like he wanted to rip me apart...but he never did. There were a few times we did get physical but never to the extent he did with my mam. He'd choke me or pin me against a wall or whatever, but I'd fight back...we were both angry, stubborn, and both had a taste for violence...or maybe that's where I get my taste for violence from, is him. He was always emotionless to others too...even to my brother and my mam...it's like he saw me as his special girl...he saw my mam as weaker than him, and my brother too. But me and him had this unspoken thing...we had the same temper, the same aggressive side, only I didn't show mine, except in defence. I think on the inside, everytime we came face to face like that, with aggression, I secretly willed and wanted for him to not back down, to see what would happen, for him to lace into me, for me to fight back...I don't know why, I just craved the destruction...of me, of him..of the whole family...I hated the situation, everytime he would come in drunk and violent we'd end up walking round the steets afterwards half the time in the early hours of the morning, my mam would turn to me crying and ask "what do I do??" and I'd tell herto leave him...but she never would. "It'll be alright in the morning." Pah. What shit. Sure the throwing things and the violence and the tears and the fear had gone by morning but FUCK! I was still mad! You don't just get to wake up and it's gone like that! Where was our apology off him? We never got one. I was still angry. Fucked up by it. But then, everyone is fucked up by something and if we weren't...we'd all be pretty two dimensional right?
Heh don't know why I wrote all this...I just needed to get it out coz what with the stoopid police sending me letters on the stupider court thing it's kinda been forced into the front of my mind. Humph.
Posted by Fayth at 10:17 PM 1 comments
Labels: myself, past
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Hungry Cravings
Really craving something real at the minute. Something extreme, something that I can feel. Had a realllly hard whipping at the weekend and I fucking loved it! Was prolly about the third hardest whipping I ever had, but god it felt good! And did blood play too-got cut then the cut was whipped etc hard and it hurrrrt even more but oh so yummy!

Now though I want-I want to cry, I want to be made to crawl and beg and grovel, I want to be hurt and to whimper and squeal, I want to feel utterly degraded and broken down, because it is only when I feel like this that I feel truly free. I want to suffer and know that my suffering is bringing amusement or pleasure or whatever else it brings to my Master. I want to scream and shout and yell and tear down the whole damn world and watch it all melt away and just...be. I want -crave- something so real and so extreme that it takes my breath away, like a hunger that will never be satisfied, yet I will keep going until it is...and then hunger for even more.

More...because nothing is ever enough for me, there is no such thing as too much, because I can never give up, or say "no more-I can't go any further." And it is tiring at times and sometimes I wanna lay my head down and sleep forever, but...I can't. Because this is life to me, and without that hunger that raw real stubborn refusal to quit and be content, I wouldn't be anything, I just wouldn't be me.
Posted by Fayth at 12:37 PM 1 comments
Labels: D/s, myself
Friday, 28 August 2009
Weddings, family and kink :)
Well time for another rambly post me thinks. Alot has happened recently, hmm where to start? I know let's start with the fun and interesting stuff-with a bit of kink thrown in there.

We have played quite a bit lately, by played I mean played ina dom/sub way...BDSM. One thing we haven't done much is fear play, not in the direct fear play way we did about a month ago-it was AWESOME. We had friends round, they come round every month and at one point in the night I was naked, and sitting resting back against Ceno and he had some blades, and one of his swords...and he was tracing the knife blade all over my skin, just hard enough to leave red marks but not hard enough to cut...in the past when we play with blades we always cut, the feel of it cutting into your skin and the red coming out-it's just so relieving, anyway I'm getting off point here...he was tracing the blade all over me, across my nipples, my toot toot, inside my slit, my throat-everywhere and it WAS a very nervy feeling, sepsite the fact I love being cut! Then he tied me with my arms above my head and again took a blade, this time a shapr fresh razor blade and was again going overmy body I could feel how hot I was getting, razor blades are SHARP! Then he told me to stick my tongue out and he tried to cut it, I quickly stuck it back in and was like "omg you're gonna cut me-you're gonna cut my tongue!" To which he replied with "stick it back out"...So I did...and yeah he cut it lol, only a bit, but it was still scary! Up until that point I had been "safe" as he hadn't actually cut me but then msuddenly that safe feeling was stripped away and...I fainted! Haha I just felt my heda spinning and then nothing..I was out cold! When I came to I was on the floor and he was over me, kneeling down, speaking softly to me, I felt a bit silly haha, especially since our friends were there, though they were busy with their own kink so they only half paied attention lol. Afterwards he made me a cuppa tea-gotta have tea! And made sure I was alright...but that night of fear play was soooooo good-I LOVE fear play! I guess it will be hard to recreate that level of fear and intensity though since I have had it once now, but it'll be fun finding out!

Also, hypnotism. Now Ceno has treied once before to hypnotise me, but didn't get anywhere as I just couldn't let go and relax...I am not thge sort of girl that relaxes easily, I'm...very highly strung in that way lol. But this wekend, I ended up fucking myself up tooo much, I should have had a rest from taking drugs, but...me being me, I didn't. And I felt horrible...like I was dying haha, that's not me being dramatic *grins*. I felt sick and shaky and unsettled and just really really crap. So crap that I after having a conversation with Ceno and a mate of mine about how he would give it a go to hypnotise her to help her get over some personal issues she had, I was practically begging him to try it on me, to see if he could help me feel better, as he always says to me that we CAN control our own bodies and all that jazz.
So he tries...I lay down and try to relax-letting go this time wa ALOT easier because of how shit I felt, and he managed to relax me loads and put me in an hypnotic state, it was the most relaxing, wowza experience ever...when I came out of it I was soooo relaxed I couldn't even make my limbs move lol, they felt so heavy and sleepy, and my mind? It was flying-it felt good and relaxed, we had a huge discussion then, about everything...the way I act, my lack of self control, what we both want, and the way our relationship is/was. We agreed to both be honest at all times with each other now, about what we want etc, and also we decided to make our relationship alot more hardcore than before, but I won't mention how on here-it's just in relation to us really, rather than a specific thing, but...it's working! I like the level of intensity we have now, it feels right, and it is helping me get past a lot of shit I have been carrying around with me for ages.

Okay...in other news...court case against my dad is coming up..already had a few dates and stuff and it has been transferred to the crown courts-it fucking sucks big time, I don't wanna be in this situation, it hurts too much. I am struggling-or, I was struggling lots with feeling bad I was taking him to court and doing this to him, but Ceno has talked to me soooo much about it and I can see even if I don't feel it yet, that it is what I have to do, that there is a certain line and once you cross it-in this case a father touching his own flesh and blood in a sexual way-that there is no coming back. I miss him. Especially when I see stuff that reminds me of him. And I miss my brother, who hasn't talked to me now for over a year-we used to be soooo close as kids, best friends. Well, shit happens I guess.
My mam is struggling with drink herself now too....drinking waaaay too much, she has been an alcoholic now for about six years-and it's just out of control. I kinda fel angry in a way-why is she doing this can't she see if she drinks herself to death I'll be left with no parents, having lost both of them to drink? And she isn't the same person anymore, consumed by all this emotion and drink and stuff-she has changed and I don't know her anymore. I feel lost, lost and alone. If I didn't have Ceno, I wouldn't really have anyone...not that I need anyone. So long as I got Tad and Polly, they rawk heh...and Ceno...he's definately there for me, and has taken me on a rollercoaster ride the past two years, which has been so intense, non-stop! I'm larning more and more, growing, though some of it hurts, but then no pain no gain right? *grins*

The wedding is two months away now. I'm actually starting to feel good about it, to feel a bit excited, I never wanted to get married before, but now it's starting to look kinda fun :p It will only be a small wedding-with about 15 people there, on Halloween, heh we have the bestest song for it too, Danger Danger, high voltage, by the band that does gay bar, hmmm can't remember their names...but it'll be fun, coming in to that! Then it's off to Vegas for gambling, galleries, fun and sexy vampire stripper girls for the honeymoon-it's gonna be so much fun!

Well that's me done for now..will try to post more regularly, especially now that I got all this family shit to deal with, I only seem able to write when I feel crap, or full of emotion, which right now...I feel like my life is INTENSE.

Laters
Posted by Fayth at 10:28 AM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself, wedding
Thursday, 23 July 2009
A First...
Prolly a short and fairly pointless blog post but so what...my blog my pointless witterings :) I feel okay! The past two months I've felt kind of stuck inside myself...down, depressed and just...in a rut with my ways of thinking and doing...but now in the past few days it's changing and I am starting to feel good again :)

Happy it's almost the six weeks holidays so I can spend some good quality time being driven mental by my kids-it should be fun fun fun!

Forced myself to be more...social with people as in, not being a complete recluse and it's a good thing as I'm enjoying chatting to people and I've made a real effort to get to know people that look interesting to me. So that is making me happier too as I'm chatting to some pretty cool genuinely nice people :)

Going camping and then my mate is coming over the weekend after so that is good too :)

So yeah atm for once I'm not going to piss and moan I'm going to say...I'm getting happier :)
Posted by Fayth at 6:32 AM 1 comments

Delicious Memories Part 2

The E started to kick in. All of a sudden colours were brighter and there was a rush of life and awakening going on in my head. I kind of forgot how to form coherent sentences then. For a bit. Wolfie was great. He stood close to me, his strong arms holding me gently, his voice calm and low and steady.
I needed water. Thirst came over me quickly. My fingers needed to feel stuff because...it felt so intense. And everything felt new. I secretly having Wolfie hold me like that. I was too rushy and incoherent to even remember how to get water, so Wolfie got me a glass. I took a long drink. It felt icy and refreshing. He stood close, looking down at me, slightly amused. I fumbled for words. He said, "the words you are looking for, are 'thank you Sir'". Oh. My. God. Hah. I would have done anything he asked me to, right then.
The rest of the night is kinda hazy for me. I remember pieces of it. Being on my knees, giving myself to him, my whole submission. He had caught me, god I wanted to be his. Being whipped for the first time ever- that delicious fear and...anticipation. Him using me-he was so confident in himself, it was a really big turn on. And, he had every reason to be confident. He knew. Knew how to play the game, knew about desire and hunger and need. Knew the exact things to say to turn my insides to goo.

That night awakened something in me, and ever since, I've been hungry for more; and getting more only serves to make the hunger greater. Wolfie has the same hunger for more as I do. And together we push forwards, discovering new and exciting depths.

My High Ramblings

Friday, 8 January 2010
My High Ramblings
Wrote a fairly mushy thing about Wolfie but um not gonna post it all on here coz well....I don't do mushy, unless it's in secret :p But I will post a lil of my mushyness, coz it kinda leads up to my blog post, I wrote all this this morning at about 6am, after being up all night taking speed and having deviant fun :p

Okay here it is. (I'm never good with introducing myself or my words, I've noticed this).

Everyone's in bed and I feel like I should be too. Except I'm not, and no matter how tired I feel I'd never be able to sleep coz I've done speed all night tonight (last night?) and that keeps me awake for about 2 days straight. Walking zombie Faythy? Me thinks so...but hey at least I'll be a calm and centred and able to function zombie.
Wolfie has gone to bed now with a headache.

I'm so into him. In love with him? Yeah! Love him? Yeah!! He's my confidente, my friend, my lover, my teacher guide, my Master and...my husband.

(I then go on to spout mucho mushy crap which I'll leave out of this version coz um I don't wanna spoil my tough chick image :p)

....I love him for what he teaches me. I love him for who he is, I see his feelings, his heart, the dark decedant truth. And it comforts me because I get it too. And in him, I know I'm not alone.

Though I'm working on not allowing myself to rely on him. I've relied on other people for so much-relied on them to sort out mundane everyday life stuff, because I can't be arsed or "don't believe in bills or laws", relied on them to take the reins when I couldn't find it in me to do so....Hell, I've relied alot on Wolfie to keep me under control when, seeing now, I need to be able to rely on myself for that-if I can't keep control of myself, no-one else will or can either.

I need then, to learn to let go of the little things that don't matter, to not tantrum or be petulant when things don't go my way. To not scream and give in to the kids when I mean no, to laugh more, play more, be more organised and less highly strung. To learn to back down when right to do so...it's no good "winning" the arguement or causing an arguement if doing so will upset the people I love. Obviously this applies to my loved ones only though...not about to starting backing down to everyone here! I need to learn patience and self control. Calmness and confidence. To be able to stop and just listen. To stop making everything into a chore or work...enjoy....everything alot more.

At the end of all our days, no-one knows what happens, I think. We might live forever or we might die and be gone, our energy recycled back into the pool of life that makes up the universe. So we should try to live each day like it's our last. Experience...everything. My advice (hah yeah who am I to give advice?) is not to look at things in black and white, but in shades of every colour. No good or bad experiences really-just experiences. "Good" ones, are well, nice memories to hold onto, and "bad" ones....make us that much stronger and wiser. So it can't be "bad" really....it just is.

I want-need-crave and ache to be pushed. I want it to be unfair. I need to feel stripped, owned, under his power. Be unfair. Call the shots.
Yet I also need an outlet for my rage and anger....anger at.....everything yet nothing. I'm an angry grrl heh.
I want to feel small, captured, controloed, humiliated...yet I need to fight the whole way there, up until he pushes me into my submission, which I give freely and completely to him.

And I love the power. In submission I find freedom. In dominating I find power. And glee, heh. It's addictive. When I domme somebody I start by feeling nervous and a little under pressure as I always do when I feel there are expectations on me in some way. Pressure on me from myself to let go and dominate, to be hard and demanding and creative enough. Then, I focus myself and realise I'm actually having fun. Then I realise I'm having LOTS of fun and my self confidence is growing. Soon I see how damn good it feels, and their submission, their devotion, that aching need to submit- it feeds me, makes me feel so fucking powerful like I'm queen of the world. I become relaxed enough that I can let go and take from them what I enjoy most. Whether that be getting that gleeful, amused feeling when I hurt them and see them flinch or having my thirst for their shame and embarassement quenched a little. Feed my hunger and it gets hungrier. My own pet demonic raging monster; you have one too, everyone does, except most people can't/won't admit it because they have been brainwashed into thinking these feelings are wrong, somehow beneath us. How so? They are human traits, human feelings, they aren't meant to be totally quashed and "forgotten" about. Keep your darker side on a leash but let it oput to play and feed every so often or it might break its chains. Feeling superior-human trait. Wanting power-human trait. Craving hurt/pain/shame-again these are all human traits and oh wait...we're (supossedly) human too! We haven't evolved past nature, evolved past human emotions, we need to stop pretending we have. Not accept all the fluffy "respectful" ones and push the less than wholeosme thoughts away.....in order to grow and develop we need to accept all parts of us, not just the bits we are comfortable with.

The human mind is a fascinating place to explore. The universe too. So vast and endless and so many different directions, options, hope. Never settle for "okay". Always seek more, that's not saying never be happy with what you have or achieve, but I mean in fun, ina not-structured and forced way, go for more. Maybe you achieve a target-gain a pass in a course or complete a project. Don't just be content...go after something else. A content person is a person with no dreams. Nothing to strive for. How utterly boring it would get.

Pian, disappointment, anger, hurt....it all serves to teach us about ourselves and the world around us. We need to feel these things in order for us to know how to deal with them. If we never experienced pain or disappointment, we'd be very weak willed people...emotionally we wouldn't stand a chance in the outside world.

So bring on the pain. Give me something real I can feel. Good or bad-it's still an experience. And through experience, we live.
Posted by Fayth at 2:17 PM 2 comments