My High Ramblings

Friday, 8 January 2010
My High Ramblings
Wrote a fairly mushy thing about Wolfie but um not gonna post it all on here coz well....I don't do mushy, unless it's in secret :p But I will post a lil of my mushyness, coz it kinda leads up to my blog post, I wrote all this this morning at about 6am, after being up all night taking speed and having deviant fun :p

Okay here it is. (I'm never good with introducing myself or my words, I've noticed this).

Everyone's in bed and I feel like I should be too. Except I'm not, and no matter how tired I feel I'd never be able to sleep coz I've done speed all night tonight (last night?) and that keeps me awake for about 2 days straight. Walking zombie Faythy? Me thinks so...but hey at least I'll be a calm and centred and able to function zombie.
Wolfie has gone to bed now with a headache.

I'm so into him. In love with him? Yeah! Love him? Yeah!! He's my confidente, my friend, my lover, my teacher guide, my Master and...my husband.

(I then go on to spout mucho mushy crap which I'll leave out of this version coz um I don't wanna spoil my tough chick image :p)

....I love him for what he teaches me. I love him for who he is, I see his feelings, his heart, the dark decedant truth. And it comforts me because I get it too. And in him, I know I'm not alone.

Though I'm working on not allowing myself to rely on him. I've relied on other people for so much-relied on them to sort out mundane everyday life stuff, because I can't be arsed or "don't believe in bills or laws", relied on them to take the reins when I couldn't find it in me to do so....Hell, I've relied alot on Wolfie to keep me under control when, seeing now, I need to be able to rely on myself for that-if I can't keep control of myself, no-one else will or can either.

I need then, to learn to let go of the little things that don't matter, to not tantrum or be petulant when things don't go my way. To not scream and give in to the kids when I mean no, to laugh more, play more, be more organised and less highly strung. To learn to back down when right to do so...it's no good "winning" the arguement or causing an arguement if doing so will upset the people I love. Obviously this applies to my loved ones only though...not about to starting backing down to everyone here! I need to learn patience and self control. Calmness and confidence. To be able to stop and just listen. To stop making everything into a chore or work...enjoy....everything alot more.

At the end of all our days, no-one knows what happens, I think. We might live forever or we might die and be gone, our energy recycled back into the pool of life that makes up the universe. So we should try to live each day like it's our last. Experience...everything. My advice (hah yeah who am I to give advice?) is not to look at things in black and white, but in shades of every colour. No good or bad experiences really-just experiences. "Good" ones, are well, nice memories to hold onto, and "bad" ones....make us that much stronger and wiser. So it can't be "bad" really....it just is.

I want-need-crave and ache to be pushed. I want it to be unfair. I need to feel stripped, owned, under his power. Be unfair. Call the shots.
Yet I also need an outlet for my rage and anger....anger at.....everything yet nothing. I'm an angry grrl heh.
I want to feel small, captured, controloed, humiliated...yet I need to fight the whole way there, up until he pushes me into my submission, which I give freely and completely to him.

And I love the power. In submission I find freedom. In dominating I find power. And glee, heh. It's addictive. When I domme somebody I start by feeling nervous and a little under pressure as I always do when I feel there are expectations on me in some way. Pressure on me from myself to let go and dominate, to be hard and demanding and creative enough. Then, I focus myself and realise I'm actually having fun. Then I realise I'm having LOTS of fun and my self confidence is growing. Soon I see how damn good it feels, and their submission, their devotion, that aching need to submit- it feeds me, makes me feel so fucking powerful like I'm queen of the world. I become relaxed enough that I can let go and take from them what I enjoy most. Whether that be getting that gleeful, amused feeling when I hurt them and see them flinch or having my thirst for their shame and embarassement quenched a little. Feed my hunger and it gets hungrier. My own pet demonic raging monster; you have one too, everyone does, except most people can't/won't admit it because they have been brainwashed into thinking these feelings are wrong, somehow beneath us. How so? They are human traits, human feelings, they aren't meant to be totally quashed and "forgotten" about. Keep your darker side on a leash but let it oput to play and feed every so often or it might break its chains. Feeling superior-human trait. Wanting power-human trait. Craving hurt/pain/shame-again these are all human traits and oh wait...we're (supossedly) human too! We haven't evolved past nature, evolved past human emotions, we need to stop pretending we have. Not accept all the fluffy "respectful" ones and push the less than wholeosme thoughts away.....in order to grow and develop we need to accept all parts of us, not just the bits we are comfortable with.

The human mind is a fascinating place to explore. The universe too. So vast and endless and so many different directions, options, hope. Never settle for "okay". Always seek more, that's not saying never be happy with what you have or achieve, but I mean in fun, ina not-structured and forced way, go for more. Maybe you achieve a target-gain a pass in a course or complete a project. Don't just be content...go after something else. A content person is a person with no dreams. Nothing to strive for. How utterly boring it would get.

Pian, disappointment, anger, hurt....it all serves to teach us about ourselves and the world around us. We need to feel these things in order for us to know how to deal with them. If we never experienced pain or disappointment, we'd be very weak willed people...emotionally we wouldn't stand a chance in the outside world.

So bring on the pain. Give me something real I can feel. Good or bad-it's still an experience. And through experience, we live.
Posted by Fayth at 2:17 PM 2 comments