Past posts

Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Yeah great....so now what?
Okay so I guess this is the place where I can feel alright about talking about the shit that's been happening, with my dad and the court and everything else. I feel funny talking about it with anyone else, like I think they probably feel I should shut up and get over it, by now. Though I know that's probably not the case, but well, my mind ya know?

Okay so the court happened earlier this week. Went up to Middlesbrough, DREADING it, feeling sick to my stomach and everything else, even going as far as to wish I would get run over or something silly, so that I didn't have to face this and go through with it. Once I got there....memories, sweet yet painful memories...of where I lived, of how I lived, though it did feel kinda like home. I stayed in a hotel. I kept looking out onto the streets, looking at everyone, half hopeful, half fearful....would I see my dad? Chances were slim, and no I did not see him.

It started to get dark and I was in my hotel room reading my book (GOOD book btw) when the phone rang...it was the barrister. He said that my dad at the last minute had changed his plea to guilty, and that I wouldn't have to show up for court in the morning now, as there would be no trial. He said the sexual abuse wouldn't be charged as he had been very drunk at the time and because it wasn't the worst of the abuse. To be honest, I agree with him. I can not care about the sexual stuff, it was weird, it confused me and I didn't know how to hanmdle it, but...it didn't affect me like the rest of it did. The barrister said that the sentance was twelve months in prison, suspended for two years, community service and also speciual restrictions around children...the official sentancing wouldn't be passed until January, so I won't know exactly what until then.

So, did doing this make life peachy again? Well no. No it bloody didn't. How am I supossed to feel now? Nothing. I still feel pain. I still hurt. Still ache and have that horrible gaping aching hole inside me, deep inside that just won't go away. I lost my dad. I lost my innocent view on the world. I lost part of myself, my past, my whole being. I lost my dad. I lost him. I'll never ever have a dad again, and that really fucking hurts. I should stop my bitching about it most likely, as I know there are people out there who have never had a dad but well...they aren't me. And it isn't about not having a dad, it's about not having my dad about losing him, about the way things turned out, the way they went.

And I still care. Damn me for caring. Damn the whole world. I worry, if he is sick, or unhappy. I worry that he might feel sad, or upset. Or sorry. I hurt so bad that he will never get to hold or love or be around his grandkids. I needed him. No I didn't. I'm much stronger than he is. I'm stubborn like him, aggressive, like him. Violent sometimes even, less so than him.

And I hate myself for doing it. For taking him to court. I'm selfish. Incredibly so. Yet, it wasn't me, not my fault. I wasn't the one who did all those horrible things to me my mum and brother. He did. Yet I feel bad. Why?

The only way I know how to deal with this is to shut it out, not think about it, not feel it. I can't feel it, I wish I could, I've tried. I've cried, I've begged Wolfie to show me how to feel it, yet...I can't. I want to. But I don't know how to make myself feel angry at him instead of at the rest of the world. I need help, but no-one can help me, I don't think...
Posted by Fayth at 7:30 PM 2 comments
Labels: dad, misc, myself, past
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Calms and Storms
So today I feel calm. Calm and centred and....normal, how I imagine most other people get to feel most days. Took speed last night which means that for about two days now I'll feel good and calm and able to function better. I wish I could achieve this calm feeling without the speed, I do. I think I'm going to go to the doctor and talk to him about it, I have all the symptoms of ADHD, and speed...well it makes me feel good and able to deal with the world and just able to function really well. I guess thye downside is it makes me not wanna eat for about two days afterwards as well, and being 7 and a half stone in weight means I shouldn't really let myself go two days without eating....but oh well I'll make up for it afterwards lol.

So yes I'm happy today. Though come Monday I'll be traveling to Middlesbrough to court, as the big trial starts then with my dad...NOT looking forwards to it. At all. But enough of that, I'm not thinking of it coz I just remembered how calm and centred I feel and I don't wanna risk losing that.

What else? Oh been playing hard as usual, been playing more like how we did in those first months, and wow it's good! Intense, scary, but exhilerating...I love it!

Right well that's it really just wanted to tell the world how calm and centred I feel right now....hah maybe the calm before the storm? Best not be!
Posted by Fayth at 10:59 AM 2 comments
Labels: drugs, myself
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
My mind, my dad
Okay so the whole shit with my dad has gone to court...and I'm a witness...it's in December and blah I feel shit. I don't want it. I don't want it at all. I don't want any of this. It's been over two years now, two long years since I saw him, and although my memory of him has faded a little, I still remember little things about him...the way he would smile, or the way he'd get angry, the way he'd smell when he got in from work...that smell is still one of my favourite and most hated smells, at the same time.
And my brother...I miss him too. He took my dads side, refuses to believe what he knows he does...and so yeah I miss him too.
I feel desperate when I think of it all. Broken hearted, and not in a good way. Like it's this black piece of hurt inside me which can never be fixed...or maybe it could, but at what cost?
I have thought recently about writing my dad another letter...I did write him one over a year ago...only he never responded, never even acknowledged it. I think I wanted him to acknowledge stuff, but he never did. I think if I could tell him anything right now, anything I wanted to, anything at all...it would be that I don't hate him. I felt anxious around him most of the time, never knowing what would set him off, but...I always loved him. I don't judge him for his actions either, though saying that I see why he acted the way he did-he got my mam pregnant with a kid he didn't want and wasn't ready for (me) and felt pushed into marriage...and he saw his father drunk and angry and violent...so whilst I see the reasons he acted that way, I also realise they are not an excuse for his behaviour, but I don't hate him for it, god knows I did when I was little and he would do something horrible to my mam or scare my brother or get angry and drunk and domineering or whatever, I'd feel reel hate then...for what he did to my family, not for what he did to me. I was stronger than him. Always have been. He would say to me sometimes that "you're not like them (them being my brother and my mam) you're like me...you're smart, clever...you're not as smart as i am but you are smart. Not like your brother he's like your mam...daft, they're idiots but you...you're like me". Well, yeah, kinda. I am smart. But whilst he was cunning and also had brains, I am smart in a different way to him. I watch. I see. I can make decisions that aren't based entirely on my emotions in the heat of the moment. The one thing I take from him though, is my stubborness. He was stubborn, I was stubborn. When it came down to it, usually, I was the more stubborn, or at least the one willing to fuck it allll up in order to "win". If he put my mam down or called her names or hit her or whatever, I'd stand up to him...I wouldn't have won if it had come down to a physical fight between the two of us but fuck it....she was scared of him...I was too but in a different way...or maybe I was just the more stubborn that I didn't care. I'd stand up to him and scream at him or yell and he'd give me this look...like he was half amused, half infuriated, like he wanted to rip me apart...but he never did. There were a few times we did get physical but never to the extent he did with my mam. He'd choke me or pin me against a wall or whatever, but I'd fight back...we were both angry, stubborn, and both had a taste for violence...or maybe that's where I get my taste for violence from, is him. He was always emotionless to others too...even to my brother and my mam...it's like he saw me as his special girl...he saw my mam as weaker than him, and my brother too. But me and him had this unspoken thing...we had the same temper, the same aggressive side, only I didn't show mine, except in defence. I think on the inside, everytime we came face to face like that, with aggression, I secretly willed and wanted for him to not back down, to see what would happen, for him to lace into me, for me to fight back...I don't know why, I just craved the destruction...of me, of him..of the whole family...I hated the situation, everytime he would come in drunk and violent we'd end up walking round the steets afterwards half the time in the early hours of the morning, my mam would turn to me crying and ask "what do I do??" and I'd tell herto leave him...but she never would. "It'll be alright in the morning." Pah. What shit. Sure the throwing things and the violence and the tears and the fear had gone by morning but FUCK! I was still mad! You don't just get to wake up and it's gone like that! Where was our apology off him? We never got one. I was still angry. Fucked up by it. But then, everyone is fucked up by something and if we weren't...we'd all be pretty two dimensional right?
Heh don't know why I wrote all this...I just needed to get it out coz what with the stoopid police sending me letters on the stupider court thing it's kinda been forced into the front of my mind. Humph.
Posted by Fayth at 10:17 PM 1 comments
Labels: myself, past
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Hungry Cravings
Really craving something real at the minute. Something extreme, something that I can feel. Had a realllly hard whipping at the weekend and I fucking loved it! Was prolly about the third hardest whipping I ever had, but god it felt good! And did blood play too-got cut then the cut was whipped etc hard and it hurrrrt even more but oh so yummy!

Now though I want-I want to cry, I want to be made to crawl and beg and grovel, I want to be hurt and to whimper and squeal, I want to feel utterly degraded and broken down, because it is only when I feel like this that I feel truly free. I want to suffer and know that my suffering is bringing amusement or pleasure or whatever else it brings to my Master. I want to scream and shout and yell and tear down the whole damn world and watch it all melt away and just...be. I want -crave- something so real and so extreme that it takes my breath away, like a hunger that will never be satisfied, yet I will keep going until it is...and then hunger for even more.

More...because nothing is ever enough for me, there is no such thing as too much, because I can never give up, or say "no more-I can't go any further." And it is tiring at times and sometimes I wanna lay my head down and sleep forever, but...I can't. Because this is life to me, and without that hunger that raw real stubborn refusal to quit and be content, I wouldn't be anything, I just wouldn't be me.
Posted by Fayth at 12:37 PM 1 comments
Labels: D/s, myself
Friday, 28 August 2009
Weddings, family and kink :)
Well time for another rambly post me thinks. Alot has happened recently, hmm where to start? I know let's start with the fun and interesting stuff-with a bit of kink thrown in there.

We have played quite a bit lately, by played I mean played ina dom/sub way...BDSM. One thing we haven't done much is fear play, not in the direct fear play way we did about a month ago-it was AWESOME. We had friends round, they come round every month and at one point in the night I was naked, and sitting resting back against Ceno and he had some blades, and one of his swords...and he was tracing the knife blade all over my skin, just hard enough to leave red marks but not hard enough to cut...in the past when we play with blades we always cut, the feel of it cutting into your skin and the red coming out-it's just so relieving, anyway I'm getting off point here...he was tracing the blade all over me, across my nipples, my toot toot, inside my slit, my throat-everywhere and it WAS a very nervy feeling, sepsite the fact I love being cut! Then he tied me with my arms above my head and again took a blade, this time a shapr fresh razor blade and was again going overmy body I could feel how hot I was getting, razor blades are SHARP! Then he told me to stick my tongue out and he tried to cut it, I quickly stuck it back in and was like "omg you're gonna cut me-you're gonna cut my tongue!" To which he replied with "stick it back out"...So I did...and yeah he cut it lol, only a bit, but it was still scary! Up until that point I had been "safe" as he hadn't actually cut me but then msuddenly that safe feeling was stripped away and...I fainted! Haha I just felt my heda spinning and then nothing..I was out cold! When I came to I was on the floor and he was over me, kneeling down, speaking softly to me, I felt a bit silly haha, especially since our friends were there, though they were busy with their own kink so they only half paied attention lol. Afterwards he made me a cuppa tea-gotta have tea! And made sure I was alright...but that night of fear play was soooooo good-I LOVE fear play! I guess it will be hard to recreate that level of fear and intensity though since I have had it once now, but it'll be fun finding out!

Also, hypnotism. Now Ceno has treied once before to hypnotise me, but didn't get anywhere as I just couldn't let go and relax...I am not thge sort of girl that relaxes easily, I'm...very highly strung in that way lol. But this wekend, I ended up fucking myself up tooo much, I should have had a rest from taking drugs, but...me being me, I didn't. And I felt horrible...like I was dying haha, that's not me being dramatic *grins*. I felt sick and shaky and unsettled and just really really crap. So crap that I after having a conversation with Ceno and a mate of mine about how he would give it a go to hypnotise her to help her get over some personal issues she had, I was practically begging him to try it on me, to see if he could help me feel better, as he always says to me that we CAN control our own bodies and all that jazz.
So he tries...I lay down and try to relax-letting go this time wa ALOT easier because of how shit I felt, and he managed to relax me loads and put me in an hypnotic state, it was the most relaxing, wowza experience ever...when I came out of it I was soooo relaxed I couldn't even make my limbs move lol, they felt so heavy and sleepy, and my mind? It was flying-it felt good and relaxed, we had a huge discussion then, about everything...the way I act, my lack of self control, what we both want, and the way our relationship is/was. We agreed to both be honest at all times with each other now, about what we want etc, and also we decided to make our relationship alot more hardcore than before, but I won't mention how on here-it's just in relation to us really, rather than a specific thing, but...it's working! I like the level of intensity we have now, it feels right, and it is helping me get past a lot of shit I have been carrying around with me for ages.

Okay...in other news...court case against my dad is coming up..already had a few dates and stuff and it has been transferred to the crown courts-it fucking sucks big time, I don't wanna be in this situation, it hurts too much. I am struggling-or, I was struggling lots with feeling bad I was taking him to court and doing this to him, but Ceno has talked to me soooo much about it and I can see even if I don't feel it yet, that it is what I have to do, that there is a certain line and once you cross it-in this case a father touching his own flesh and blood in a sexual way-that there is no coming back. I miss him. Especially when I see stuff that reminds me of him. And I miss my brother, who hasn't talked to me now for over a year-we used to be soooo close as kids, best friends. Well, shit happens I guess.
My mam is struggling with drink herself now too....drinking waaaay too much, she has been an alcoholic now for about six years-and it's just out of control. I kinda fel angry in a way-why is she doing this can't she see if she drinks herself to death I'll be left with no parents, having lost both of them to drink? And she isn't the same person anymore, consumed by all this emotion and drink and stuff-she has changed and I don't know her anymore. I feel lost, lost and alone. If I didn't have Ceno, I wouldn't really have anyone...not that I need anyone. So long as I got Tad and Polly, they rawk heh...and Ceno...he's definately there for me, and has taken me on a rollercoaster ride the past two years, which has been so intense, non-stop! I'm larning more and more, growing, though some of it hurts, but then no pain no gain right? *grins*

The wedding is two months away now. I'm actually starting to feel good about it, to feel a bit excited, I never wanted to get married before, but now it's starting to look kinda fun :p It will only be a small wedding-with about 15 people there, on Halloween, heh we have the bestest song for it too, Danger Danger, high voltage, by the band that does gay bar, hmmm can't remember their names...but it'll be fun, coming in to that! Then it's off to Vegas for gambling, galleries, fun and sexy vampire stripper girls for the honeymoon-it's gonna be so much fun!

Well that's me done for now..will try to post more regularly, especially now that I got all this family shit to deal with, I only seem able to write when I feel crap, or full of emotion, which right now...I feel like my life is INTENSE.

Laters
Posted by Fayth at 10:28 AM 0 comments
Labels: D/s, Master, myself, wedding
Thursday, 23 July 2009
A First...
Prolly a short and fairly pointless blog post but so what...my blog my pointless witterings :) I feel okay! The past two months I've felt kind of stuck inside myself...down, depressed and just...in a rut with my ways of thinking and doing...but now in the past few days it's changing and I am starting to feel good again :)

Happy it's almost the six weeks holidays so I can spend some good quality time being driven mental by my kids-it should be fun fun fun!

Forced myself to be more...social with people as in, not being a complete recluse and it's a good thing as I'm enjoying chatting to people and I've made a real effort to get to know people that look interesting to me. So that is making me happier too as I'm chatting to some pretty cool genuinely nice people :)

Going camping and then my mate is coming over the weekend after so that is good too :)

So yeah atm for once I'm not going to piss and moan I'm going to say...I'm getting happier :)
Posted by Fayth at 6:32 AM 1 comments