The Wild And Unpredictable Me -vs The Straight Me

Clarity sets in. For so long I have tried to supress my rebellious nature, to not let my full real self out; I've tried to fit in, I've tried to act sleepy and normal and act like I feel the right amount of feelings but; I'm reaching a conclusion. I should stop. Even Wolfie, who supports me in every way, has said in the past I need to calm down a bit, because I'm so full on. Now, recently, like in the past week or two, I've managed to quench myself a little, managed to get a little straighter, a little self control. I've done it by learning -it was hard learning- how to not feel everything I feel. To close my feelings off for a while and to put my guts and soul away, so it doesn't engage in life's feelings, so it doesn't get to feel as much stuff as it used to. And it's made me straighter. People have commented on it. See, maybe this is why I never took part in the world...because in doing so, I lose a bit of me, I have to change a bit of myself, and that bit is an important part in who I am.
Wolfie said that for an anarchist, I need a lot of structure. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not any one thing; I am rebellious yes, I do have a profound hate and dislike for authority. I do crave the unexpected, yet, I dislike change; it makes me feel unsteady and like I should be panicking. I don't have self control-I have a very addictive obsessive personality and when I want something, that thing is the only thing I can think of. That's part of the balance I get with Wolfie; he does have self control, and his discipline keeps me able to function better than when I don't have it.
The balance was never inside me. I'm one or the other. There is no middle ground. I can either be wild, unpredictable, a little bit unstable, hot as hell and aggressive lil me or I can (as I've found out now) put that huge part of me away and force it down, but if I do, it all has to go, and I'll be sensible and straight and logical and reserved. Because if I let even a tiny piece of it stay out then it will feed and it will want and desire...nothing is ever enough for me. The balance was within mine and Wolfie's relationship. He has the self control and the cool determination. He is the ice. I had the fire, the wild unpredicatbleness, the anger. That's why we worked so well, because we had balance in that we are, in a way, complete opposites. Though we fit. We both have the same values, we both like the same kind of things and we both see the world for what it is. We both feel the same about how honest we are, honesty and truth are fucking important; I can stand and forgive many things, being lied to is not one of them. And so I'm always honest back.
Now, because I have pushed the core me back a little, it's changed. Wolfie thinks I'm too straight now lol, and I guess in a way I am. I miss me. But I'm also enjoying this new part of myself I have found. Wolfie wants me back, the way I was, who I really am. And a big part of me does too. I miss seeing life so cyncially and so magically. I miss how I looked at the world, with suspicision and anger and rage. I miss how I trusted people so easily. Now I feel calmer, and more at peace, and everything's good and everything's rosy and bright, but more watery. And part of me thinks "remember, you have to remember; this is not the way life is! Life isn't all great and peachy! It isn't!" And part of me thinks "but it's nice, seeing life like this, it's who you are now, it's what you've become." But then maybe that is what happens; when you're a kid everything is magical and full of wonder then you grow up and most people lose that, they forget about the magic and they become straight and boring; maybe that's what is happening to me now? So maybe I should rebel; let out that sicker, wilder, untamed side once more, before it's too late, because this feeling of calm, whether real or illusion, does feel good, if I get too comfortable with it, the other side of me, the better side, the more vibrant side of me, may never get out again.
Wolfie wants it back, and, so do I. The world was never meant to be seen like this; so calm and tranquil and watery. It is meant to be experienced in its fullest form; experience everything you can and still hunger for more. Devour every single thing you can, every emotion; if you're sad, cry-allow yourself to feel sad, if you're happy then feel it-be on top of the world, it's no bad thing. If it means feeling alone in it, then so be it; one thing that did get to me was how alone I felt in my feelings; I felt so much, there is so much to feel; yet everyone seems sleepy to it all, or like they don't feel it all, after the past two weeks of me closing that side of me off and becoming less so, I can say; whilst I do feel more at peace, if peace is this; feeling this little, then I don't want it!